And it ends...

We hope you enjoyed The Collected Movie Reviews of Cyril P. Drathmoor. Cyril Shall Return!!!!!!



-Dan Budnik

Drathmoor's Countryside Nostalgia Column

Where the down home is in your home & that smell is nothing but love

Well, the Christmas Season is wrapping up and the New Year is fast approaching. Of course, one of the strongest memories we all share of the New Year is when our parents would allow us to stay up to Midnight. I know a lot of kids who were allowed but never quite made it. I remember hearing all the stories from friends when I was younger & even now. These are such great stories. Beautiful epics of little kids trying to make it to 12 Midnight and welcome in the glory of the New Year! I, personally, was very surprised at all of this. Gazing back on my childhood memories, I see that my parents never let me stay up past 9 until I was 12, then 10 until I was 15, then 11 on weekends, then... well, I could go on like this for quite a while... But, wow, wasn't that great! All you folks getting to stay up so, so late when you were little. I'd ask you to write in with more of your stories but I've heard enough.

It's interesting, too. I've never actually stayed up until Midnight on New Year's Eve. I always fall asleep. (New Year's Day, I can stay up with no problem!) I've taped New Year's Eve and watched it in the morning. But, never seen it live... Probably pretty exciting, huh? Wow! Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding!

Ahhh... the New Year. Deep breaths.

So, as it's the (Almost) New Year, I thought I'd have a glance at all that has passed through my life in the previous year. Well, let's have it...

It was an interesting year. I didn't see my family much. They were out and about, doing what they do. My brother, especially, is a real country hopper, they say. Me? Apart, from a few weeks away, I was here in Turbot all year. It's a great town. My trailer overlooks several beautiful trailers, in their own way, in the center of the park so I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And, love!... Well, love... What can you say? What can I say? I didn't get much this year. Hey, it happens! We all go through bad years. Some of us more than others. I'd say that I'm without love pretty average for my height. It doesn't get lonely, though. I have a collection of old underpants that I talk to. I'm kidding, of course. No, I have a hamster named Theremin who loves me dearly as long as I feed him. My trailer has never smelt better. It's all about disinfectants here, folks. All about making things smell better than you do after being in your own mess for about 7 or 8 days. Life is sweet, life is grand, life is a glorious escapade. That's what people say. But, once again, I'm in the staying up late on New Year's Eve spot.

But, life goes on. People have bad years. Well, maybe not rich or successful people. (Of course, they're unhappy. Just in different ways not involving poverty, need or disappointments.) And, maybe not people with really great families. (Of course, even really great families have troubles, too. Hell, I don't know where mine is!) But, there are people who have bad years and then good years. Although using the year as your template may not be terrifically accurate, it does work well.

So, I've had a not-so-great year. It had its moments, though. I can't say it didn't. I won't bore you with them here but they happened. So...

There you have it. New Year's, what a time. Join me in my column next year as we stroll through nostalgia's highways & byways to find signs of life or places we can hide.

Won't you journey with me?

A Safe Christmas

Everybody enjoys Christmas. It's the one time of the year when you can really be yourself (or somebody else). You can really just have a great, great time. Wow! This is a time for everyone, stinky and non-stinky alike.

Certain features of the holiday, however, can be quite lovely but dangerous. Let me give you a list.

- The time to buy gifts is before December 24. Do NOT rush on the 24th willy-nilly trying to buy. Especially if you're drunk.

- A tree is a great addition to any house but do not light real candles on it. They can flame up & kill everyone. Death is a tough sin to wash off the hands.

- Enjoy egg nog in limited quantities. That's a lot of egg, that's a lot of nog. And, you'll throw up all over yourself if you have too much.

- Light are nice. They blink, they don't, they're very festive. But, do not wrap them around a cat. Cats are unpredictable creatures with a penchant for running away. Lights are electrical objects with a penchant for electrocuting living beings.

- Presents are wonderful. But, don't give goofy. Nothing ruins a holiday more than getting a gift that clearly was not thought out beforehand. Consider who you're buying for before you buy.

- Fruitcake is a caring & traditional gift but no one eats it.

- If you've eaten too much at dinner, take five.. and then eat some more.

- Do not drink the tree water.

And last but not least...

- Santa's bo-bo's are for thankin', not yankin'.

Have a HAPPY HOLIDAY!

Night of Horror

One hell of a flick this Night of Horror. I don't think I've ever seen a film deal so well with the presence of ghosts in our life. I'll be honest, I think Horror is a bit of a strong term. This is not a horrific movie, more of a soporific that really treats well of certain elements of Horror and the Rialto is the place where it is. What a movie it is! There's not death & killing and, well, that should hold them for a while. I've got to Evil! work covertly here under cover of Blood!

Night of Horror really does in so many ways just exemplify i'm working at getting out of this. I didn't see Night of Horror. I'm through with these ASTOUNDING! movies. It's the holiday! Come on! I can't review these things anymore. I want to look at the slaughter! do something else. (Check my Safe Xmas MURDER! Tips column this week Of Death!) I really am trying to get another full-time column Oh Boy! Glorious Hollywood! But, I haven't been able to convince them. Almost there! I think I'm almost there. Very close. What a horror film!

It isn't easy to dislike a film this wonderful but there are one or two things someone else will come along and review. I'll do something else. It'll be great! Honest. Great! But, hold on, maybe next week we'll get lucky for the holidays. Horror! I don't know.

Hold on everyone! Next week! Who knows what we'll see?

A Note From Our Editor

Hello everyone.

Christmas approaches. Thank you everyone for reading & enjoying Cyril all year.

For the 22nd of December, there will be two entries:

1: Cyril's regular review.

2: A Special "Have a Safe Christmas" column written by Cyril.


Please enjoy. And Merry Christmas To All!!!

Silent Night, Deadly Night?

If Santa kills your Mom and Dad on the way home from visiting Grampa in the Old Loon's Home, get a good therapist. No, get a great therapist. Having a nun yell at you & punish you all the time for being wicked & sinful doesn't help anyone. The Mother Superior in this film is the character I would have thought "Most Likely To Get Killed" (she's rather deserving) but she survives. I don't mean to sound crass but where's that comeuppance I've come to expect?

There ain't enough good Santas in the world to exorcise this one real stinker. The poor boy in this, Billy(?), is just wrecked. After the extended opening, we get an extended post-opening involving him as a youngster, traumatized by Christmas! Then, we get him grown-up and he is not well. In fact, he's nuts. So, he starts hurting people in a very serious fashion with assorted things that really hurt.

The man is crazy, the man kills. What're you gonna do? A lot of people kill or at least that's the opinion I'm forming. There's always a reason and a lot of the time I wish it'd stop.

It's not very festive, this movie.

As far as extremely pleasant notions of fruitcake and things... right out!

Ya know, I've never owned one of those little village things. You know, the fake snow all around and little green trees and fake homes and/ or business establishments named after characters from Dickens and you stack them all around so it looks like some sort of festive place you've never been. I always wanted to know what's going on in the houses. They always have second floors and I always want to see (or be) in there. I don't know why. Oh, whenever they have sled or ski runs with multiple levels, I always what to go down them. There was one called "Log Cabin" that was meant to be someone's home. (I stayed at a log cabin once for three weeks. I'm sure it was very interesting.) I like the "Log Cabin" because there's a little lake out front with a tiny boat in it. But, the scale of the boat is wrong. It's about 1/4 the size of the lake, which would make it ridiculous to have. Several good rows and you'd be on the other side. In fact, the size of the fake man who owns the property is such that he could probably leap across it or at least bounce once in the middle and go from there. I love these things.

