And it ends...

We hope you enjoyed The Collected Movie Reviews of Cyril P. Drathmoor. Cyril Shall Return!!!!!!



-Dan Budnik

Drathmoor's Countryside Nostalgia Column

Where the down home is in your home & that smell is nothing but love

Well, the Christmas Season is wrapping up and the New Year is fast approaching. Of course, one of the strongest memories we all share of the New Year is when our parents would allow us to stay up to Midnight. I know a lot of kids who were allowed but never quite made it. I remember hearing all the stories from friends when I was younger & even now. These are such great stories. Beautiful epics of little kids trying to make it to 12 Midnight and welcome in the glory of the New Year! I, personally, was very surprised at all of this. Gazing back on my childhood memories, I see that my parents never let me stay up past 9 until I was 12, then 10 until I was 15, then 11 on weekends, then... well, I could go on like this for quite a while... But, wow, wasn't that great! All you folks getting to stay up so, so late when you were little. I'd ask you to write in with more of your stories but I've heard enough.

It's interesting, too. I've never actually stayed up until Midnight on New Year's Eve. I always fall asleep. (New Year's Day, I can stay up with no problem!) I've taped New Year's Eve and watched it in the morning. But, never seen it live... Probably pretty exciting, huh? Wow! Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding!

Ahhh... the New Year. Deep breaths.

So, as it's the (Almost) New Year, I thought I'd have a glance at all that has passed through my life in the previous year. Well, let's have it...

It was an interesting year. I didn't see my family much. They were out and about, doing what they do. My brother, especially, is a real country hopper, they say. Me? Apart, from a few weeks away, I was here in Turbot all year. It's a great town. My trailer overlooks several beautiful trailers, in their own way, in the center of the park so I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And, love!... Well, love... What can you say? What can I say? I didn't get much this year. Hey, it happens! We all go through bad years. Some of us more than others. I'd say that I'm without love pretty average for my height. It doesn't get lonely, though. I have a collection of old underpants that I talk to. I'm kidding, of course. No, I have a hamster named Theremin who loves me dearly as long as I feed him. My trailer has never smelt better. It's all about disinfectants here, folks. All about making things smell better than you do after being in your own mess for about 7 or 8 days. Life is sweet, life is grand, life is a glorious escapade. That's what people say. But, once again, I'm in the staying up late on New Year's Eve spot.

But, life goes on. People have bad years. Well, maybe not rich or successful people. (Of course, they're unhappy. Just in different ways not involving poverty, need or disappointments.) And, maybe not people with really great families. (Of course, even really great families have troubles, too. Hell, I don't know where mine is!) But, there are people who have bad years and then good years. Although using the year as your template may not be terrifically accurate, it does work well.

So, I've had a not-so-great year. It had its moments, though. I can't say it didn't. I won't bore you with them here but they happened. So...

There you have it. New Year's, what a time. Join me in my column next year as we stroll through nostalgia's highways & byways to find signs of life or places we can hide.

Won't you journey with me?

A Safe Christmas

Everybody enjoys Christmas. It's the one time of the year when you can really be yourself (or somebody else). You can really just have a great, great time. Wow! This is a time for everyone, stinky and non-stinky alike.

Certain features of the holiday, however, can be quite lovely but dangerous. Let me give you a list.

- The time to buy gifts is before December 24. Do NOT rush on the 24th willy-nilly trying to buy. Especially if you're drunk.

- A tree is a great addition to any house but do not light real candles on it. They can flame up & kill everyone. Death is a tough sin to wash off the hands.

- Enjoy egg nog in limited quantities. That's a lot of egg, that's a lot of nog. And, you'll throw up all over yourself if you have too much.

- Light are nice. They blink, they don't, they're very festive. But, do not wrap them around a cat. Cats are unpredictable creatures with a penchant for running away. Lights are electrical objects with a penchant for electrocuting living beings.

- Presents are wonderful. But, don't give goofy. Nothing ruins a holiday more than getting a gift that clearly was not thought out beforehand. Consider who you're buying for before you buy.

- Fruitcake is a caring & traditional gift but no one eats it.

- If you've eaten too much at dinner, take five.. and then eat some more.

- Do not drink the tree water.

And last but not least...

- Santa's bo-bo's are for thankin', not yankin'.

Have a HAPPY HOLIDAY!

Night of Horror

One hell of a flick this Night of Horror. I don't think I've ever seen a film deal so well with the presence of ghosts in our life. I'll be honest, I think Horror is a bit of a strong term. This is not a horrific movie, more of a soporific that really treats well of certain elements of Horror and the Rialto is the place where it is. What a movie it is! There's not death & killing and, well, that should hold them for a while. I've got to Evil! work covertly here under cover of Blood!

