Cyril celebrates the "Spirit of '76"

“The Spirit of ‘76!” I’m sure you’ve seen the banner hanging proud and large across the front of the Rialto. For the next few weeks, they’re showing films solely from the year 1976. As you may or may not know, I don’t believe that hopping back into our history like this is all that great. I recently had a chance to glance at my calendar and we’re no longer in 1976 so the lessons taught by these films are no longer valid. There is a reason why they make new movies: Because they are important! Be that as it may, the Rialto is showing these “oldies.” And, the editors have requested that I review them in my “normal fashion.” So, I shall. “The Spirit of ‘76!” is here. Let’s enjoy together. Shall we? We shall.

One question I had right off the bat was: Where was “Queen Kong?” All week long that had been the advertised film. But, when I arrived, the marquee read “Next Week: Queen Kong!” Oh well. This week: “Kiss of the Tarantula.” Arachnids over apes? Were they trying to tell us something? You decide.

So, the tarantulas who kiss are owned by a girl whose name is (most likely) Genevieve. An odd gal who doesn’t have very many human friends but does have many, many spider friends. And, they do her bidding whenever her bidding needs doing. In fact, that’s the gist of this “old favorite.” A strange girl who spends a lot of time with spiders uses them to kill people who throw her the grief. Thank you very much.

What about that scene with the make-out couple in the car, huh?! They’re smooching, it’s nice, it feels fine. Then, the car’s filled with spiders and the guy’s dead! Holy Crap! And the lady goes nuts! Holy Super Crap! Thank God I hadn’t met this odd gal when I was younger. Many’s the time she could have done a similar thing to me when I was in the woods, late at night...you know what I mean. Although, I was never as distracted as make-out couples must have been. Actually, I probably would have got out of there before the spiders swarmed. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. So, if you’re planning on kissing someone to distraction in a car in the dark, watch out for swarming. It happens. (Or it happened.)


Dear sweet Genny, I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say to you...Come on, kid! Get with it! You can’t run around killing people with spiders all your life! Where’s that leading you? What’s the future hold? Someone doesn’t give you a job...kill him with spiders. Someone won’t go to the prom with you...death by spider. Someone cuts you off in traffic...spiders down their drawers. The love of your life runs off with your brother...smother them in spiders. I mean, it sounds great but it’s really just screwy! You need a hobby that’s less based in violence against other people. Something like model airplanes, doll collecting, finding shiny rocks, not hurting people. Oh, there you go. Making a hobby of not hurting people sounds like a great start. In fact, I would guess that that’s the lesson of today’s film: Don’t kill people with spiders. Take up productive hobbies of a non-violent nature. Join a Youth Group of some kind. I believe that Jesus was around in ‘76 so perhaps he could help you. And, as always, don’t do drugs.

(A quick disclaimer: As the film is an old one, the lesson may no longer apply.)

“Kiss of the Tarantula:” A journey forward from a past time to share its wonder in the present moment. Go to the Rialto and see what you think. Next week: “Queen Kong!” Bring the kids. Or they might just bring you.

An Oldie But A Newie

It’s funny. I watch a movie. It’s good for you. The memory of that movie is forever emblazoned on the mind. But, Hollywood makes a lot of movies. They constantly press forward, changing and refining ideas. Ideas that are important to them and us. Movie after movie floods my head. So, after 100 or more, I don’t retain exact memories of each movie. I retain the strains of thought from each and the build-up of intertwining moral and social threads. However, the individual moments all mold together into one. Luckily, Hollywood has found a solution. (Did you think they wouldn’t?) This mighty fixative? Remaking (with slightly subtle differences) films we’ve previously seen.

I haven’t watched “Halloween” in about five years. But, it doesn’t matter. Because I’ve just seen “Offerings.” The exact same movie but without a lot of the scares. Let’s be honest, it’s very tough to ingest the message when you can’t stop shriekin’! Know what I mean?

So, I present you now with “Offerings.”

We’ve seen it before. So, it makes everything a little easier.

Small town. The opening is certainly different. A little mute boy kills a relative. Granted, that’s not the part that’s different. The different part is how they present it. This new piece introduces the little girl who becomes a major part of the film.


“Ten Years Later”

The young woman has the house to herself. She has a friend who enjoys sex. The nutty fella has escaped from the loony bin (with a doctor in hot pursuit) and is going for the young woman whose name is nothing I currently remember. Let’s call her Sue-Anne. Sue-Anne is given “offerings’ from the crazy guy. An ear, a nose, a head, etc. He loves her, whereas Michael Meyers in “Halloween” seems to want to kill the girl.

I think this is what’s happened: We learn as we go. In “Halloween,” the young innocent is presented as the center of the stalk. She is what he is after. And, this has been the template for what has happened since. Some variation of that has permeated through each one of these. If the world is flat works for the best and brightest, why shouldn’t it work for me?

Well, they’ve re-thought their case. Our psychopathic innocent is now on the same level with our real innocent. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He wants to give her gifts and make sure she’s happy. Their re-alignment of this once over-the-top theme is very interesting. In the past, one saw the innocent making it to the end simply because she or he was the last one killed. Now, the innocent survives because the psycho doesn’t want to kill her.

Folks, the new thing is here! This is THE most important part of our new variation. Keep it in mind.

But, that wasn’t much of a review.

In Oklahoma (don’t make me sing it), some teens are having a heck of a time. It seems a boy they once picked on and pushed down a well is back to kill them. The funny thing is that the well doesn’t kill the boy or really seem to hurt him at all. The prologue ends with him falling in and the kids running away. Except for one little girl. His friend, Sue-Anne.