A memory that is leaving me... Being in a knicknackeria in a cold town. A wall cabinet nook... three stories of these things. It's laid down with white cloth and flows from the first level to the very top. Shops on the bottom leading to the banquet halls and festive homes in the middle flowing to the ski lofts, sled runs & frozen ponds for skating up top. It's breathtaking. A miniature breathtaking. I stare at it for a very long time. it's glorious, I'd love to be there. But, I never will. This I know & understand.

But, that doesn't mean I don't want it very, very bad.

Well, Silent Night, Deadly Night? Santa kills some folks at Christmas. As far as these go, it's all right. Merry...

Arthur, Bertrand & Constance

Hello, everyone! This is a Cyril Approved Post. "Dan" of Bleeding Skull has placed a novel up on Amazon. Please click on the link below and download yourself a copy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to read it again. Trust me here. Thank you. Happy Holidays.

Arthur, Bertrand & Constance

I'll Have a Good Night

It's time for good things. It's time for the holidays. It's time for the Rialto's latest adventure To All A Good Night. Sit right back & let me place you in some context for all of this.

Christmas. A time of joy, a time of cheer, a time of wonder? Certainly. But, and this is a little known fact that this movie has brought to life, also a time for psychopathic killers, many of them dressed as Santa.

To me, this seems the Least Fair Time of year to pull something like this, especially at the Calvin Finishing School For Girls. A pleasantly set-apart place that seems nice enough. Sweet girls (pretty too) enjoying an active lifestyle. Robust boyfriends come to visit in their private plane. (Say, who brought the swank?) Every soul is enjoying the party when the aforementioned killer dressed as Santa Claus arrives & starts killing them.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well...

So, you want to have fun on the holidays? Sure, we all do. But, you don't want to get killed? Well...ain't gonna happen.

Here's your death.

I don't mean to sound crass because I don't feel crass. When it comes to the holidays (especially Christmas), no other time of year excites my sensory perceptions more. I mean, my gosh, go to a good candle store and buy a dozen or more X-mas related candles. Get specific ones like Cinnamon or Egg Nog or some of the more "conceptual" candles like Christmas Morning & Holly Wreath. The memories those smells will bring to you can be pretty astounding. Some are specific (many of the fir related ones) but some are... they do a strange thing. There is one called Christmas Eve and when I smell it, it's odd... What does Christmas Eve smell like? This candle's odor conjures up memories beyond sensory. I think it's something to do with the name, honestly, maybe. The smell of the candle coupled with the name stir & draw up the memories of that time. (This is true because my memory is always vague before the name is known. A candle's fragrance can be enjoyed outright but due to, I guess, the limited amount of smells you can jam in candles, it works best when you also know the name. Your nose smells something but a push doesn't hurt.) It's strange. To smell each candle as it burns... Christmas. The day is not just one word, it is 100 different things vying for your mind's attention.

I don't bring the magic with me; it's already here when I show up.

Where was I?

Christmas and why it hurts.

I almost want to give away the ending so you'll have a happier Xmas. But, I can't. You really should get out there on your own.

Please.

I will add this... buy cinnamon sticks. Warm up your eggnog. Remove it from the stove right before boiling. Stir the Cinnamon stick around a bit. Be good, you snickerdoodle! Take the stick out & drink. Drink hearty. Life doesn't begin when you're dead. It starts when you're very much alive.

So, To All A Good Night. That was not a sentence, I know. But, it sums everything up in one big gulp. David Hess has never directed another film with such power. We shall forever miss the second chance he might have had. Jennifer Runyon takes my breath away. Maybe you're a jerk. Times during the movie when I was worried for Christmas Future. (Surely, we could hide in Christmas Past if need be.) But, here...

Christmas is OK!

It has some troubles but if gets there fine.

It does.

I love U all.

Friday the 13th 3-D -- Now with Crap In My Face!

I'm glad I'm back from vacation in time for 2 things:

1) Holidays! Man, I love the holidays! (The editors will be posting my tips for "A Safe Xmas" in an upcoming edition.) &

2) Crap in my face!

Have you been to the Rialto? D'you know what I'm talking about? D'you not know what I'm talking about? Have you been to the Rialto? What do you do with your time? Self flagellation is counterproductive for everyone. I guess I'll fill you in.

D'you know what my favorite day of the year is after Xmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Halloween, New Year's, May 12 and Arbor Day? You guessed it! October 8! After that? Yep! Friday the 13th. That is why the Rialto's so important this week. Because it's showing Friday the 13th 3-D! (Although, the opening isn't in 3-D. So, you don't need glasses on there.) Let me spray you with some lowdown.

There's a guy at a camp, who may or may not be named Jason, that has killed a whole slew of people. One of those great legends about a creepy guy killing the kids off in the woods. We even see The Legend Re-Capped. That's the 2-D part. It's something to do with his mother's head surrounded by candles. A young blond lady gives him the runaround. When we go to 3-D, he's still loose and the cops are after him. Good For Him! I think it's a swell place to start a movie. In excelsis res is what we call it. When the action begins, we start cooking along with another batch of kids who like pot and sex. They go to a house near a lake where Jason kills them.

Oh, but first, Jason (easier to call him that) kills a kind of gross couple at a little produce store along the rural route. And, although they're not campers, I think I know why he killed them. Because they kept waving crap in my face. Not real crap but everything that is waveable. Laundry, sticks, sharp things, rabbits & everything. Thank God he killed them!

Hey, what's this 3-D about! Is it those glasses? Is it the crap in my face? I guess so. If so, Bravo and Brava! I've never had a spear fly at me & I've never had an eyeball pop out my way! Cinema lets off a fine smell! This is the freshest of them all!

Uhhh...So, here we go. There are a few cute couples with boobs & butts. There's a fat guy who nobody really seems to like but he has a hockey mask. And, there are three bikers, big bikers, who like to send a little trouble towards our group.

Well, one of the gals had run into this Jason fellow before. And, they will have a big Crap-In-My-Face run-in again before all this is through. Her friends are not so lucky. They're killed (as are those big bikers) and sliced and have bits of themselves thrown at us. Jason decides to start wearing the fat guy's hockey mask. Although, I thought the killer here was supposed to be Jason's brother because the 3-D killer is ten times bigger than the 2-D one but there you have it.

Oh boy! Watch out for the stuff flying at you. None of it hits you for real but it sure comes damn close. I really like the eyeball. An eyeball's a glorious thing. Ahhh, Hollywood. Sure makes you smile. The story of Jason, his mother, that one girl and a few kids & such who get killed. This is one to remember! Why? Because Hollywood throws crap at you! This is pretty wild stuff! I'm glad I'm back! What a jerk I would have been if I'd missed this!

The best part of all of this? I have yet to remove the glasses. Now, thanks to Hollywood, every moment of my day is in 3-D! I never thought life could be so alive! If you're in the neighborhood, stop by the offices. And, if I'm wearing my glasses, throw some crap in my face!

I'm back! It's nice! My space is soothed.

Happy Thanksgiving From Your Favorite Editors!

[No column this week. Just this blurb and reprint]

From The Editors

Drathmoor is on "Vacation" this week. So, we've put together...

Our Favorite Drathmoor-isms!


"Hollywood is so great it makes me feel good!"

"There's nothing like killing people when they're not dead!"

"A monster, sure, but a fantastic monster with fantastic slacks!"

"Hey! It's like the man said: It's not so scary being a fairy!"

"Melvin went in first but his arms came out last, if you know what I mean."

"Why can't things work in the victim's favor for once?"

"It'll be a soft night on my rump before that happens!"

"Velveteen is too vague a word to describe my pants after this film."

"Well, well four guys named Thermin and their mama, Cozy Wanda!"

"Too much, too soon, I fudged 'em!"


