And it ends...

We hope you enjoyed The Collected Movie Reviews of Cyril P. Drathmoor. Cyril Shall Return!!!!!!



-Dan Budnik

Drathmoor's Countryside Nostalgia Column

Where the down home is in your home & that smell is nothing but love

Well, the Christmas Season is wrapping up and the New Year is fast approaching. Of course, one of the strongest memories we all share of the New Year is when our parents would allow us to stay up to Midnight. I know a lot of kids who were allowed but never quite made it. I remember hearing all the stories from friends when I was younger & even now. These are such great stories. Beautiful epics of little kids trying to make it to 12 Midnight and welcome in the glory of the New Year! I, personally, was very surprised at all of this. Gazing back on my childhood memories, I see that my parents never let me stay up past 9 until I was 12, then 10 until I was 15, then 11 on weekends, then... well, I could go on like this for quite a while... But, wow, wasn't that great! All you folks getting to stay up so, so late when you were little. I'd ask you to write in with more of your stories but I've heard enough.

It's interesting, too. I've never actually stayed up until Midnight on New Year's Eve. I always fall asleep. (New Year's Day, I can stay up with no problem!) I've taped New Year's Eve and watched it in the morning. But, never seen it live... Probably pretty exciting, huh? Wow! Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding!

Ahhh... the New Year. Deep breaths.

So, as it's the (Almost) New Year, I thought I'd have a glance at all that has passed through my life in the previous year. Well, let's have it...

It was an interesting year. I didn't see my family much. They were out and about, doing what they do. My brother, especially, is a real country hopper, they say. Me? Apart, from a few weeks away, I was here in Turbot all year. It's a great town. My trailer overlooks several beautiful trailers, in their own way, in the center of the park so I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And, love!... Well, love... What can you say? What can I say? I didn't get much this year. Hey, it happens! We all go through bad years. Some of us more than others. I'd say that I'm without love pretty average for my height. It doesn't get lonely, though. I have a collection of old underpants that I talk to. I'm kidding, of course. No, I have a hamster named Theremin who loves me dearly as long as I feed him. My trailer has never smelt better. It's all about disinfectants here, folks. All about making things smell better than you do after being in your own mess for about 7 or 8 days. Life is sweet, life is grand, life is a glorious escapade. That's what people say. But, once again, I'm in the staying up late on New Year's Eve spot.

But, life goes on. People have bad years. Well, maybe not rich or successful people. (Of course, they're unhappy. Just in different ways not involving poverty, need or disappointments.) And, maybe not people with really great families. (Of course, even really great families have troubles, too. Hell, I don't know where mine is!) But, there are people who have bad years and then good years. Although using the year as your template may not be terrifically accurate, it does work well.

So, I've had a not-so-great year. It had its moments, though. I can't say it didn't. I won't bore you with them here but they happened. So...

There you have it. New Year's, what a time. Join me in my column next year as we stroll through nostalgia's highways & byways to find signs of life or places we can hide.

Won't you journey with me?

A Safe Christmas

Everybody enjoys Christmas. It's the one time of the year when you can really be yourself (or somebody else). You can really just have a great, great time. Wow! This is a time for everyone, stinky and non-stinky alike.

Certain features of the holiday, however, can be quite lovely but dangerous. Let me give you a list.

- The time to buy gifts is before December 24. Do NOT rush on the 24th willy-nilly trying to buy. Especially if you're drunk.

- A tree is a great addition to any house but do not light real candles on it. They can flame up & kill everyone. Death is a tough sin to wash off the hands.

- Enjoy egg nog in limited quantities. That's a lot of egg, that's a lot of nog. And, you'll throw up all over yourself if you have too much.

- Light are nice. They blink, they don't, they're very festive. But, do not wrap them around a cat. Cats are unpredictable creatures with a penchant for running away. Lights are electrical objects with a penchant for electrocuting living beings.

- Presents are wonderful. But, don't give goofy. Nothing ruins a holiday more than getting a gift that clearly was not thought out beforehand. Consider who you're buying for before you buy.

- Fruitcake is a caring & traditional gift but no one eats it.

- If you've eaten too much at dinner, take five.. and then eat some more.

- Do not drink the tree water.

And last but not least...

- Santa's bo-bo's are for thankin', not yankin'.

Have a HAPPY HOLIDAY!

Night of Horror

One hell of a flick this Night of Horror. I don't think I've ever seen a film deal so well with the presence of ghosts in our life. I'll be honest, I think Horror is a bit of a strong term. This is not a horrific movie, more of a soporific that really treats well of certain elements of Horror and the Rialto is the place where it is. What a movie it is! There's not death & killing and, well, that should hold them for a while. I've got to Evil! work covertly here under cover of Blood!