Night of Horror really does in so many ways just exemplify i'm working at getting out of this. I didn't see Night of Horror. I'm through with these ASTOUNDING! movies. It's the holiday! Come on! I can't review these things anymore. I want to look at the slaughter! do something else. (Check my Safe Xmas MURDER! Tips column this week Of Death!) I really am trying to get another full-time column Oh Boy! Glorious Hollywood! But, I haven't been able to convince them. Almost there! I think I'm almost there. Very close. What a horror film!

It isn't easy to dislike a film this wonderful but there are one or two things someone else will come along and review. I'll do something else. It'll be great! Honest. Great! But, hold on, maybe next week we'll get lucky for the holidays. Horror! I don't know.

Hold on everyone! Next week! Who knows what we'll see?

A Note From Our Editor

Hello everyone.

Christmas approaches. Thank you everyone for reading & enjoying Cyril all year.

For the 22nd of December, there will be two entries:

1: Cyril's regular review.

2: A Special "Have a Safe Christmas" column written by Cyril.


Please enjoy. And Merry Christmas To All!!!

Silent Night, Deadly Night?

If Santa kills your Mom and Dad on the way home from visiting Grampa in the Old Loon's Home, get a good therapist. No, get a great therapist. Having a nun yell at you & punish you all the time for being wicked & sinful doesn't help anyone. The Mother Superior in this film is the character I would have thought "Most Likely To Get Killed" (she's rather deserving) but she survives. I don't mean to sound crass but where's that comeuppance I've come to expect?

There ain't enough good Santas in the world to exorcise this one real stinker. The poor boy in this, Billy(?), is just wrecked. After the extended opening, we get an extended post-opening involving him as a youngster, traumatized by Christmas! Then, we get him grown-up and he is not well. In fact, he's nuts. So, he starts hurting people in a very serious fashion with assorted things that really hurt.

The man is crazy, the man kills. What're you gonna do? A lot of people kill or at least that's the opinion I'm forming. There's always a reason and a lot of the time I wish it'd stop.

It's not very festive, this movie.

As far as extremely pleasant notions of fruitcake and things... right out!

Ya know, I've never owned one of those little village things. You know, the fake snow all around and little green trees and fake homes and/ or business establishments named after characters from Dickens and you stack them all around so it looks like some sort of festive place you've never been. I always wanted to know what's going on in the houses. They always have second floors and I always want to see (or be) in there. I don't know why. Oh, whenever they have sled or ski runs with multiple levels, I always what to go down them. There was one called "Log Cabin" that was meant to be someone's home. (I stayed at a log cabin once for three weeks. I'm sure it was very interesting.) I like the "Log Cabin" because there's a little lake out front with a tiny boat in it. But, the scale of the boat is wrong. It's about 1/4 the size of the lake, which would make it ridiculous to have. Several good rows and you'd be on the other side. In fact, the size of the fake man who owns the property is such that he could probably leap across it or at least bounce once in the middle and go from there. I love these things.

A memory that is leaving me... Being in a knicknackeria in a cold town. A wall cabinet nook... three stories of these things. It's laid down with white cloth and flows from the first level to the very top. Shops on the bottom leading to the banquet halls and festive homes in the middle flowing to the ski lofts, sled runs & frozen ponds for skating up top. It's breathtaking. A miniature breathtaking. I stare at it for a very long time. it's glorious, I'd love to be there. But, I never will. This I know & understand.

But, that doesn't mean I don't want it very, very bad.

Well, Silent Night, Deadly Night? Santa kills some folks at Christmas. As far as these go, it's all right. Merry...

Arthur, Bertrand & Constance

Hello, everyone! This is a Cyril Approved Post. "Dan" of Bleeding Skull has placed a novel up on Amazon. Please click on the link below and download yourself a copy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to read it again. Trust me here. Thank you. Happy Holidays.

Arthur, Bertrand & Constance

I'll Have a Good Night

It's time for good things. It's time for the holidays. It's time for the Rialto's latest adventure To All A Good Night. Sit right back & let me place you in some context for all of this.

Christmas. A time of joy, a time of cheer, a time of wonder? Certainly. But, and this is a little known fact that this movie has brought to life, also a time for psychopathic killers, many of them dressed as Santa.

To me, this seems the Least Fair Time of year to pull something like this, especially at the Calvin Finishing School For Girls. A pleasantly set-apart place that seems nice enough. Sweet girls (pretty too) enjoying an active lifestyle. Robust boyfriends come to visit in their private plane. (Say, who brought the swank?) Every soul is enjoying the party when the aforementioned killer dressed as Santa Claus arrives & starts killing them.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well...

So, you want to have fun on the holidays? Sure, we all do. But, you don't want to get killed? Well...ain't gonna happen.

Here's your death.