Of course, this is just a smatter. When Drathmoor returns from his "Vacation", we'll get a lot more. You can count on that!

This week at the Rialto: Splatter University . A young woman begins teaching at a prestigious Catholic school. Contemporaneously, a mysterious figure begins killing the students. Is it her? Or is it the crazy old priest in the wheelchair? Come to the Rialto this week and find out in this state-of-the-art, high impact thriller.

My Holiday Season Has Begun

The Holidays are here! And, I have shined my shoes and spread the grease on my spats! My favorite time of the year is here! And, contrary to my popular opinion, Hollywood have obliged.

Pre-Review: This is not the sequel to anything. Before my holiday commences, I'm glad we are now back to the world of proper film.

Actual Review: Oh, I know this week it's Home Sweet Home, a festive slash-em-up that takes place all over Thanksgiving. I know it's about a big, muscular guy with an overactive laugh slasherizing people! But, running over little old ladies crossing the street is just not something you want to do. For Real.

Have you ever seen festivities like this? No, you haven't.

They have turkey, wine, cranberry sauce, greens, mashed potatoes and a mime. Everything, just everything. Very festive. Until everyone starts to die. At this point, everything goes really bad, pretty swiftly. What can you do?

I enjoy turkey. I enjoy quality time with myself and others to make clear what I'm thankful for. I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone killing me. Although, getting rid of the mime wouldn't be so bad. Ya know, maybe it should be a general rule: Don't hurt people on major holidays, except Halloween & Arbor Day. I mean, you think that would just be something you'd know from birth. Apparently not.

Hey, the kind of loud & unpleasant grossm'n who's married to the lady whose house we're at... Take all that in & I'll start over again. I want to say that the world in this film is a wonderful place. How do I know? Because the man who owns the house is clearly a pudgerific, hairy nooner yet he has such a lovely well-chested wife. God bless! When a movie can teach you something like that, it's not all bad. (I think my Holiday Love might be increasing my Movie Love.)

Unless I'm leaping about here, the lesson of these holiday killers is to make us not want to kill people at the holidays. I certainly don't want to. I would bet you cash that everyone I saw this with hasn't gone out and killed anyone during the holidays. Home Sweet Home is a very facetious reading, let me speak it.

The thing about the killer is that he is big, he is mean and he'll tear you up. He is nuts. Ya know, insane killers rarely escape from places on August 9th or April 27th. It's always around a holiday or a big event. I think they really need to beef things up, security wise, in every asylum around the country during this time of year. A Public Service message from Hollywood that's been given early enough so you can keep an eye out all month. How 'bout that one?

They know how to make 'em... And that is great!

Home Sweet Home! I... Sure... Happy Thanksgiving...

[The review ends there.]

Oh no...

What the hell happened here?

Ya know, I thought, well, this one looks like a movie, at least. (After that "certain movie" of last week, I was very wary.) Cheap, sure. But, hey, Revenge! There's something to shoot for. Conjures up interesting images. Here we go.

Boy, this opening scene sure looks familiar. Say, that doctor who's examining the body that fell from the fire escape looks familiar. His voice reminds me of... Then, the reporter comes up & talks about the sheriff's dead daughter, how she killed her boyfriend, ritualistic killings at the college sorority... Uh-oh. And then, the gold medallion comes out. Oh no! This movie is the sequel to Blood Cult! What the hell happened?

So, I took some breaths & tried to swim in & enjoy it. It looks better than Blood Cult. John Carradine is in it for about 8 minutes. I think some guy related to John Wayne is in it... or someone. There are other human people in it. Quite a few from Blood Cult. They still stink, though. (Was this made immediately after Blood Cult? Why?)

I suffered through the 100-odd minutes of this with deep, deep pains in my stomach. It answered all the questions I had about the first one. But, it answered them all almost exactly as I thought it would. I'm looking at last week's review and trying to answer quite a few of the questions. Revamping the first paragraph's questions: Yes, yes, no. The point of the boyfriend is just to be killed because that way his brother can show up and do whatever it is he does. A waitress, who is clearly part of the cult, put the drug in the Sheriff's drink. The Sheriff took a long time calculating everything because that's what was needed to fill up the running time. It happens in this one, too. The brother and the lady on the farm spend an inordinate amount of time wading through plot waters that seem unnecessary after the first film. Why? Because we have to sustain the running time! Isn't the best way to do that with redundant investigation? The campus isn't closed because the dean is part of the conspiracy. The coeds stay on the campus apparently because they have no brains. Although, in this one, most of the killing happens off campus grounds. Those were all the questions I saw that needed answering.

Here are a few more: What exactly is going on with the dog-faced sister in the final scene? Who is on the motorcycle? Is every member of the town in the cult except the lady on the farm? Can you have a viable secret cult in a small town where the entire population are members of it except for an old woman who could give a crap? Hell, if no one ever saw this movie, would it still be made? If we all went out of our way to not watch this movie, would it become unmade? Would the scenes come apart, the words make no sense, the music separate into notes and the pictures fade until the film was blank again? I don't know. But, it sure as hell is worth a try. I don't know why we're all sitting around. Simple and basic ignoring tactics might get this film off our hands.

Let's try it. 1... 2... 3... ignore...

Someone Tell Me What I'm looking at here...

So, here we are.

There's "someone" killing coeds at an Oklahoma University. They are removing parts of the body in a rather sloppy fashion. The sheriff discovers, with the help of his interesting-looking daughter, that this all may relate to the Cult of Caninus. Small amulets with dog's heads engraved on them are tipping our heroes off. A farm couple complain of noises and lights on their land. Could it be the cultists? Could some of the town's most prominent citizens be involved? Could the sheriff's daughter be next?

The answers are probably, I think so and no. (To me, it was pretty obvious that this was being done by a cult made up of prominent citizens (doctor, dean, etc.) but we only see the cult in a hallucination the sheriff has. So, it may just be a rogue killer.)

Well, now that I've answered those questions and given you the rundown, you don't need to see the movie. Trust me. 85 minutes could be better spent elsewhere. I can tell you the ending if you write to me c/o the Paper. Please, I beseech you.

Let's just start here: I wanted to love Blood Cult. Popcorn, chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a hefty Diet Cola. Ready to love... and then the movie started... It looks like something my Uncle J.P. would've shot with the family video camera. I don't even think this is supposed to be showing at the Rialto. This looks like a home video with credits and gore! Looks bad, sounds bad. Thank God I brought my hat with me so I had something to throw up in.

OK. Some of these films look bad, really bad. But, it is really a film when my Gramma (or even Gennifer's LaLa Manana) could have shot it and she's 93-years-old?! (Her visionary days are long behind her.) Come on! I think this is a rip off! I'm sorry. I should try and stay somewhat cool. But, come on.

New paragraph. Boy, that daughter sure is odd looking, isn't she? And, her boyfriend is really... what's his point? He does nothing but take up space. Why introduce him at all except to kill him? (Well, I suppose that's as valid a reason as any but it spreads my cheese.) Oh, that sheriff is bad enough but these two clowns! Oy!

It's strange. I just watched the movie and most of it has already left my mind. Killing on a farm, the sheriff, the couple, the dean, the doctor, the hallucination. Who puts the drug in the sheriff's drink? (I can see it's a waitress. Who is she? Part of the Caninus cult? Or... do I care?) The Sheriff takes an incredibly long period of time going over the exact same series of facts. Why? And, why in the name of Jesus, don't they get the coeds (that means the "women", right?) off the campus? Oh Lord. Why, if you were a coed, would you stay on the campus? Unless, of course, this all has something to do with the Cult of Caninus. Then... all bets are off...

Sigh.