Night of Horror really does in so many ways just exemplify i'm working at getting out of this. I didn't see Night of Horror. I'm through with these ASTOUNDING! movies. It's the holiday! Come on! I can't review these things anymore. I want to look at the slaughter! do something else. (Check my Safe Xmas MURDER! Tips column this week Of Death!) I really am trying to get another full-time column Oh Boy! Glorious Hollywood! But, I haven't been able to convince them. Almost there! I think I'm almost there. Very close. What a horror film!

It isn't easy to dislike a film this wonderful but there are one or two things someone else will come along and review. I'll do something else. It'll be great! Honest. Great! But, hold on, maybe next week we'll get lucky for the holidays. Horror! I don't know.

Hold on everyone! Next week! Who knows what we'll see?

A Note From Our Editor

Hello everyone.

Christmas approaches. Thank you everyone for reading & enjoying Cyril all year.

For the 22nd of December, there will be two entries:

1: Cyril's regular review.

2: A Special "Have a Safe Christmas" column written by Cyril.


Please enjoy. And Merry Christmas To All!!!

Silent Night, Deadly Night?

If Santa kills your Mom and Dad on the way home from visiting Grampa in the Old Loon's Home, get a good therapist. No, get a great therapist. Having a nun yell at you & punish you all the time for being wicked & sinful doesn't help anyone. The Mother Superior in this film is the character I would have thought "Most Likely To Get Killed" (she's rather deserving) but she survives. I don't mean to sound crass but where's that comeuppance I've come to expect?

There ain't enough good Santas in the world to exorcise this one real stinker. The poor boy in this, Billy(?), is just wrecked. After the extended opening, we get an extended post-opening involving him as a youngster, traumatized by Christmas! Then, we get him grown-up and he is not well. In fact, he's nuts. So, he starts hurting people in a very serious fashion with assorted things that really hurt.

The man is crazy, the man kills. What're you gonna do? A lot of people kill or at least that's the opinion I'm forming. There's always a reason and a lot of the time I wish it'd stop.

It's not very festive, this movie.

As far as extremely pleasant notions of fruitcake and things... right out!

Ya know, I've never owned one of those little village things. You know, the fake snow all around and little green trees and fake homes and/ or business establishments named after characters from Dickens and you stack them all around so it looks like some sort of festive place you've never been. I always wanted to know what's going on in the houses. They always have second floors and I always want to see (or be) in there. I don't know why. Oh, whenever they have sled or ski runs with multiple levels, I always what to go down them. There was one called "Log Cabin" that was meant to be someone's home. (I stayed at a log cabin once for three weeks. I'm sure it was very interesting.) I like the "Log Cabin" because there's a little lake out front with a tiny boat in it. But, the scale of the boat is wrong. It's about 1/4 the size of the lake, which would make it ridiculous to have. Several good rows and you'd be on the other side. In fact, the size of the fake man who owns the property is such that he could probably leap across it or at least bounce once in the middle and go from there. I love these things.

A memory that is leaving me... Being in a knicknackeria in a cold town. A wall cabinet nook... three stories of these things. It's laid down with white cloth and flows from the first level to the very top. Shops on the bottom leading to the banquet halls and festive homes in the middle flowing to the ski lofts, sled runs & frozen ponds for skating up top. It's breathtaking. A miniature breathtaking. I stare at it for a very long time. it's glorious, I'd love to be there. But, I never will. This I know & understand.

But, that doesn't mean I don't want it very, very bad.

Well, Silent Night, Deadly Night? Santa kills some folks at Christmas. As far as these go, it's all right. Merry...

Arthur, Bertrand & Constance

Hello, everyone! This is a Cyril Approved Post. "Dan" of Bleeding Skull has placed a novel up on Amazon. Please click on the link below and download yourself a copy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to read it again. Trust me here. Thank you. Happy Holidays.

Arthur, Bertrand & Constance

I'll Have a Good Night

It's time for good things. It's time for the holidays. It's time for the Rialto's latest adventure To All A Good Night. Sit right back & let me place you in some context for all of this.

Christmas. A time of joy, a time of cheer, a time of wonder? Certainly. But, and this is a little known fact that this movie has brought to life, also a time for psychopathic killers, many of them dressed as Santa.

To me, this seems the Least Fair Time of year to pull something like this, especially at the Calvin Finishing School For Girls. A pleasantly set-apart place that seems nice enough. Sweet girls (pretty too) enjoying an active lifestyle. Robust boyfriends come to visit in their private plane. (Say, who brought the swank?) Every soul is enjoying the party when the aforementioned killer dressed as Santa Claus arrives & starts killing them.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well...

So, you want to have fun on the holidays? Sure, we all do. But, you don't want to get killed? Well...ain't gonna happen.

Here's your death.

