Week 7 - Hide & Go Shriek with Cyril

Let me just start this piece by saying: The “Unclean” issue has been resolved!

Be as unclean as you want. Clean, unclean, it doesn’t matter! The Killer just wants to kill you. Although, maybe keeping an ear tuned to your surroundings when you’re making the Sweet Stuff with someone would be helpful. The lesson here: When you’re fiddling around, keep and eye on things.

All right. Settled. Good. Back to our movie: “Hide & Go Shriek”

Here we are in a location that never would have occurred to me: A large warehouse-like furniture store. Hmmm...good good. Show us where we can go, show us where it’s safe. And, show me where evil lurks. I need to know, we need to know.

Some hairful women and their tank-topped men spend a night at the store. I believe they’re supposed to be graduating high school although their friendship seems to revolve around the fact that they all graduated high school at age 23+. One of their dads owns the furniture store. They sneak in and spend the night. (Not the dads, the grads.)

After some light and fragrant sexual shenanigans, something very natural starts to happen. They begin to die. Pretty standard. Everyone dies. Except not everyone gets hacked up by a maniac who has something to do with (or could be) the ex-con maintenance man who lives in the basement.

These kids (sic) show us a whole new trouble. Fooling around is fun, sure, but...A giant empty furniture store?...I think this film sheds a little insight onto this, now doesn’t it? Ahhh...it’s good when you’re told things in no uncertain terms. It really helps. Because uncertainty can really muck you up. The folks in Hollywood know how to speak words of wisdom. This is why, when they don’t answer questions, I get so worried. As a reviewer, I’m pretty stymied. As a people, we are almost lost.

So, there are several couples (4) and quite a few of them are killed before the movie is over. Why? Who knows? They were there? Of course not...It’s never that easy. You know that! Be good! These poor dead kids are the examples for the rest of us. Someone needs to be sent to clear the path for others. Thank you, kids.

So, another quality piece from the boys and girls in celluloid. The almost total absence of plot makes things easier to see and absorb. They do it, they do it well.

You know what I think it’s time to do and I am serious...Donations. What better way to show your appreciation to these people who bring us so, so much! I have assembled a series of addresses. Just call my number at the paper (c/o the paper) and it will put you through to an automated message. The message will, basically, give you the rundown of all the major studios in Hollywood. A contact name is included with each. Send a check to that person “care of the studio” today. As much as you can. Come on, folks! Let’s give something back. They don’t make these movies for themselves. Give!

Give well!

Week 6 - Cyril & The Girls

One thing I like more than spending time with me (quality time) is time spent with the “cinema.” Certain things make one feel nice, like sugar and spice, and for me, this week, it was “Girls Nite Out.” The new film down at the Rialto.

An effortless twist and turn to a form one second away from repeating itself: the school slasher film.

Life springs anew from this gracious fountain. “Hollywood Lives!”

First off, let’s have a gander at that title: “Girls Nite Out.” Oh, Mrs. Margusson, my 2nd grade teacher, trying to teach me punctuation and sundries. How very, very wrong you were. She would have made this “Girls’ Night Out.” Even our spelling is insufficient. When a film can entertain and teach like this, well, there’s nowhere to go but up as far as I’m concerned.

This one has it all: men, women, killers, rock ‘n’ roll, Hal Holbrook, bear suits, drunks who teach us a thing or two about ourselves, David Holbrook, basketball, scavenger hunts, police procedurals and, dare I say it, all that jazz?!

What a thing this film is and all who sail on her!

Small college (or maybe a large one, it’s tough to say (part of the Wonder)) at the time of their annual Scavenger hunt. Several men and, yes, several women join in the reverie. What a time! I tell you!

We start with a basketball game and then one hell of a frat party! This is magic incarnate! My goodness! It’s a costumed frat party, too. As you can imagine, these are some of the most delightful outfits I’ve ever seen.

Well, not everything remains so delightful because one outfit is evil. It is not one of the costumes from the party...it is the basketball team’s mascot, the giant bear with the floppy, red tongue. Only now...it has big knives in its claws AND IT WANTS TO KILL YOU! My God! I’m thrilled writing these words!

I’ve noticed that he does spend much of his time going after the more “unclean” women. (Oh, I know all about that.) But, when he goes after the sweet young lady in the end he goes too far! He must be stopped.

Hal Holbrook and his son David, making an incredible debut, dance amongst the cast and themselves in a style I would describe as contrapuntal.

Rock music is an integral part. Its sepia-toned magic festers all.

Speaking of fester, let me mention evil. Because, this film ladles on a version of it that is just...wow! It’s almost too much! Wait a second...Sorry. I had to check to make sure I hadn’t said that about it earlier. Well, so what if I’ve used that phrase before? Folks, I like it!

Although, as I look back on what I wrote and think back on what I saw, I sense a new cinematic restructuring of definitions on the horizon. Here’s what I mean: In the past, the “unclean” men and women always die. To me it says, give it up when the time is right or not at all. The killers may be killers but they’re wonderfully moral which I love. In this, one interesting window is opened and the viewer is allowed to glance through...

