Oh no...

What the hell happened here?

Ya know, I thought, well, this one looks like a movie, at least. (After that "certain movie" of last week, I was very wary.) Cheap, sure. But, hey, Revenge! There's something to shoot for. Conjures up interesting images. Here we go.

Boy, this opening scene sure looks familiar. Say, that doctor who's examining the body that fell from the fire escape looks familiar. His voice reminds me of... Then, the reporter comes up & talks about the sheriff's dead daughter, how she killed her boyfriend, ritualistic killings at the college sorority... Uh-oh. And then, the gold medallion comes out. Oh no! This movie is the sequel to Blood Cult! What the hell happened?

So, I took some breaths & tried to swim in & enjoy it. It looks better than Blood Cult. John Carradine is in it for about 8 minutes. I think some guy related to John Wayne is in it... or someone. There are other human people in it. Quite a few from Blood Cult. They still stink, though. (Was this made immediately after Blood Cult? Why?)

I suffered through the 100-odd minutes of this with deep, deep pains in my stomach. It answered all the questions I had about the first one. But, it answered them all almost exactly as I thought it would. I'm looking at last week's review and trying to answer quite a few of the questions. Revamping the first paragraph's questions: Yes, yes, no. The point of the boyfriend is just to be killed because that way his brother can show up and do whatever it is he does. A waitress, who is clearly part of the cult, put the drug in the Sheriff's drink. The Sheriff took a long time calculating everything because that's what was needed to fill up the running time. It happens in this one, too. The brother and the lady on the farm spend an inordinate amount of time wading through plot waters that seem unnecessary after the first film. Why? Because we have to sustain the running time! Isn't the best way to do that with redundant investigation? The campus isn't closed because the dean is part of the conspiracy. The coeds stay on the campus apparently because they have no brains. Although, in this one, most of the killing happens off campus grounds. Those were all the questions I saw that needed answering.

Here are a few more: What exactly is going on with the dog-faced sister in the final scene? Who is on the motorcycle? Is every member of the town in the cult except the lady on the farm? Can you have a viable secret cult in a small town where the entire population are members of it except for an old woman who could give a crap? Hell, if no one ever saw this movie, would it still be made? If we all went out of our way to not watch this movie, would it become unmade? Would the scenes come apart, the words make no sense, the music separate into notes and the pictures fade until the film was blank again? I don't know. But, it sure as hell is worth a try. I don't know why we're all sitting around. Simple and basic ignoring tactics might get this film off our hands.

Let's try it. 1... 2... 3... ignore...

Someone Tell Me What I'm looking at here...

So, here we are.

There's "someone" killing coeds at an Oklahoma University. They are removing parts of the body in a rather sloppy fashion. The sheriff discovers, with the help of his interesting-looking daughter, that this all may relate to the Cult of Caninus. Small amulets with dog's heads engraved on them are tipping our heroes off. A farm couple complain of noises and lights on their land. Could it be the cultists? Could some of the town's most prominent citizens be involved? Could the sheriff's daughter be next?

The answers are probably, I think so and no. (To me, it was pretty obvious that this was being done by a cult made up of prominent citizens (doctor, dean, etc.) but we only see the cult in a hallucination the sheriff has. So, it may just be a rogue killer.)

Well, now that I've answered those questions and given you the rundown, you don't need to see the movie. Trust me. 85 minutes could be better spent elsewhere. I can tell you the ending if you write to me c/o the Paper. Please, I beseech you.

Let's just start here: I wanted to love Blood Cult. Popcorn, chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a hefty Diet Cola. Ready to love... and then the movie started... It looks like something my Uncle J.P. would've shot with the family video camera. I don't even think this is supposed to be showing at the Rialto. This looks like a home video with credits and gore! Looks bad, sounds bad. Thank God I brought my hat with me so I had something to throw up in.

OK. Some of these films look bad, really bad. But, it is really a film when my Gramma (or even Gennifer's LaLa Manana) could have shot it and she's 93-years-old?! (Her visionary days are long behind her.) Come on! I think this is a rip off! I'm sorry. I should try and stay somewhat cool. But, come on.

New paragraph. Boy, that daughter sure is odd looking, isn't she? And, her boyfriend is really... what's his point? He does nothing but take up space. Why introduce him at all except to kill him? (Well, I suppose that's as valid a reason as any but it spreads my cheese.) Oh, that sheriff is bad enough but these two clowns! Oy!

It's strange. I just watched the movie and most of it has already left my mind. Killing on a farm, the sheriff, the couple, the dean, the doctor, the hallucination. Who puts the drug in the sheriff's drink? (I can see it's a waitress. Who is she? Part of the Caninus cult? Or... do I care?) The Sheriff takes an incredibly long period of time going over the exact same series of facts. Why? And, why in the name of Jesus, don't they get the coeds (that means the "women", right?) off the campus? Oh Lord. Why, if you were a coed, would you stay on the campus? Unless, of course, this all has something to do with the Cult of Caninus. Then... all bets are off...

Sigh.

I don't know, folks. I don't see it. I don't see the point. I just see 85 minutes of my life gone. POOF! vanished... I can't believe they show movies like this. I can't believe they pay me to watch movies like this. Oh my... OK.

Deep breath. here we are now.

Movies! What are they up to now? Can I get a round of applause for movies?

Lesson #395: Don't Hurt People

Well, I've never been part of a sorority and I've got a good reason why: who can afford to go to a good college? But, that's water under my bridge. Have you ever woken up at 6AM, strolled out onto the streets and got yourself a steaming hot cup of Joe and a kosher hot dog smothered in relish? That's what The House on Sorority Row is like.

Let me lead you through it... Here we are with these gals and they're privileged and they're well off and they're having a good time. But, college is over. It's all wrapped up. They have one last party to throw. But...

20 years ago...

Something happened with the house mother. Something happened to her baby and someone took her voice. Well, her baby's outcome is the subject of a lot of the film and her voice is replaced (gloriously) by the voice of Someone Else.

Now...back to the movie's present...

This house mother always closes down her house after the school's closing ceremonies. The girls want to keep it open. In fact, they're within their rights to stay. And, they do. And, they get in fights with the old woman. So, she slashes a poor rich girl's water bed and generally gets in their way.

The girls decide to play a little trick on her. So, they kill her and sink her body in the filthy, filthy pool out back. Now, finally, we can party.

But, quicker than you can release one into the frigid night air, the body of the old woman seems to be alternately 1) dead and showing up everywhere or 2) not dead and killing them. Well, there you go. Some of the girls start to get killed, others try to hide the body. The house mother (maybe) has a cane. She may (or may not) be killing some gals, lethally.

People party, there's a large strange doctor, psychedelic freak-outs, jilted want-to-be-lovers and all sorts of stuff. This one piles on the movement and loads on the thrills with, yes, a touch of wisdom to boot.

There's nothing like a whole bunch of your sorority sisters being killed to put you in the proper frame of mind: Don't hurt other people. Really what I'm saying is... Don't shoot them. If you happen to shoot someone, do not follow this up by hiding the body in an old pool. That doesn't help anybody and, half the time, they just come right back to life.

If you're lucky enough to get into one of these colleges, well, good for you, I say! The world and its sun shine and revolve around you forever & always! Just don't get involved in the stuff these girls do. People die here, folks! If you pay attention, you'll see that, a lot of times, people die because someone kills them! Don't be that someone. Thanks.