I don't know, folks. I don't see it. I don't see the point. I just see 85 minutes of my life gone. POOF! vanished... I can't believe they show movies like this. I can't believe they pay me to watch movies like this. Oh my... OK.

Deep breath. here we are now.

Movies! What are they up to now? Can I get a round of applause for movies?

Lesson #395: Don't Hurt People

Well, I've never been part of a sorority and I've got a good reason why: who can afford to go to a good college? But, that's water under my bridge. Have you ever woken up at 6AM, strolled out onto the streets and got yourself a steaming hot cup of Joe and a kosher hot dog smothered in relish? That's what The House on Sorority Row is like.

Let me lead you through it... Here we are with these gals and they're privileged and they're well off and they're having a good time. But, college is over. It's all wrapped up. They have one last party to throw. But...

20 years ago...

Something happened with the house mother. Something happened to her baby and someone took her voice. Well, her baby's outcome is the subject of a lot of the film and her voice is replaced (gloriously) by the voice of Someone Else.

Now...back to the movie's present...

This house mother always closes down her house after the school's closing ceremonies. The girls want to keep it open. In fact, they're within their rights to stay. And, they do. And, they get in fights with the old woman. So, she slashes a poor rich girl's water bed and generally gets in their way.

The girls decide to play a little trick on her. So, they kill her and sink her body in the filthy, filthy pool out back. Now, finally, we can party.

But, quicker than you can release one into the frigid night air, the body of the old woman seems to be alternately 1) dead and showing up everywhere or 2) not dead and killing them. Well, there you go. Some of the girls start to get killed, others try to hide the body. The house mother (maybe) has a cane. She may (or may not) be killing some gals, lethally.

People party, there's a large strange doctor, psychedelic freak-outs, jilted want-to-be-lovers and all sorts of stuff. This one piles on the movement and loads on the thrills with, yes, a touch of wisdom to boot.

There's nothing like a whole bunch of your sorority sisters being killed to put you in the proper frame of mind: Don't hurt other people. Really what I'm saying is... Don't shoot them. If you happen to shoot someone, do not follow this up by hiding the body in an old pool. That doesn't help anybody and, half the time, they just come right back to life.

If you're lucky enough to get into one of these colleges, well, good for you, I say! The world and its sun shine and revolve around you forever & always! Just don't get involved in the stuff these girls do. People die here, folks! If you pay attention, you'll see that, a lot of times, people die because someone kills them! Don't be that someone. Thanks.

Better Than Carnage

When a group of ex-friends are gathered together at their old summer camp by strange invitations after they haven't seen each other for 10 years, some oddball things begin happening. They're locked onto the grounds, their abilities to leap a fence are taken from them, a strange figure lurks around and they start getting killed. The element that links them all together is the brother of one of the woman there. He was slightly mentally disabled (which means he looked about 25 when he was supposed to be 15, had a pasty face and talked really slow) and he was picked on. Well, there was an accident at camp and he was killed. Or was he? (It's tough to say really because during large portions of this film I couldn't see a thing.) Regardless, someone is killing them. Is it the brother? (Please reference my last parenthesized sentence.) All of this killing ties in neatly with words spoken and images gleaned in the pre-credit and credit sequence. (Or I think it does because I can't quite see all of it.) All in all, a (fairly) satisfying journey through (if interpreted lightly what could be called) terror.

Well, that was the most excruciating paragraph I've ever written. Trying to pretend that this stinkbug was in any way worth watching has exhausted me. I have no more love to give. What can you say about a movie where the only positive thing I could think of was "Well..it's better than Carnage and more fun than tumbling into a landfill head first with your mouth open." The film's too dark, the story is nothing new and the actors all look suited for more pornographic pursuits that anything else. This is bad. Even the summer camp feels wrong.

Now, I never went to one of those "several week long" summer camps at places with Indian names. My visits were limited to "day camps" that were over supervised and under fun. Softball, boondoggle and playing on the school playground, which, I guess, was OK but boondoggle was the only thing we didn't do during the regular school year and, unless you were a boondoggle junkie, one trip to Boondoggleville was enough. I do remember James Felowski pushing me through a window. Or pushing someone through a window. Why'd he do that? Now, there's a question worth finding an answer to. Nothing in Twisted Nightmare compares. Sadly.

If this is meant to be an entertainment, who is entertained? I was bored and/ or stupefied. But, I guess...in the end...I wanted to go to a Sleepaway Camp because I wanted to get laid. It seems like it would have been so much fun. Ah well...

I guess you should see Twisted Nightmare. It's the only film in town.

Note: The editors have "told" me that I must "pick up the pace" for my next couple of reviews. They didn't mind my musings when they were on the films or Film. "Apparently", they don't like where my reviews are going. "Not very nice, bad for business", all that. So, for the "next couple of reviews", I'm going to try to review the films and "be good". "We'll...see you there."

In Time For Halloween...

A haunted house movie? We don't get many of those by here. Let's enjoy it while we have it. I went to Maurice, manager of the Rialto, and thanked him for the change of pace. He just laughed and laughed. I used to think he was a joyous man but since I came back I'm not so sure. Joviality is pungent.

Carnage is the film this week. It's about a couple moving into their dream house. But, it's haunted and everybody dies.

But, that's only part of the story.

No. Actually, that's all of the story.

It's only part of what happens.

This strange, strange place. I thought they were living in a house of the damned and they were already dead. They move so languid, so lifeless. They coast through the movie without getting a single emotion to register in me. How did they do this? How did they put me into such a strange, strange mind frame? It filled up my head and jammed itself in there. I didn't know. I just didn't know.

Then, I realized what it was. The force that was doing this to me... Terrible, terrible acting. These people were absolutely no good at what they were doing. You wouldn't allow someone to fix your plumbing who wasn't a plumber. Why would you allow people in your film who clearly can't act? I mean, Good Gravy, two words from these people and you want to die. What kind of a way is this to run a movie?! Not a good one is my response.

And, the look of the film. Well, I don't want to anger anybody but I think it's just poorly made. Looks like crap, sounds like crap, hey, how about this... it is crap! I could be too harsh but I doubt it. Maybe this is why I don't watch haunted house movies more often.

And, those killings! The spirit who pulls out the intestines...  please tell me it's deliberately using a string or wire to yank them out. If I wasn't supposed to see that wire, why was it so obvious? Every facet of the film is like this. What the hell happened to Hollywood? I mean, are they really truly making junk like this?

I'd love to elaborate on something in this movie but all they do is talk and talk and talk and talk and... Jesus Saves! Stop talking! (Another thing: Carnage in what fashion? This is unlike any carnage that I've ever seen. It's extremely dull. Surely carnage must involve something interesting happening at some point. Why not write to me with what you think carnage is and if it involves this movie in any fashion.)

So, in conclusion, forget it.

I Know A Mean Man

Boy, there's a real mean guy in this week's movie Blood Rage.

When these twins were young, they saw a couple fooling around. So, one of them killed the guy with an ax and blamed his brother. Now, 10-ish years later, the brother who didn't hurt anyone escapes from the Goofy Hut and he's going home.


Mom lives in some kid of forest community of houses. It's Thanksgiving time but no one's doing real well. Mom loves drinking, the actual psychotic brother starts killing and everything really sucks around here. Women with big hair are no match for the killer brother and his knives.

Cyril, what about that brother? Ha! What a piece of work! Shifty, conniving, cunning, suave, popular, utterly psychotic. I mean, that sounds like that might be half the people I know but it's the brother. Every step of the way, he manipulates his slower brother into various spots that aren't good for anyone but him (the nutty one).