I don't mean to sound crass because I don't feel crass. When it comes to the holidays (especially Christmas), no other time of year excites my sensory perceptions more. I mean, my gosh, go to a good candle store and buy a dozen or more X-mas related candles. Get specific ones like Cinnamon or Egg Nog or some of the more "conceptual" candles like Christmas Morning & Holly Wreath. The memories those smells will bring to you can be pretty astounding. Some are specific (many of the fir related ones) but some are... they do a strange thing. There is one called Christmas Eve and when I smell it, it's odd... What does Christmas Eve smell like? This candle's odor conjures up memories beyond sensory. I think it's something to do with the name, honestly, maybe. The smell of the candle coupled with the name stir & draw up the memories of that time. (This is true because my memory is always vague before the name is known. A candle's fragrance can be enjoyed outright but due to, I guess, the limited amount of smells you can jam in candles, it works best when you also know the name. Your nose smells something but a push doesn't hurt.) It's strange. To smell each candle as it burns... Christmas. The day is not just one word, it is 100 different things vying for your mind's attention.

I don't bring the magic with me; it's already here when I show up.

Where was I?

Christmas and why it hurts.

I almost want to give away the ending so you'll have a happier Xmas. But, I can't. You really should get out there on your own.

Please.

I will add this... buy cinnamon sticks. Warm up your eggnog. Remove it from the stove right before boiling. Stir the Cinnamon stick around a bit. Be good, you snickerdoodle! Take the stick out & drink. Drink hearty. Life doesn't begin when you're dead. It starts when you're very much alive.

So, To All A Good Night. That was not a sentence, I know. But, it sums everything up in one big gulp. David Hess has never directed another film with such power. We shall forever miss the second chance he might have had. Jennifer Runyon takes my breath away. Maybe you're a jerk. Times during the movie when I was worried for Christmas Future. (Surely, we could hide in Christmas Past if need be.) But, here...

Christmas is OK!

It has some troubles but if gets there fine.

It does.

I love U all.

Friday the 13th 3-D -- Now with Crap In My Face!

I'm glad I'm back from vacation in time for 2 things:

1) Holidays! Man, I love the holidays! (The editors will be posting my tips for "A Safe Xmas" in an upcoming edition.) &

2) Crap in my face!

Have you been to the Rialto? D'you know what I'm talking about? D'you not know what I'm talking about? Have you been to the Rialto? What do you do with your time? Self flagellation is counterproductive for everyone. I guess I'll fill you in.

D'you know what my favorite day of the year is after Xmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Halloween, New Year's, May 12 and Arbor Day? You guessed it! October 8! After that? Yep! Friday the 13th. That is why the Rialto's so important this week. Because it's showing Friday the 13th 3-D! (Although, the opening isn't in 3-D. So, you don't need glasses on there.) Let me spray you with some lowdown.

There's a guy at a camp, who may or may not be named Jason, that has killed a whole slew of people. One of those great legends about a creepy guy killing the kids off in the woods. We even see The Legend Re-Capped. That's the 2-D part. It's something to do with his mother's head surrounded by candles. A young blond lady gives him the runaround. When we go to 3-D, he's still loose and the cops are after him. Good For Him! I think it's a swell place to start a movie. In excelsis res is what we call it. When the action begins, we start cooking along with another batch of kids who like pot and sex. They go to a house near a lake where Jason kills them.

Oh, but first, Jason (easier to call him that) kills a kind of gross couple at a little produce store along the rural route. And, although they're not campers, I think I know why he killed them. Because they kept waving crap in my face. Not real crap but everything that is waveable. Laundry, sticks, sharp things, rabbits & everything. Thank God he killed them!

Hey, what's this 3-D about! Is it those glasses? Is it the crap in my face? I guess so. If so, Bravo and Brava! I've never had a spear fly at me & I've never had an eyeball pop out my way! Cinema lets off a fine smell! This is the freshest of them all!

Uhhh...So, here we go. There are a few cute couples with boobs & butts. There's a fat guy who nobody really seems to like but he has a hockey mask. And, there are three bikers, big bikers, who like to send a little trouble towards our group.

Well, one of the gals had run into this Jason fellow before. And, they will have a big Crap-In-My-Face run-in again before all this is through. Her friends are not so lucky. They're killed (as are those big bikers) and sliced and have bits of themselves thrown at us. Jason decides to start wearing the fat guy's hockey mask. Although, I thought the killer here was supposed to be Jason's brother because the 3-D killer is ten times bigger than the 2-D one but there you have it.

Oh boy! Watch out for the stuff flying at you. None of it hits you for real but it sure comes damn close. I really like the eyeball. An eyeball's a glorious thing. Ahhh, Hollywood. Sure makes you smile. The story of Jason, his mother, that one girl and a few kids & such who get killed. This is one to remember! Why? Because Hollywood throws crap at you! This is pretty wild stuff! I'm glad I'm back! What a jerk I would have been if I'd missed this!

The best part of all of this? I have yet to remove the glasses. Now, thanks to Hollywood, every moment of my day is in 3-D! I never thought life could be so alive! If you're in the neighborhood, stop by the offices. And, if I'm wearing my glasses, throw some crap in my face!

I'm back! It's nice! My space is soothed.

Happy Thanksgiving From Your Favorite Editors!