Yes, the killer knocks off quite a few “unclean” women. But, the two women who do not get killed are, technically, “unclean.” First, there is the one blonde in bed with her basketball star boyfriend. Then, the other blonde who’s seen in bed with the first blonde’s basketball star boyfriend and whose stalking leads to the unmasking of the killer. By the rules, both should die. (&, let’s throw in Mr. Likes-The-Beds while we’re at it.) But, they don’t: all three live. They unmask the killer and (well, if you don’t want some of the ending ruined stop here, see the movie and get back to me)...

All right, everybody who doesn’t know the ending gone? Good.

Notice that the killer is unmasked, her twin brother is shown in the freezer and the film freeze frames and ends. Hmmm, interesting.

At first, the film seems to say “Hey, not all ‘unclean’ people have to die.” But, then, the movie ends right before the final attack from the killer. The normal procedure is to unmask at the beginning of or during the final chase. But, what about here? If the movie went on for 10 more minutes, would the trio die? Or only 1 or 2? (I would guess the 2nd blonde, if any.) But, it’s an interesting question: Should some of the “unclean” be allowed to live or not? The movie offers the question but does not begin to answer it. I think, we’ll have to wait for Tinsletown’s next missive to enlighten us. I’m unsure what to feel. Honestly, I am.

Week 6 - "How Gay Was My Valley"

Our setting this week is Lanier College in North Carolina. A rather lovely little place full of trees, buildings and roads. But, strangely enough, too few students and one big killer. Oh well. Live and learn. It’s all part of the wonder of life & magic of smells in Final Exam.

Courtney is a kind, young lady who wants to “get a good grade.” Hey, who can blame her? Everyone else, however, is not interested in "good grades". They are after one thing and one thing only… Oh no wait. I’m actually thinking of another film. Several of these people want to get good grades. Well, let’s go through a roster. Shall we?

Courtney - Nice gal. I believe she’s studying psychology. Ah, Jung! (A tip for all you budding young psychologists: Jung is not pronounced the way you think it is! Look it up!) She favors sweaters and jeans. Why shouldn’t she? It’s final exam week during winter. Isn’t it? She works hard but there seems to be some sort of sexual stereotype role blocking her way.

Lisa - The blonde roommate. She “has a free ride,” one of the other characters says. She certainly has a nice behind. Our Lisa’s a big city gal who likes the bright lights but is punishing herself by going to a small, quiet country college. She’s got a swell booty and she knows it and she knows where to wave it. (She’s passing Chemistry because she’s sleeping with the Professor.) I truly believe that some of the others are pointlessly jealous of her. She doesn’t really seem to have a “free ride.” She clearly is studying piano. There is a drawing of that one famous piano guy above her bed. He seems to be someone she’s trying to emulate as she is seen playing in the conservatory. I guess if you know science or are studying psychology, that’s work. But, if you’re doing something creative that’s a “free ride.”

Radish - The all-around science guy who wants to be on the SWAT team. (Man, he’s gonna have problems. That show got canceled years ago.) He has an all-around nerdiness that, I believe, is stopping him. He has a computer and a love of perusing the news media for atrocities. It’s never stated why he can’t be involved in some way with a SWAT team. He just can’t. So there. He seems to like Courtney and she seems to feel something for him but things go rather poorly. In the end.

It must be a small campus because everyone seems to be familiar with everyone else. Granted, it might be some sort of “Final Exam” camaraderie but the hands of fate that make the campus’ last pair of jocks familiar with everyone else seems a bit much. Oh well. The movies show me something again!

Brian - The well-coiffed fraternity boy with the brown car and the deep, sweet suave. He cheats on his chemistry final and gets a good grade. Brian believes he is God’s gift to all women and he very well might be. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t know what God’s gift to all women looked like so there you are. He picks on Radish, trees the young Gary, makes lots of noise with Wildman, hits on Lisa and is stabbed in the chest with a very long and sharp knife.

Bringing us to Wildman: He’s a little gross and there you have it. He drives around in a big van. He has very large hair and he likes to coerce. Wildman is at Lanier on an athletic scholarship so it’s not very nice for him to beat up on Radish as he’s probably helping pay for the jock’s housing. Not a smart man, he gets by on being rather loud and funny, if the constant laughs he gets from everyone are an indicator of anything. (Of course, it is Final Exam week and nerves tend to be a little high. But, please, think of the children!) Wildman eats shaving cream and doesn’t seem to have a lady friend. Unless, she’s gone for the semester.

Janet - The gal who feels like she would have been a homecoming representative in her high school for several years. (Maybe still is.) She likes boys and likes going out with them and falling in love with them. It all seems very innocent. Gary, her present love, seems to have different intentions but what’re you gonna do? They’re kids. She seems very superficially deep when it comes to love. Well, you gotta pass the time. Her “Pinning” becomes the event that leads to Gary’s getting treed. Then, killed. Then, Janet gets killed going to get Gary.