Well, then we get the “10 Years Later” and they tell us that that night the boy came out of the well and killed and ate his mom. That’s why he was put away. The well apparently sparked it and...really I don’t know. The events in the opening relate to the movie but not what got him put away. So, anyway...


“Ten Years Later”

The boy who was pushed in the well is coming to kill the kids who pushed the boy in the well. Except for the girl he likes (Sue-Anne). But, really, she was just there. She didn’t have anything to do with it.

Crazy McFriend squeezes one head in a vice, cuts a throat in a car, hangs one guy, decapitates a gal and so forth. And, that’s the line up. It feels like something we’ve seen before but we know we haven’t seen this.

In closing: Be good.

Happy Birthday to Me?, asks Cyril P.

Well, thanks very much. It was awfully nice but it’s really not my birthday.
The birthday is Virginia’s, the young lady star of this film. The bouncing, perky young miss who we quickly learn is going to some sort of exclusive school or other. Having fun, living it up, spending time with the exclusive bunch of rich kids unofficially known as “The Ten.” (Although, they may have been “The Eight” or “The Nine.” I know it was some number. I can’t quite read my notes.) Well, the problem is that someone starts killing “The Number Group” members in various ways including, but not limited to, weights on the neck, throats slit with razors and shish kebob skewers rammed into the throat.

Now I certainly don’t want to ruin anything but, our killer might be little Ginny. It certainly might be. You see, she keeps having these strange flashbacks whenever the camera tilts and a red light shines on her face. Something to do with her brain being exposed and sessions with psychotherapist Glenn Ford. She’s trying to remember something that happened to her.

A little something that might have something to do, somehow, with the killer.

Peregrinations and palpitations abound. People are killed. Ginny’s best friend tries to be supportive and looks around a lot in a very stern fashion. The other “The Group” members all act strange. About 1/2 hour into it, due to all this suspicious behavior, everyone in the crowd, including myself, thought we’d found our killer. There’s one nerdy taxidermist guy with glasses who has the first girl’s head on a platter! The lady one row behind me and three seats over declared without a shadow of a doubt that “He’s the one!” and she actually left the theater and went home. But, I wasn’t so sure.

My suspicions panned out. The guy is not the killer. (I don’t like to spoil things but I don’t want you to leave like the lady did.) Neither is the guy who sneaks around Ginny’s bedroom. Or the guy with the knife in the bell tower. Or the best friend who’s always staring about. Or Ginny who clearly stabs the glasses guy about 45 minutes into the movie. (In fact, a lovely couple, 5 rows behind me and six seats to the left, took off when this happened.) Nor is it any of the adults who...Oh wait a sec. One of these people is the killer actually. Sorry.

I wish I could lay you down with a little more plot but the mystery is so deep here that I really don’t want to ruin it more than I may have. Although, here are a few closing bits for you: The guy burying the dead guy’s scarf is just naturally suspicious. The girl floating by the see-through window in the pool is not dead. When Virginia yells “Kill him!” over and over, she’s referring to a very intense soccer game. A woman’s panties are her own private fortress. The amount of subterfuge an unstable person can get away with is Einstein-amazing. And, finally, when the camera tilts and you see that red light, take a seat. Things might get a little wacky.

A lesson, you say. A lesson, you beg? Sure. If two or more of your friends have disappeared and you’ve had some sort of trauma, be wary of everyone! Everyone will act nutty. Everyone will act suspicious. Keeping a very close eye on them will help you through. Oh, and those masks that killers wear that look like the person but then when they pull it off looks like a mask, well, there’s something to look for. A friend playing tricks on an average day wouldn’t wear something like this.

“Happy Birthday To Me:” Hollywood made it convoluted. Like life. Take it from me.

"Mama, we're all gritty now!"

“Blood Rage”

Mama, we’re all gritty now!

Are we ever?...Yes, we are ever.

Let me start from a ripe point and work around: Boys, if you move to the big city, do this for me: Don’t kill. I think the lesson in this one is crystal clear all the way because we see the killer from the beginning. He seems like a nice guy but he has a tendency to kill the ladies. He leaves and goes to NY because (?) I thought he was trying to get in touch with more opportunities. But, his life is one big dive. Then...?

Tip: Before you move to the big city, do some research. Please. If all you can afford is a vermin infested motel room, go somewhere cheaper. Moving to a big city that doesn’t fit your budget and that you should go nowhere near is only going to anger and frustrate you. Plus, if you’re one with a habit for killing people, this may exacerbate it somewhat. What a lesson, huh?

Tip 2: For lonely guys, prostitutes will sleep with anyone provided you give them some cash. What a country! Hell, I wish I knew some. Ha!

Tip 3: Big cities consist of three groups: cops, pimps and prostitutes. They exist in a symbiotic relationship floating around one another. Be wary of anyone outside these groups. They may be nuts.

I did it again: Where’s my plot?, you ask. Well, in Small Town America, a sheriff goes to visit a prostitute. Then, Ronald Nuttums does the same, kills the prostitute and moves to NYC. The cop follows. After encountering all sorts from the Three Groups, the killer is finally pushed out a window by the cop although I think I gave too much away right there.

Hollywood once again has built a new thing right into their movie: To keep us from following in the footsteps of this boy, the sleaze of the atmosphere is paralleled in the fact that I had to bathe after the movie. (All my parts, not just my 'dend.) It’s that good! It does that much of a job! Well done!