[No column this week. Just this blurb and reprint]

From The Editors

Drathmoor is on "Vacation" this week. So, we've put together...

Our Favorite Drathmoor-isms!


"Hollywood is so great it makes me feel good!"

"There's nothing like killing people when they're not dead!"

"A monster, sure, but a fantastic monster with fantastic slacks!"

"Hey! It's like the man said: It's not so scary being a fairy!"

"Melvin went in first but his arms came out last, if you know what I mean."

"Why can't things work in the victim's favor for once?"

"It'll be a soft night on my rump before that happens!"

"Velveteen is too vague a word to describe my pants after this film."

"Well, well four guys named Thermin and their mama, Cozy Wanda!"

"Too much, too soon, I fudged 'em!"


Of course, this is just a smatter. When Drathmoor returns from his "Vacation", we'll get a lot more. You can count on that!

This week at the Rialto: Splatter University . A young woman begins teaching at a prestigious Catholic school. Contemporaneously, a mysterious figure begins killing the students. Is it her? Or is it the crazy old priest in the wheelchair? Come to the Rialto this week and find out in this state-of-the-art, high impact thriller.

My Holiday Season Has Begun

The Holidays are here! And, I have shined my shoes and spread the grease on my spats! My favorite time of the year is here! And, contrary to my popular opinion, Hollywood have obliged.

Pre-Review: This is not the sequel to anything. Before my holiday commences, I'm glad we are now back to the world of proper film.

Actual Review: Oh, I know this week it's Home Sweet Home, a festive slash-em-up that takes place all over Thanksgiving. I know it's about a big, muscular guy with an overactive laugh slasherizing people! But, running over little old ladies crossing the street is just not something you want to do. For Real.

Have you ever seen festivities like this? No, you haven't.

They have turkey, wine, cranberry sauce, greens, mashed potatoes and a mime. Everything, just everything. Very festive. Until everyone starts to die. At this point, everything goes really bad, pretty swiftly. What can you do?

I enjoy turkey. I enjoy quality time with myself and others to make clear what I'm thankful for. I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone killing me. Although, getting rid of the mime wouldn't be so bad. Ya know, maybe it should be a general rule: Don't hurt people on major holidays, except Halloween & Arbor Day. I mean, you think that would just be something you'd know from birth. Apparently not.

Hey, the kind of loud & unpleasant grossm'n who's married to the lady whose house we're at... Take all that in & I'll start over again. I want to say that the world in this film is a wonderful place. How do I know? Because the man who owns the house is clearly a pudgerific, hairy nooner yet he has such a lovely well-chested wife. God bless! When a movie can teach you something like that, it's not all bad. (I think my Holiday Love might be increasing my Movie Love.)

Unless I'm leaping about here, the lesson of these holiday killers is to make us not want to kill people at the holidays. I certainly don't want to. I would bet you cash that everyone I saw this with hasn't gone out and killed anyone during the holidays. Home Sweet Home is a very facetious reading, let me speak it.

The thing about the killer is that he is big, he is mean and he'll tear you up. He is nuts. Ya know, insane killers rarely escape from places on August 9th or April 27th. It's always around a holiday or a big event. I think they really need to beef things up, security wise, in every asylum around the country during this time of year. A Public Service message from Hollywood that's been given early enough so you can keep an eye out all month. How 'bout that one?

They know how to make 'em... And that is great!

Home Sweet Home! I... Sure... Happy Thanksgiving...

[The review ends there.]

Oh no...

What the hell happened here?

Ya know, I thought, well, this one looks like a movie, at least. (After that "certain movie" of last week, I was very wary.) Cheap, sure. But, hey, Revenge! There's something to shoot for. Conjures up interesting images. Here we go.

Boy, this opening scene sure looks familiar. Say, that doctor who's examining the body that fell from the fire escape looks familiar. His voice reminds me of... Then, the reporter comes up & talks about the sheriff's dead daughter, how she killed her boyfriend, ritualistic killings at the college sorority... Uh-oh. And then, the gold medallion comes out. Oh no! This movie is the sequel to Blood Cult! What the hell happened?

So, I took some breaths & tried to swim in & enjoy it. It looks better than Blood Cult. John Carradine is in it for about 8 minutes. I think some guy related to John Wayne is in it... or someone. There are other human people in it. Quite a few from Blood Cult. They still stink, though. (Was this made immediately after Blood Cult? Why?)

I suffered through the 100-odd minutes of this with deep, deep pains in my stomach. It answered all the questions I had about the first one. But, it answered them all almost exactly as I thought it would. I'm looking at last week's review and trying to answer quite a few of the questions. Revamping the first paragraph's questions: Yes, yes, no. The point of the boyfriend is just to be killed because that way his brother can show up and do whatever it is he does. A waitress, who is clearly part of the cult, put the drug in the Sheriff's drink. The Sheriff took a long time calculating everything because that's what was needed to fill up the running time. It happens in this one, too. The brother and the lady on the farm spend an inordinate amount of time wading through plot waters that seem unnecessary after the first film. Why? Because we have to sustain the running time! Isn't the best way to do that with redundant investigation? The campus isn't closed because the dean is part of the conspiracy. The coeds stay on the campus apparently because they have no brains. Although, in this one, most of the killing happens off campus grounds. Those were all the questions I saw that needed answering.