I don't mean to sound crass because I don't feel crass. When it comes to the holidays (especially Christmas), no other time of year excites my sensory perceptions more. I mean, my gosh, go to a good candle store and buy a dozen or more X-mas related candles. Get specific ones like Cinnamon or Egg Nog or some of the more "conceptual" candles like Christmas Morning & Holly Wreath. The memories those smells will bring to you can be pretty astounding. Some are specific (many of the fir related ones) but some are... they do a strange thing. There is one called Christmas Eve and when I smell it, it's odd... What does Christmas Eve smell like? This candle's odor conjures up memories beyond sensory. I think it's something to do with the name, honestly, maybe. The smell of the candle coupled with the name stir & draw up the memories of that time. (This is true because my memory is always vague before the name is known. A candle's fragrance can be enjoyed outright but due to, I guess, the limited amount of smells you can jam in candles, it works best when you also know the name. Your nose smells something but a push doesn't hurt.) It's strange. To smell each candle as it burns... Christmas. The day is not just one word, it is 100 different things vying for your mind's attention.

I don't bring the magic with me; it's already here when I show up.

Where was I?

Christmas and why it hurts.

I almost want to give away the ending so you'll have a happier Xmas. But, I can't. You really should get out there on your own.

Please.

I will add this... buy cinnamon sticks. Warm up your eggnog. Remove it from the stove right before boiling. Stir the Cinnamon stick around a bit. Be good, you snickerdoodle! Take the stick out & drink. Drink hearty. Life doesn't begin when you're dead. It starts when you're very much alive.

So, To All A Good Night. That was not a sentence, I know. But, it sums everything up in one big gulp. David Hess has never directed another film with such power. We shall forever miss the second chance he might have had. Jennifer Runyon takes my breath away. Maybe you're a jerk. Times during the movie when I was worried for Christmas Future. (Surely, we could hide in Christmas Past if need be.) But, here...

Christmas is OK!

It has some troubles but if gets there fine.

It does.

I love U all.

Friday the 13th 3-D -- Now with Crap In My Face!

I'm glad I'm back from vacation in time for 2 things:

1) Holidays! Man, I love the holidays! (The editors will be posting my tips for "A Safe Xmas" in an upcoming edition.) &

2) Crap in my face!

Have you been to the Rialto? D'you know what I'm talking about? D'you not know what I'm talking about? Have you been to the Rialto? What do you do with your time? Self flagellation is counterproductive for everyone. I guess I'll fill you in.

D'you know what my favorite day of the year is after Xmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Halloween, New Year's, May 12 and Arbor Day? You guessed it! October 8! After that? Yep! Friday the 13th. That is why the Rialto's so important this week. Because it's showing Friday the 13th 3-D! (Although, the opening isn't in 3-D. So, you don't need glasses on there.) Let me spray you with some lowdown.

There's a guy at a camp, who may or may not be named Jason, that has killed a whole slew of people. One of those great legends about a creepy guy killing the kids off in the woods. We even see The Legend Re-Capped. That's the 2-D part. It's something to do with his mother's head surrounded by candles. A young blond lady gives him the runaround. When we go to 3-D, he's still loose and the cops are after him. Good For Him! I think it's a swell place to start a movie. In excelsis res is what we call it. When the action begins, we start cooking along with another batch of kids who like pot and sex. They go to a house near a lake where Jason kills them.

Oh, but first, Jason (easier to call him that) kills a kind of gross couple at a little produce store along the rural route. And, although they're not campers, I think I know why he killed them. Because they kept waving crap in my face. Not real crap but everything that is waveable. Laundry, sticks, sharp things, rabbits & everything. Thank God he killed them!

Hey, what's this 3-D about! Is it those glasses? Is it the crap in my face? I guess so. If so, Bravo and Brava! I've never had a spear fly at me & I've never had an eyeball pop out my way! Cinema lets off a fine smell! This is the freshest of them all!

Uhhh...So, here we go. There are a few cute couples with boobs & butts. There's a fat guy who nobody really seems to like but he has a hockey mask. And, there are three bikers, big bikers, who like to send a little trouble towards our group.

Well, one of the gals had run into this Jason fellow before. And, they will have a big Crap-In-My-Face run-in again before all this is through. Her friends are not so lucky. They're killed (as are those big bikers) and sliced and have bits of themselves thrown at us. Jason decides to start wearing the fat guy's hockey mask. Although, I thought the killer here was supposed to be Jason's brother because the 3-D killer is ten times bigger than the 2-D one but there you have it.

Oh boy! Watch out for the stuff flying at you. None of it hits you for real but it sure comes damn close. I really like the eyeball. An eyeball's a glorious thing. Ahhh, Hollywood. Sure makes you smile. The story of Jason, his mother, that one girl and a few kids & such who get killed. This is one to remember! Why? Because Hollywood throws crap at you! This is pretty wild stuff! I'm glad I'm back! What a jerk I would have been if I'd missed this!

The best part of all of this? I have yet to remove the glasses. Now, thanks to Hollywood, every moment of my day is in 3-D! I never thought life could be so alive! If you're in the neighborhood, stop by the offices. And, if I'm wearing my glasses, throw some crap in my face!

I'm back! It's nice! My space is soothed.