This is normal brother behavior, as far as I know. Your sibling is there solely to help with clean up of your mess (including blame placing). Your sibling is a bit of a dolt who doesn't deserve to carry on if he gets in your way. That's why you have a brother. Just for this purpose. I wish you could still ask my brother. He'd tell ya it's true.

Maybe I was right. These movies do teach a lot. Therapy in other people's pictures.

I'm sorry. I've forgotten a more exact plot: Twin brothers. Drive-in. Mom. One brother kills screwing around couple. Blames the other. That brother put away. 10 years later, Thanksgiving. Good brother escapes. Bad brother starts killing. People are really hurt. Mom gets really drunk. They finally have a big family meeting. That's it.

Death feasts on this film quite literally. And, all the big hair in the world won't stop a psychotic man with access to the cutlery drawer. Some intelligence is what we need here, people. The real mean guy is pretty obvious. Keep an eye out. We don't need to call in Sherlock Holmes for assistance. I know I have a brain under my scalp. You?

Until next week, enjoy Blood Rage at the Rialto. I know I watched it.

Sleepaway Chumps

I hope you enjoyed what I did with the title of the movie there.

Well, this is certainly a movie. Maybe not the movie to end all movies but definitely a movie. Let's stand in line, may we? They've got another one for us and it's this one!

The movie starts off with scenes of a summer camp, now closed down. We hear the sounds of kids playing but we see the place in shambles. This is Camp Arawak, closed for forever because something mysterious has killed everyone. Actually, it's only mysterious until the end of the movie, then you find out. But, the end's 85 minutes away and I'm here now.

Anyway, then we see a boat accident with a man and his two kids. One kid is killed and the man is killed in an also way. We then see the girl who survived. She's being raised, with her cousin, in her extremely stylized aunt's very stylized house. Then, the kids go to camp.

This is a camp that, from moment one, is completely fun & gay. The kids frolic around, the counselors frolic as well. The girl, whose dad and brother died, doesn't say a word. The cousin places fresh moves on assorted young ladies. A thin boy puts his movies on the quiet girl. There's a skinny dip with a whole lot of men. There's a counselor who (I forget his name) enjoys wearing the smaller and tighter things in shorts. So, everyone runs around and finds themselves and each other doing stuff people do at camp. And, the next thing I know (and they know) people start being extremely hurt or definitively killed.

The first person down is a burlym'n of dependent means who likes "baldies" (?, Savalas?) and who is the head chef. When he tries to help Angela (the quiet girl) get some food in the storage closet by taking off his pants, someone pours a huge pot of boiling water on him.

One of the boys is a jerk in a canoe with a girl at night and he is drowned. Another guy is stung by bees, a girl is stabbed in the shower, some little kids are axed up, a guy is decapitated, one girl is "curled" and other people die, too.

Oh for fun!

This is all presented in a very entertaining and light-on-its-feet fashion that keeps you coming back for more. At least until the movie ends.

The whole time there are all sorts of characters running about just trying to have fun until they die. There's the hot girl, the mean girl, the nerdy guy, the confused owner of the camp, the nice camp lady, the hateful girl and guy, Schlitz Mackilio and Wallace MacThumb. These people are such a rich, white tapestry that you'd think another film would be unnecessary. But, I see the moment that will carry on..
.
There is a strange feeling amongst the men in this movie. I don't know how to describe it but it sort of fingers around my brain and doesn't leave me much to say. We'll be enlightened. Also, I don't understand the aunt's house. It's not a house. Black walls and, in one scene, the two kids are in a bed and you can see their breath. I don't mean some sort of animatronic movie magic. I mean visible clouds of breath. Are they outside? Why? How? I thought I was the only kid growing up who had no heat in his bedroom and could see his breath in bed throughout the winter. (Don't worry, reader. I had a quilt.) Lastly, all the kids in this movie are kids. I don't know if this is a step forward or one back. (Was the old style where all the kids were in their 20's or 30's saying something important?) I'm a little confused by all this but I don't lie awake at night thinking about it. Very much. Let's hope someone can clear this up soon.

So, what have we got? More than we can handle I would think. Deep breaths. Sleepaway Camp is all that (All That You Know) and beyond. We'll get there in the end. We'll all get there. So, be careful. It's getting rocky and we don't turn back from here.

Could we get a little more accurate on the House in question, please?

I Love movies.

I love people who love movies.

Therefore, I Love You.

Would you let me stay at your place for a while?

This is all kidding around.

But, it wouldn't be if I lived at the House of Death. A place where people die.

Yes, you heard it here first. People die at the House of Death.

And, they all like sex. Although, none of them actually have sex in the House of Death. In fact, after watching the movie twice (fell asleep in the theater), I'm not 100% sure where exactly the House of Death was in the film.

The cast arrives at an old house in a graveyard during a rainstorm. While there, a 34-year-old college student named Diddle goes to use the old outhouse. Whilst in the old outhouse, he is completely slaughtered. Hung like a stuck pig who was going #2 during it all.

Then, his friends find him and some more folks are killed and it all ends in the House of Death.

Well, I suppose it must be the House of Death. It is in a cemetery and people die there. But, it only appears in the last 10-15 minutes of the film.

Then, of course, it could be the house of the buxom blond who doesn't seem to bother with sex but turns out to be buxom in the end...Her Grammy lives in the house with her. No one dies there but...well, who's to say it's not the House of Death?

But, there's the house of the young woman who plays baseball with the young man. But, we never go in there.

But, there is the Bottomley household, home to Agnes & Casey. She's pleasingly plump, he's mentally slow from an accident, I think. The movie is mysterious on that point.

Or it could be the briefly visited home of the Coach.

In fact, that's probably it.

OK. Well, that's the House of Death.

Thanks for reading this week. I'll be back next week with more words for you to read.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following was a lesson for everyone:

The coach's house was not the House of Death.

The movie states, and I believe this is true, that any house could be the House of Death. So, be careful. Don't die. Thanks for reading.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What? You want more? Kids, go see the movie, Will you, please?

Suzy & Lanky Madge & a Lake Called Tenkiller

Hey, here's something to get you through your day: You don't have to be smart to have a nice life! Hollywood knows this. They've told me and I'm telling you. Don't worry! I've seen Terror At Tenkiller.

There's a whole bunch of people in this movie. Some are rich, some poor, some attractive, some not, some nice, some not. But, they all lead pretty happy lives. Even the killer doesn't do so bad for himself. Our leading lady, for example, is a perfect illustration.

She's sweet, she's blond. She is, at some points in the film, thin and, at others, chunky. Her performance is a notch above bubble-headed. She has an abusive boyfriend that she likes to stay with and, overall, she's as mediocre a character as I've ever seen. But, disregarding the man troubles and the killer, she's having a fine time. No grief. She goes to the gym, she parties with her friend, she has a nice time! The guys like her. She's pretty and sweet but in every other way wholly unremarkable.

I think Hollywood is saying this: Don't knock Pretty & Dumb. They go a long way. Certainly further than ugly and smart ever got you. Keep that in mind. It sure helped me.

That's that.

Here's the movie...

Tenkiller is a lake. The terror at it occurs when this guy starts killing people there.

Suzy (the blond (although that may not be her name)) has had a big argument with her snobby, possessive boyfriend who may (or may not) be named Chevy. Her best friend, Lanky Madge, says Suzy should forget him and go to the lake with her for the summer. Suzy takes some convincing but, eventually, it's off to Tenkiller! For the summer!

The girls start working at a local diner, which is lucky for them since it looks like all the other jobs here involve being a crusty old guy working on the lake. Suzy meets a very nice man named Dave. They go out and it's really sweet. But, Dave gets angry sometimes and kills people!