Here are a few more: What exactly is going on with the dog-faced sister in the final scene? Who is on the motorcycle? Is every member of the town in the cult except the lady on the farm? Can you have a viable secret cult in a small town where the entire population are members of it except for an old woman who could give a crap? Hell, if no one ever saw this movie, would it still be made? If we all went out of our way to not watch this movie, would it become unmade? Would the scenes come apart, the words make no sense, the music separate into notes and the pictures fade until the film was blank again? I don't know. But, it sure as hell is worth a try. I don't know why we're all sitting around. Simple and basic ignoring tactics might get this film off our hands.

Let's try it. 1... 2... 3... ignore...

Someone Tell Me What I'm looking at here...

So, here we are.

There's "someone" killing coeds at an Oklahoma University. They are removing parts of the body in a rather sloppy fashion. The sheriff discovers, with the help of his interesting-looking daughter, that this all may relate to the Cult of Caninus. Small amulets with dog's heads engraved on them are tipping our heroes off. A farm couple complain of noises and lights on their land. Could it be the cultists? Could some of the town's most prominent citizens be involved? Could the sheriff's daughter be next?

The answers are probably, I think so and no. (To me, it was pretty obvious that this was being done by a cult made up of prominent citizens (doctor, dean, etc.) but we only see the cult in a hallucination the sheriff has. So, it may just be a rogue killer.)

Well, now that I've answered those questions and given you the rundown, you don't need to see the movie. Trust me. 85 minutes could be better spent elsewhere. I can tell you the ending if you write to me c/o the Paper. Please, I beseech you.

Let's just start here: I wanted to love Blood Cult. Popcorn, chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a hefty Diet Cola. Ready to love... and then the movie started... It looks like something my Uncle J.P. would've shot with the family video camera. I don't even think this is supposed to be showing at the Rialto. This looks like a home video with credits and gore! Looks bad, sounds bad. Thank God I brought my hat with me so I had something to throw up in.

OK. Some of these films look bad, really bad. But, it is really a film when my Gramma (or even Gennifer's LaLa Manana) could have shot it and she's 93-years-old?! (Her visionary days are long behind her.) Come on! I think this is a rip off! I'm sorry. I should try and stay somewhat cool. But, come on.

New paragraph. Boy, that daughter sure is odd looking, isn't she? And, her boyfriend is really... what's his point? He does nothing but take up space. Why introduce him at all except to kill him? (Well, I suppose that's as valid a reason as any but it spreads my cheese.) Oh, that sheriff is bad enough but these two clowns! Oy!

It's strange. I just watched the movie and most of it has already left my mind. Killing on a farm, the sheriff, the couple, the dean, the doctor, the hallucination. Who puts the drug in the sheriff's drink? (I can see it's a waitress. Who is she? Part of the Caninus cult? Or... do I care?) The Sheriff takes an incredibly long period of time going over the exact same series of facts. Why? And, why in the name of Jesus, don't they get the coeds (that means the "women", right?) off the campus? Oh Lord. Why, if you were a coed, would you stay on the campus? Unless, of course, this all has something to do with the Cult of Caninus. Then... all bets are off...

Sigh.

I don't know, folks. I don't see it. I don't see the point. I just see 85 minutes of my life gone. POOF! vanished... I can't believe they show movies like this. I can't believe they pay me to watch movies like this. Oh my... OK.

Deep breath. here we are now.

Movies! What are they up to now? Can I get a round of applause for movies?

Lesson #395: Don't Hurt People

Well, I've never been part of a sorority and I've got a good reason why: who can afford to go to a good college? But, that's water under my bridge. Have you ever woken up at 6AM, strolled out onto the streets and got yourself a steaming hot cup of Joe and a kosher hot dog smothered in relish? That's what The House on Sorority Row is like.

Let me lead you through it... Here we are with these gals and they're privileged and they're well off and they're having a good time. But, college is over. It's all wrapped up. They have one last party to throw. But...

20 years ago...

Something happened with the house mother. Something happened to her baby and someone took her voice. Well, her baby's outcome is the subject of a lot of the film and her voice is replaced (gloriously) by the voice of Someone Else.

Now...back to the movie's present...

This house mother always closes down her house after the school's closing ceremonies. The girls want to keep it open. In fact, they're within their rights to stay. And, they do. And, they get in fights with the old woman. So, she slashes a poor rich girl's water bed and generally gets in their way.

The girls decide to play a little trick on her. So, they kill her and sink her body in the filthy, filthy pool out back. Now, finally, we can party.