“Oh no, they treed Gary!” It was bound to happen. Gary is the type of guy who sneaks into the teacher’s offices to steal exam answers while wearing a shirt with “GARY” on the front of it in big, white letters. He is with Janet and they are in love. Although, Janet’s love is superficial and Gary seems to be willing to do whatever he can to get a little “sheet related action.” (Guys, it can be done. It takes time.) Gary’s character seems to be half man-half rat. I’m not sure what that means. But, he’s easily coerced, has ripped abs and he gets ice cubes poured down his pants.

Next.

Actually, those are the main characters in this stark white extravaganza. There are a few others: the Sheriff, Mitch the Caretaker, Coach, the Science Professor, the couple in the beginning and the Killer.

An interesting duck to be sure, this "Killer". (Although, I may be misappropriating my animals here.) He’s a tough guy with very obvious pre-cognitive abilities. He owns a nice green coat and sensible shoes and he has a van in which he stores his killing accoutrement. But, the most interesting thing about our killer is...Why is he killing?

Unfortunately, I don’t want to ruin that little bit of fun for you. You have to have some surprises. The guy next to me (1 row back, three seats over) was a little squeezed off because they don’t come right out and say why he’s killing. But, I think they do and they’re a little subtle about it. You have to pay attention a bit. I won’t tell.

The lesson is pretty self-explanatory.

Week 5 - Lessons For You

I’d like to start straightaway with the lesson of this film: Ladies, marry the first guy you get engaged to. Don’t change your mind. Don’t agree to marry someone else. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” sure. A man scorned, though, he’ll kill ya. It happens twice in this movie, ruins two perfectly happy days. So, ladies, focus on the first guy. The second guy’s not going to come after you because he never got the chance...It’s that first guy and the rejection that’ll do it to you every time.

Well, I’m almost tempted to stop it right here. These reviews all end in the lessons after the curlie-q’s of the stories and such. For once, wouldn’t simplicity rule? Wouldn’t that be grand? Wouldn’t that be something? But, that’s not what I get paid for.

If you just want the lesson, stop reading this and go to page 13 where Donson Mavin has written a very interesting article on the fruit flies expected this spring. There is, however, more to my review. Here it is:

The first of the killings occurs in a movie theater. The woman is a bride-to-be who gets stabbed in her seat right next to her friend. This puts in motion a police investigation. (Bravo Men in Blue!) During this in-depth look at the crime, a certain detective discovers the woman’s bridal status. Uh-oh! Ding ding!

This detective has a rock hard nose. Where exactly did he get such a solid proboscis? This same nut killed the lawman’s fiancée just a while ago. Really Cheesed our man off. Sadly, they never found the guy. (I wish I’d been a cop. I think I could have helped.) Now, he gets that second chance he’s always wanted.

I never thought I’d say this so, luckily, I’m not: The police don’t always have our best interests at heart. Hey, the movies said it! I’m just relating what I’ve seen and heard. In standard fashion, it sure is persuasive. The cop, by the end, (well, somewhere in the middle) knows who the killer is after and yet he plays it cool as several more people are killed.

Our heroine, Catlin, is just a sweetie pie little doll but the detective allows her and her friends to get stalked. Several of the stalked are killed including, but not limited to, the one who’s sleeping with her married college professor and the one who is much quieter. (Hey! She’s got no head now!) Although, I don’t know. If you’re killing prospective brides-to-be, why stalk their friends? What does that prove? Well, I guess this just goes to show why I’m not psychotic.

What about Catlin’s poor, poor tailor? A little old guy who is NOT a bride-to-be. Poor fellow. Killed because he was standing there. Oh well. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it really hurts.

The movie has a very strong message for the young ladies of Today’s America... the first paragraph, please. Let me close with a little more wisdom...

I’ve got an announcement which is important for every one: “Big, big headphones that play loud, loud music are not really that great because the killer can sneak up and kill you because you can’t hear him!” Come on, folks. Death may be your friend but it’s a friend you can put off for a long while. He doesn’t worry. He’ll get to ya.

Hey! Something just occurred to me...In the beginning, we see the flashback of the killer killing the cop’s bride-to-be, his almost wife (the killer’s). In the end, we see Catlin at her wedding to the guy who takes over from her fiancé during the movie...(Now, I’m lost.) The fiancé in the movie returns in the end to threaten his ex-bride-to-be (Catlin) who is marrying someone else. But, I just thought...She’s marrying the guy who she almost married in the first place. She left him and almost married the second guy. But, she goes back to the first guy. Then, the second guy returns to threaten her. Well, that sure screws the pooch on my lesson. How about this...

Ladies, keep an eye on jilted lovers during your wedding day. You don’t want to keep your back turned away from something like this.

Plus, better wedding security might be in order. The insane exes seem to have no trouble getting in the house and right to the bride. Let’s keep an eye out, huh? Constant vigilance can ward off unwanted visitors like people who want to kill you.

Hey! Folks! Don’t let that opening scene discourage you! The one in the theater. I think theaters are the safest places to be in times of crisis. I always feel warm and toasty in a theater, well fed and slothy. I think the people who made the movie were just trying to scare you.