Mixed into this, her ex- is trying to find her. Plus, there is talk of a female Indian spirit that lives in the lake and drags evil men to their doom. Her legend shrouds the lake in an all-pervading cloud of mystery and despair. Her spirit is hungry and waiting...patiently. But, enough about that.

After a while, Dave kills Suzy's friend. Soon after that, everything converges when Dave goes after Suzy and Chevy reappears. But, Chevy gets killed fairly quickly and Suzy and Dave tussle on the water in the middle of the lake. Dave is dragged under the water and Suzy makes it to shore, battered, bruised but safe and dumb. After she stumbles away, however, Dave leaps out of the water and freezes in mid-air. How? Maybe he was the Indian Spirit all along... But, that seems unlikely.

People Helping People Die

At firs I thought "What a gay time this is!" with all the scares & the death & the learning something about ourselves going on. But now, I just don't know. I know killers can cut your throat but those editors! My gosh, they hire me, they fire me, I'm considering a job with Elise in Accounts Payable at the Prepared Beef Plant, they re-hire me. I've almost no love left to give.

The Without A Conscience phase (farrago?) really threw me through the ringer. I have one, I don't, I do, I don't. Well, the final word on it is yes...yes, I do but I don't always use it. This all means...not much, I imagine. I'm trying not to lead anyone astray but instead attempting to present you with exactly what you need from a review. I will not, repeat, will not cover you in hollow lies. I sure hope.

It's odd. I've been looking back on previous reviews. Taking long looks at what I've written. Trying to use the knowledge I've gained to help me through. I've picked up a thing or two but a lot of it is pretty hazy. I don't know. Getting fired ruptured my glorious continuity. All I have here are pieces. That's all that remains. Strangely enough, and I'm not meaning for this to be bonerific, this week's movie is called Pieces.

My boy, it is a bloody film. Heads go flying around, arms flop off, a girl's lower half is taken, which leaves her halfless in the locker room shower, a set of nabolis is clawed off, multiple stabbings and complete dismemberment. I turned away a couple times. This is too much. I guess they're trying to get the kids in.

During WWI, at the home of a space age family with a push button phone, a little boy is putting together a puzzle of a naked lady. His Mom finds it and goes into a well-deserved tizzy because, apparently, the boy's father had a similar disposition. Well, the boy chops his mom's head off & acts like someone else did it.

Lesson #1: Boys who use an ax to decapitate their mothers are crazy.

Cut to the present:

A college in Boston, a small suburb of Madrid, Spain (it is a small world), is terrorized by (although, no one but the faculty learn about) a killer. A killer who is only taking pieces of the bodies. He is making a life-size female puzzle from real dead parts using his old blood stained puzzle as a reference!

Lesson #2: It's the boy from the beginning. All grown up.

The police begin to investigate. There are a bunch of shady characters including the principal, the biology professor, the chainsaw wielding gardener and the principal. But, they can't find our slasher. More women lose their parts in some very messy scenes. An undercover cop/ tennis pro is put in the school. She's a nice lady.

Lesson #3: When the cop is asked if they have any leads and he says "We're just out buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size." This means: No, we do not have any leads.

The search goes on and there is some strange behavior. An odd karate instructor, a motorcycle that sounds exactly like a chainsaw, a fat kid who appears in many places at once, an aerobics class that goes on and on, a student who becomes an honorary cop and a scene where the suspense pivots around how fast the killer can prepare a cup of instant coffee.

Lesson #4: Apparently, you can get a great day job working on the police force if you need to make some extra cash. Especially if you're a tennis pro. (Are you really a pro at something if you need to take a second job to supplement your income?) (What about product endorsements?)

So, everyone comes together in the magic and people die but not everyone and I gotta go.

I Am Back!

From the editors:

Well, the people spoke & we heard! This week, we are proud to welcome back Our Movie Reviewer & Yours!

Cyril is Back!

Fatal Games

Hello all!
I am back!
Ready to go!
Your thrilling petition meant a lot to me so here I am! With this week's magic:
Fatal Games
Ow!Are they ever? Let me tell you!

This one is a humdinger of a bojangler, I don't mind telling you. Talk about death, talk about nude, talk about pure sugary excitement. Well, I guess you're talking about this then.

Let me draw a scene:

A private school for gymnasts, swimmers and other athletes on their way to the Olympics. Training hard or hardly training? The first of the two. Theses kids work hard! Oh boy! Bending, stretching, flipping, running, throwing things. This isn't easy, let me tell ya!

Well, there is a rather lethal fly in this ointment, one that kills. With a javelin. A well-thrown javelin, that is. Does it ever sting?! Ouchers!

The students at Something-Or-Other Academy start vanishing. Luckily, no one seems to worry too much about the missing kids or there'd be all kinds of trouble.

Who is the killer?

Well, it's someone you wouldn't suspect because they act as suspicious as everyone else. I'll give you a hint: It's not our All-American In Love couple. Or is it? (It isn't.) Things get a little strange as the end draws near. Of course, in looking back, I see that we never really got at the beginning. So...

What are these steroids about? They make you really strong, they can get you a little sick. Well, I can handle the "getting a little sick" part for a super tough me! Well, well...with a few choice injections of this stuff I could be a "
Super Critic"! We'll see, we'll see.

Anyway, the actual movie...

There are a lot of naked people in this movie. Not a judgement, more of an observation. I suppose there are a lot of naked people at an Olympic Training Academy to begin with. So, the movie is just taking a very realistic line. I can't fault it. Of course,a lot of these films are filled with nudity anyways so maybe it's just being One Of Those movies.

Hmmm...

This one feels a bit like Graduation Day but, in True Hollywood Fashion, it improves upon it. The characters aren't quite the cyphers they once were. All of them are developed and followed a bit more than before. (Including that lead couple whose names I should have jotted down.) Things aren't as fragmented. Pieces fit together better. Although, the ending is slightly confusing. But, that's probably just me.

Now, is this movie good? Of course it is. Will it teach you something about life? Of course it will. Wat? Well, let's start with: any coach or adult who was kicked out of the Olympics because she had too many male hormones should be watched. Especially if that person keeps old newspaper clippings of her failure around (or tacked up). Second, don't run nude. It's embarrassing for everyone. Third, remember that the doctors are always right except when they screw up. Fourth, I don't know The Answer. But, I've ruled out killing people as one of them

Well, there you go. Doesn't it feel good? I bet it does. Ahhh, things that feel good are nice. Well, this wraps up what i wanted to originally subtitle "My Most Insubstantial Review Ever" but I won't. Maybe I should watch it again.

(The following was written after a second viewing.)

Fatal Games: A Second Squeezing

The plot is still the same. There has been no substantial change. But, I noticed something this second time around...something very interesting...something very, very crucial to an understanding of what's occurring...Something very,. very important in regards to

Are you still reading? All right, well...I didn't pick up a thing from that 2nd viewing. Why" Is this a bad movie? I shudder to think. I will have to leave time to help me here. Time knows. I'm gonna take a nap.

A Drathmoorian Statement & Another Letter

Drathmoor has sent us this statement regarding his "Suspension" from the paper. He has requested that it be printed in Blue.

Friends, Romans & Countrymen,

I'm sure you're wondering what's going on. I'm sure you're wondering who is going to tell you about the movies. Well...I sure wished it could be me but...A couple things have really confused me. 1) I was born during an eclipse but, try as I might to convince myself, I have a conscience. 2) It seems that the editors of this paper are without consciences. But, none of them were born during eclipses! It makes me think "Have the movies let me down? Maybe I should look into it?" I did. And, the movies let me down, especially that eclipse one. And, the more I looked at the movie world today, the more I realized that something was wrong. I had been led astray! I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused.

-Drathmoor

To the editors, 

I have enclosed a petition signed by 27 people who want Drathmoor back. Over 25% of Turbot wants it! Do it!