But, quicker than you can release one into the frigid night air, the body of the old woman seems to be alternately 1) dead and showing up everywhere or 2) not dead and killing them. Well, there you go. Some of the girls start to get killed, others try to hide the body. The house mother (maybe) has a cane. She may (or may not) be killing some gals, lethally.

People party, there's a large strange doctor, psychedelic freak-outs, jilted want-to-be-lovers and all sorts of stuff. This one piles on the movement and loads on the thrills with, yes, a touch of wisdom to boot.

There's nothing like a whole bunch of your sorority sisters being killed to put you in the proper frame of mind: Don't hurt other people. Really what I'm saying is... Don't shoot them. If you happen to shoot someone, do not follow this up by hiding the body in an old pool. That doesn't help anybody and, half the time, they just come right back to life.

If you're lucky enough to get into one of these colleges, well, good for you, I say! The world and its sun shine and revolve around you forever & always! Just don't get involved in the stuff these girls do. People die here, folks! If you pay attention, you'll see that, a lot of times, people die because someone kills them! Don't be that someone. Thanks.

Better Than Carnage

When a group of ex-friends are gathered together at their old summer camp by strange invitations after they haven't seen each other for 10 years, some oddball things begin happening. They're locked onto the grounds, their abilities to leap a fence are taken from them, a strange figure lurks around and they start getting killed. The element that links them all together is the brother of one of the woman there. He was slightly mentally disabled (which means he looked about 25 when he was supposed to be 15, had a pasty face and talked really slow) and he was picked on. Well, there was an accident at camp and he was killed. Or was he? (It's tough to say really because during large portions of this film I couldn't see a thing.) Regardless, someone is killing them. Is it the brother? (Please reference my last parenthesized sentence.) All of this killing ties in neatly with words spoken and images gleaned in the pre-credit and credit sequence. (Or I think it does because I can't quite see all of it.) All in all, a (fairly) satisfying journey through (if interpreted lightly what could be called) terror.

Well, that was the most excruciating paragraph I've ever written. Trying to pretend that this stinkbug was in any way worth watching has exhausted me. I have no more love to give. What can you say about a movie where the only positive thing I could think of was "Well..it's better than Carnage and more fun than tumbling into a landfill head first with your mouth open." The film's too dark, the story is nothing new and the actors all look suited for more pornographic pursuits that anything else. This is bad. Even the summer camp feels wrong.

Now, I never went to one of those "several week long" summer camps at places with Indian names. My visits were limited to "day camps" that were over supervised and under fun. Softball, boondoggle and playing on the school playground, which, I guess, was OK but boondoggle was the only thing we didn't do during the regular school year and, unless you were a boondoggle junkie, one trip to Boondoggleville was enough. I do remember James Felowski pushing me through a window. Or pushing someone through a window. Why'd he do that? Now, there's a question worth finding an answer to. Nothing in Twisted Nightmare compares. Sadly.

If this is meant to be an entertainment, who is entertained? I was bored and/ or stupefied. But, I guess...in the end...I wanted to go to a Sleepaway Camp because I wanted to get laid. It seems like it would have been so much fun. Ah well...

I guess you should see Twisted Nightmare. It's the only film in town.

Note: The editors have "told" me that I must "pick up the pace" for my next couple of reviews. They didn't mind my musings when they were on the films or Film. "Apparently", they don't like where my reviews are going. "Not very nice, bad for business", all that. So, for the "next couple of reviews", I'm going to try to review the films and "be good". "We'll...see you there."

In Time For Halloween...

A haunted house movie? We don't get many of those by here. Let's enjoy it while we have it. I went to Maurice, manager of the Rialto, and thanked him for the change of pace. He just laughed and laughed. I used to think he was a joyous man but since I came back I'm not so sure. Joviality is pungent.

Carnage is the film this week. It's about a couple moving into their dream house. But, it's haunted and everybody dies.

But, that's only part of the story.

No. Actually, that's all of the story.

It's only part of what happens.

This strange, strange place. I thought they were living in a house of the damned and they were already dead. They move so languid, so lifeless. They coast through the movie without getting a single emotion to register in me. How did they do this? How did they put me into such a strange, strange mind frame? It filled up my head and jammed itself in there. I didn't know. I just didn't know.

Then, I realized what it was. The force that was doing this to me... Terrible, terrible acting. These people were absolutely no good at what they were doing. You wouldn't allow someone to fix your plumbing who wasn't a plumber. Why would you allow people in your film who clearly can't act? I mean, Good Gravy, two words from these people and you want to die. What kind of a way is this to run a movie?! Not a good one is my response.

And, the look of the film. Well, I don't want to anger anybody but I think it's just poorly made. Looks like crap, sounds like crap, hey, how about this... it is crap! I could be too harsh but I doubt it. Maybe this is why I don't watch haunted house movies more often.