-B.L.L.

Letters To Our Editor

Dear sirs,
Bring back Drathmoor! What kind of a review was that! The Burning, my Aunt Fanny!
-L.B.

To the editors,
A travesty! The best thing about your paper gone! Bring back our Hollywood connection!
-B.L.

Sirs & Madams,
I learned nothing from A Burning! That "reviewer" is grossly inadequate! Where is Drathmoor?
-L.B.L.


From the editors:
Due to overwhelming response, Mr. Marvin Tremins will not be reviewing anything this week. To learn about this week's movie, you will need to do three things: 1) turn to Page 11, 2) get the show times, 3) see the movie yourself. Have a good week.

Our New Reviewer!

To all concerned readers:

Drathmoor's regular movie column has been indefinitely suspended due to disagreements over content. This week we're trying out a new reviewer, Marvin Tremins, local storyteller and movie bon vivant. Enjoy!

The Burning

When I was younger, the kids used to whisper/ rumor of a man. A man who was once the caretaker of this old summer camp up North. A hard drinkin' cruel man who used to carry around a huge, menacing set of garden shears. All the kids were scared of him. Just the way he walked was threatening. Made you want to give him a lot of space. Well, this caretaker fell victim to a prank. Some of the kids wanted to scare the lifeblood out of this old drunk. So, they get this old skull. (Don't ask me where from.) They place a flaming candle in it. Lit up the sockets of those eyes and the old, dead teeth. They also dug up a mess of nightcrawlers & dirt and smeared it all over. Well, that old caretaker was passed out drunk on his smelly old cot so it was no big deal getting it in there. The boys just peered in the window at him and smiled. Then, they started pounding and yelling. It took a while but finally that old caretaker woke up. Rheumy eyes were hazed over so he had to blink. A lot. Then, the glowing object focused itself. The bare skull slithering with worms and so shiny it could have been alive. Except for the fact that it was dead. That old drunk, so soused that he felt like he was floating, got so scared he lashed out at this terrifying apparition. Lashed out and knocked the nightcrawlers off and tanked it over. But, flame moves on its own and a spark hit his old sheets, soaked with grime and booze. They burst into flame so fast that nobody had a chance to move. The first one who did was that old caretaker. Every inch of his body was burning bright. The kids took off. Too much fear. The caretaker burnt and burnt...but he lived. And, he spent 2 years in the hospital. And, the pain was unbearable. When they finally let him out, he was too horribly burnt to be much to good to anyone. You couldn't look at him...He hadn't been a good man but he was a man. A man so horribly burnt that it hurt to speak. But, there was no need to speak. Everything he needed was in his mind. The campers, the kids. They would pay. He may have been homeless, broke & damaged beyond repair but he still had those shears, sharper than any scissors, sleeker than any knife. The campers would pay. All the campers would pay.

His old camp was closed but there was another: Camp Blackfoot. To his rarely delighted but heavily scarred joy, one of the boys who had burnt him was there. Punish the children. It doesn't matter whether or not they deserve it. The caretaker was insane, these considerations weren't even a part of it. They would be destroyed and they would feel all the agony he did. His determination gave him his strength. And, he hadn't touched a drink in two years. His head was never clearer. Of course, he was totally & utterly insane but...

Enjoy The Burning. People get killed. It's pretty gross.

Rialto.

Buy War Bonds.

Continue The Reviews Without!

"Goin' On a Fall Break!" These kids are gonna have a great time in Fall Break at the Rialto this week. I know it! I feel it! College kids who are good looking, fresh and so clean go on a magical safari to a beach house. Soul-searching questions of life, love and sex forever floating around their brains and mouths & touching our hearts.

And, is this beach house ever nice? You bet! I can't conceive of a more entertaining week than one spent with these people. I mean: the good looking guy, his girlfriend, the blonde & her goofy boyfriend, the others who are there, too. I mean, board games! Board games! Look at how much fun they have just driving to the beach house. There's something to be said for all the gusto this film evokes. (Gusto! There's a word!)

So, their dilemmas become ours. Such as: Sex or no? Drinking or no? Using the huge indoor pool or no? Dying or no? (And, when I say dying, I mean...dying for love!) It's nice to really get inside the minds of these characters and just wander. There are good things to be had here.

Hollywood knows that everyone has problems. Some of us have big problems, some a little tinier. Not everyone can work through their problems to the best of their abilities. That's what movies like this do. Intelligent writing, incisive characters & strong, strong acting. These are the things good films are made of. These are the things that this film is made of. And, more.

How much more? Oh, a lot more. There is wonderment here. You have to know where & when to grab it. I'm not sure if Hollywood can solve all your troubles (give 'em a break!) but you should really let them try.

Should you have fun? Yes. Should you have fun somewhere nice? Yes. Should you have sex? Yes. Should you keep a clean house? Yes! Should you have good friends? Yes!! Is your life going to be glorious and hassle-free if you do all this? Yes, yes!! Are all the instruments of joy inside you? Yes, yes, again I say yes!!!

Live! And, live like these people. I'm sure, if you write to the producers c/o Hollywood, they'd give you the address of this beautiful seaside home. (Just ask for "Dad"!) For real! That's right! That's right! It's all yours! Just breathe it in! Thank you.

(Note: The title of this film is Fall Break. Clearly the title it has on-screen, The Mutilator, was hastily inserted by someone trying to make a buck. Don't believe it. Fall Break, 100%)

Conscienceless Reviewing Continues!

One thing I love (and I know Hollywood does too) is going into the woods for an outing. Take some friends, a radio, take some sweet & glorious booze and just live it up! (NO! Love It Up!) Please! For Me!

Ahhh...the outdoors. If you have a salacious boyfriend or girlfriend, take them. Have sex! That's what the woods are for! Come on! You know what? Even if you don't have a lover, take somebody! My God, sex and the woods are almost synonymous!

You're wondering what all this has to do with The Prey? Wonder no more! The Prey is about some attractive young people who go to the woods and, man!, do they ever make out! (Like you should.) They have fun, they climb down mountains, they swim. I mean, come on! They swim! The fun does not stop! Well, it does. But, it has nothing to do with them.

Time for a cold, hard truth. Hands by your sides, kids. This may come as a shock but...some people don't like the woods. Someone in this movie doesn't like the woods. That's why some of these kids die. Because there is a man out there who hates the woods. No ifs, ands or buts. He likes gals, though! But, you know what we call guys who like to kidnap women and make them have babies in caves? Jerks. That's what this guy is.

So, yes, people do die when they go in the woods. But, let me share the movie's lesson:

Bring a gun.

A small gun of some kind to shoot anyone who may not enjoy the woods completely dead. Why not? Self defense, right? The woods are for everyone. Come on! You can get killed driving a car any day of the week. How do you avoid this? Keep your guard up! Come on! One well placed shot'll do it!

Don't let someone like this stop you from enjoying the beauty and splendor of the woods. It's there for you. It wants to be your friend. Go there. Today.

Come on!

Drathmoor, Reviewer Without a Conscience Presents: "The Prowler"

Killing people is a hell of a time!

I can with a certain honesty say that I have never killed a human being. But, vicariously, I have killed many times. Many times.

[Editors Note: That was the entirety of the original review. Subsequently, the newspaper editors went back and got him to write some more.]

D'you like last or final night bashes? In particular, a last-night-at-college bash! I bet you do! Well, ya know what, go to them! They're great! I insist! Go!

Why not? Go and (this is the important bit) party with ripe & wild abandon! I mean, let's be honest, nothing goes wrong on nights like this. They just don't!