And, those killings! The spirit who pulls out the intestines...  please tell me it's deliberately using a string or wire to yank them out. If I wasn't supposed to see that wire, why was it so obvious? Every facet of the film is like this. What the hell happened to Hollywood? I mean, are they really truly making junk like this?

I'd love to elaborate on something in this movie but all they do is talk and talk and talk and talk and... Jesus Saves! Stop talking! (Another thing: Carnage in what fashion? This is unlike any carnage that I've ever seen. It's extremely dull. Surely carnage must involve something interesting happening at some point. Why not write to me with what you think carnage is and if it involves this movie in any fashion.)

So, in conclusion, forget it.

I Know A Mean Man

Boy, there's a real mean guy in this week's movie Blood Rage.

When these twins were young, they saw a couple fooling around. So, one of them killed the guy with an ax and blamed his brother. Now, 10-ish years later, the brother who didn't hurt anyone escapes from the Goofy Hut and he's going home.


Mom lives in some kid of forest community of houses. It's Thanksgiving time but no one's doing real well. Mom loves drinking, the actual psychotic brother starts killing and everything really sucks around here. Women with big hair are no match for the killer brother and his knives.

Cyril, what about that brother? Ha! What a piece of work! Shifty, conniving, cunning, suave, popular, utterly psychotic. I mean, that sounds like that might be half the people I know but it's the brother. Every step of the way, he manipulates his slower brother into various spots that aren't good for anyone but him (the nutty one).

This is normal brother behavior, as far as I know. Your sibling is there solely to help with clean up of your mess (including blame placing). Your sibling is a bit of a dolt who doesn't deserve to carry on if he gets in your way. That's why you have a brother. Just for this purpose. I wish you could still ask my brother. He'd tell ya it's true.

Maybe I was right. These movies do teach a lot. Therapy in other people's pictures.

I'm sorry. I've forgotten a more exact plot: Twin brothers. Drive-in. Mom. One brother kills screwing around couple. Blames the other. That brother put away. 10 years later, Thanksgiving. Good brother escapes. Bad brother starts killing. People are really hurt. Mom gets really drunk. They finally have a big family meeting. That's it.

Death feasts on this film quite literally. And, all the big hair in the world won't stop a psychotic man with access to the cutlery drawer. Some intelligence is what we need here, people. The real mean guy is pretty obvious. Keep an eye out. We don't need to call in Sherlock Holmes for assistance. I know I have a brain under my scalp. You?

Until next week, enjoy Blood Rage at the Rialto. I know I watched it.

Sleepaway Chumps

I hope you enjoyed what I did with the title of the movie there.

Well, this is certainly a movie. Maybe not the movie to end all movies but definitely a movie. Let's stand in line, may we? They've got another one for us and it's this one!

The movie starts off with scenes of a summer camp, now closed down. We hear the sounds of kids playing but we see the place in shambles. This is Camp Arawak, closed for forever because something mysterious has killed everyone. Actually, it's only mysterious until the end of the movie, then you find out. But, the end's 85 minutes away and I'm here now.

Anyway, then we see a boat accident with a man and his two kids. One kid is killed and the man is killed in an also way. We then see the girl who survived. She's being raised, with her cousin, in her extremely stylized aunt's very stylized house. Then, the kids go to camp.

This is a camp that, from moment one, is completely fun & gay. The kids frolic around, the counselors frolic as well. The girl, whose dad and brother died, doesn't say a word. The cousin places fresh moves on assorted young ladies. A thin boy puts his movies on the quiet girl. There's a skinny dip with a whole lot of men. There's a counselor who (I forget his name) enjoys wearing the smaller and tighter things in shorts. So, everyone runs around and finds themselves and each other doing stuff people do at camp. And, the next thing I know (and they know) people start being extremely hurt or definitively killed.

The first person down is a burlym'n of dependent means who likes "baldies" (?, Savalas?) and who is the head chef. When he tries to help Angela (the quiet girl) get some food in the storage closet by taking off his pants, someone pours a huge pot of boiling water on him.

One of the boys is a jerk in a canoe with a girl at night and he is drowned. Another guy is stung by bees, a girl is stabbed in the shower, some little kids are axed up, a guy is decapitated, one girl is "curled" and other people die, too.

Oh for fun!

This is all presented in a very entertaining and light-on-its-feet fashion that keeps you coming back for more. At least until the movie ends.

The whole time there are all sorts of characters running about just trying to have fun until they die. There's the hot girl, the mean girl, the nerdy guy, the confused owner of the camp, the nice camp lady, the hateful girl and guy, Schlitz Mackilio and Wallace MacThumb. These people are such a rich, white tapestry that you'd think another film would be unnecessary. But, I see the moment that will carry on..
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There is a strange feeling amongst the men in this movie. I don't know how to describe it but it sort of fingers around my brain and doesn't leave me much to say. We'll be enlightened. Also, I don't understand the aunt's house. It's not a house. Black walls and, in one scene, the two kids are in a bed and you can see their breath. I don't mean some sort of animatronic movie magic. I mean visible clouds of breath. Are they outside? Why? How? I thought I was the only kid growing up who had no heat in his bedroom and could see his breath in bed throughout the winter. (Don't worry, reader. I had a quilt.) Lastly, all the kids in this movie are kids. I don't know if this is a step forward or one back. (Was the old style where all the kids were in their 20's or 30's saying something important?) I'm a little confused by all this but I don't lie awake at night thinking about it. Very much. Let's hope someone can clear this up soon.

So, what have we got? More than we can handle I would think. Deep breaths. Sleepaway Camp is all that (All That You Know) and beyond. We'll get there in the end. We'll all get there. So, be careful. It's getting rocky and we don't turn back from here.

Could we get a little more accurate on the House in question, please?

I Love movies.

I love people who love movies.

Therefore, I Love You.

Would you let me stay at your place for a while?

This is all kidding around.

But, it wouldn't be if I lived at the House of Death. A place where people die.

Yes, you heard it here first. People die at the House of Death.

And, they all like sex. Although, none of them actually have sex in the House of Death. In fact, after watching the movie twice (fell asleep in the theater), I'm not 100% sure where exactly the House of Death was in the film.

The cast arrives at an old house in a graveyard during a rainstorm. While there, a 34-year-old college student named Diddle goes to use the old outhouse. Whilst in the old outhouse, he is completely slaughtered. Hung like a stuck pig who was going #2 during it all.

Then, his friends find him and some more folks are killed and it all ends in the House of Death.

Well, I suppose it must be the House of Death. It is in a cemetery and people die there. But, it only appears in the last 10-15 minutes of the film.

Then, of course, it could be the house of the buxom blond who doesn't seem to bother with sex but turns out to be buxom in the end...Her Grammy lives in the house with her. No one dies there but...well, who's to say it's not the House of Death?

But, there's the house of the young woman who plays baseball with the young man. But, we never go in there.

But, there is the Bottomley household, home to Agnes & Casey. She's pleasingly plump, he's mentally slow from an accident, I think. The movie is mysterious on that point.

Or it could be the briefly visited home of the Coach.

In fact, that's probably it.

OK. Well, that's the House of Death.

Thanks for reading this week. I'll be back next week with more words for you to read.

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The following was a lesson for everyone:

The coach's house was not the House of Death.

The movie states, and I believe this is true, that any house could be the House of Death. So, be careful. Don't die. Thanks for reading.

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What? You want more? Kids, go see the movie, Will you, please?

Suzy & Lanky Madge & a Lake Called Tenkiller

Hey, here's something to get you through your day: You don't have to be smart to have a nice life! Hollywood knows this. They've told me and I'm telling you. Don't worry! I've seen Terror At Tenkiller.

There's a whole bunch of people in this movie. Some are rich, some poor, some attractive, some not, some nice, some not. But, they all lead pretty happy lives. Even the killer doesn't do so bad for himself. Our leading lady, for example, is a perfect illustration.

She's sweet, she's blond. She is, at some points in the film, thin and, at others, chunky. Her performance is a notch above bubble-headed. She has an abusive boyfriend that she likes to stay with and, overall, she's as mediocre a character as I've ever seen. But, disregarding the man troubles and the killer, she's having a fine time. No grief. She goes to the gym, she parties with her friend, she has a nice time! The guys like her. She's pretty and sweet but in every other way wholly unremarkable.

I think Hollywood is saying this: Don't knock Pretty & Dumb. They go a long way. Certainly further than ugly and smart ever got you. Keep that in mind. It sure helped me.

That's that.

Here's the movie...

Tenkiller is a lake. The terror at it occurs when this guy starts killing people there.

Suzy (the blond (although that may not be her name)) has had a big argument with her snobby, possessive boyfriend who may (or may not) be named Chevy. Her best friend, Lanky Madge, says Suzy should forget him and go to the lake with her for the summer. Suzy takes some convincing but, eventually, it's off to Tenkiller! For the summer!

The girls start working at a local diner, which is lucky for them since it looks like all the other jobs here involve being a crusty old guy working on the lake. Suzy meets a very nice man named Dave. They go out and it's really sweet. But, Dave gets angry sometimes and kills people!

Mixed into this, her ex- is trying to find her. Plus, there is talk of a female Indian spirit that lives in the lake and drags evil men to their doom. Her legend shrouds the lake in an all-pervading cloud of mystery and despair. Her spirit is hungry and waiting...patiently. But, enough about that.

After a while, Dave kills Suzy's friend. Soon after that, everything converges when Dave goes after Suzy and Chevy reappears. But, Chevy gets killed fairly quickly and Suzy and Dave tussle on the water in the middle of the lake. Dave is dragged under the water and Suzy makes it to shore, battered, bruised but safe and dumb. After she stumbles away, however, Dave leaps out of the water and freezes in mid-air. How? Maybe he was the Indian Spirit all along... But, that seems unlikely.