Remember to prepare well! Shower and dress nice. Hey, it's the last bash! And, when you get there, goof off! I recommend fooling around in the basement and swimming. Night swimming by yourself in a pool setting is a joyous time.

These are just a few of the things The Prowler has taught me. Unfortunately, the film has vanished from the Rialto so you won't be able to see it. Where'd it go? I don't know. Kids, probably. Oh well. Live & learn.

Here's a brief plot:

A WWII soldier gets a Dear John letter, returns and kills his ex-fiance and her new beau. 40 years later, the same town is ravaged by a kickbutt Party! A lot of the action takes place in a creepy old house as a cute gal & a hunky cop "prowl" around...Get it? The Prowler is a cute gal & Mr. Hunky...Pretty cool, huh?

Party for me...please? This weekend, maybe.

Thank you.

From The Editors of The Turbot Tribune

To all those expecting a review of Deadly Intruder, we apologize. Sr. Drathmoor did not turn in his column this week.


So, instead!, we are reprinting one of his most beloved reviews: The Last Slumber Party.

Enjoy!

The Last Slumber Party

Playing at the Rialto all this week is a film that you have to see: The Last Slumber Party. This one cuts away all the extras and, hey, if it is The Last Slumber Party, you don't want to miss it. Come with me and we'll learn more about ourselves and others.

Now the plot: A madman staying in a low-security hospital room steals a surgical mask and scalpel and starts to kill with reckless, and yet controlled, abandon. Cutting a swath of dead to the head doctor's home where his daughter is having the wildest slumber party ever. In his wake, he leaves a trail of cut throats.

Shower me, sweet Hollywood! Your love is manna, pure & beautiful! The death, the dreams, the twisty and turny plot...Let's go a little deeper...

Chris, the young but heavily bagged-under-the-eye female, has a dream that actually anticipates some of the killings. Follow me...The film goes along. Then, Chris calls from her bedroom. She talks to Linda, they discuss things, then she hangs up...and falls asleep and dreams the slumber party. Then, somewhere within the party, she has another dream of a surreal nature that clues her in to what's going on. She wakes up, still in the dream, and the film goes until her throat is slit, I think. Then, she wakes up and we enter the real world of this fictional piece of thing. This is so wild!

The killer is interesting. He slits throats so fast that sometimes they don't bleed until he's finished the job. He sure is nuts. (You can tell - the eyes.) There's a strange think I like - this odd moment where he comes towards the viewers with his scalpel out. It happens six times. I almost continually don't know what to make of it. It's rather thrilling when it happens. I'm thrilled now sitting here. I'm kidding, of course. Where was I?

The other characters. The guys. Three guys. All with elaborate hair. And, there you go. Then, there's Science. Who was he? Why was he? He is intriguing. He dresses in hospital scrubs when he's a high school student seen studying anatomy. Why? Well...I just don't know. And, the other two girls. Boy, they're sure at this party! What about that Doctor? Every word he speaks you wanna know what he has to say! What a cast this is!

I wish I had the space to cover every scene but it is such a rich tapestry and we only have a limited amount of space. So much good stuff. I'm going to leave it to you to find what you need, lesson-wise. See The Last Slumber Party. If it was, it was a hell of a time.

Sweet 16

Well, there's a new movie at the Rialto.

It's called Sweet 16.

And, some folks get killed in it.

There's a girl named Melissa (if I'm thinking of the right movie) who is turning sweet, sweet 16. I know what you're thinking, I saw the preview too, she actually might be 16x2. She doesn't look 16. I remember girls at 16. Melissa looks a lot older. More weathered or mature or whatever. She seems very experienced. In no way virginal like they try to insinuate. Or is she?

(I don't think so.)

People in this small town are lazy and hazy. They have a nice time. Until, the boys start to become interested in Melissa. Then, the boys start to die. A maniac of some brand is killing them. Why? Something to do with Melissa's innocence? Maybe, Could it be Melissa? Could be. Strange things are afoot in this town.

The Sheriff knows it. He's seen the dead people. The dead people somebody's been killing. Killing because of Melissa!

Or are they?

Probably. Maybe. There's the thing.

To me, this is the sort of film that really teaches a lesson. But, I'm gonna do something a little tricky this time around...

I'm not gonna tell you what that lesson is...

It's gonna be yours to gauge.

The Rialto's open all week. Go see it.

Uh-Oh, Now They Did It

Do you ever drink heavily? Alcohol, I mean. Well, I know I do. Sometimes a tremendous amount. You know, you work hard. You watch a movie, it marinates in your soul and then you regurgitate your musings onto paper. It wears you down. So, sometimes, drink is necessary. Very nice...

Well, the latest Tinseltown triumph made me drink so much that I got sick on my loafers. I did...All over Bloody Birthday.

What interesting peregrinations this film covers me with, huh?

Here's a plot:

Solar eclipse. 3 children are born during it. All are born without a conscience. So, they kill indiscriminately as puberty looms. This adventure occurs on and around their 10th birthdays.

Set in a small town that knows them and loves them. One young boy and his older sister find out the truth but no one believes them.

No one believes them!

Oh, if only someone had. A whole bunch of people are killed including the sheriff, his daughter, a teacher, some young people in love and others.

These insane kids look pretty creepy to me. It's something in the eyes. But...

Nothing could prepare me for what I discovered.

I watched the movie as I normally do.

I proceeded to examine my notes and any historical or sociological info pertinent. Well, the older sister is a student of astrology. (She discovers the lack of conscience through this.) So, I made a brief astrological gander and discovered something...

I was BORN during a solar eclipse!

HOLY SOCKS!

Then, the memories began to back into me...Around the age of 9, I killed a colony of beetles I found living under some rocks. Just outright slaughtered them! Ohmigod! Then, when I was 17, I peed in the sink in the teacher's lounge at school. Then, at 22, I wore two kinds of plaid to a dinner party. Holy Jeez! Was this all true? Am I without conscience?

Either that or the movie is wrong.

Oh no.

Hollywood has never let me down before. Think of all the times: Didn't they tell me to make bees my friend with "The Swarm"? Didn't they recommend leaving summer camp off your list of FUN THINGS after "Friday the 13th"? Didn't they warn about having friends over the house at night in "Slumber Party Massacre"? Didn't they warn against going  in someone else's house with "Don't Go In The House"? They had similar things to say with "Don't Answer The Phone", "Don't Look In The Basement" and "Don't Open The Door". Didn't they restrict me to the safety of my kitchen until further notice? So many things! All because of Hollywood. What an impact!

But, could they be wrong here?

Could they?

Of course not.

I am, indeed, a man without a conscience. Really, I've always believed this. Now, I know it's true. It's very liberating the moment one realizes what they really are.

I can rest assured knowing from whence I came.

So, folks, from here on in...I will be known as Drathmoor, Reviewer Without a Conscience. And, if you don't like it, you know where you can jam it!

Yes!

"Who brought a little be-all end-all to this party?"

This week's trepidatious journey of wonders over at our Rialto is the great & mighty "Humongous". He's huge. He loves to stand shrouded in silhouette. He's eaten all the dogs on Dog Island. (Is it sill Dog Island then?) The group of folks who become shipwrecked looks pretty tempting come lunchtime. So, in the spirit of good fun, he chases them all around the island.

Or, I believe he chases them all around the island. The sounds & random shapes I see in the darkness sure seem to imply that. It's an interesting metaphor: "in the dark" the kids probably have great trouble seeing him; "in the dark" is where we seem to be regarding some of his motives and his ways; "in the dark" is where 50% of this movie takes place. Never have I seen Hollywood take an idea and so generously lace it into the texture of a work. Every dark frame echoes every dark moment in the action. Their fumbling & flailing mirrors our attempts to see the aforementioned action. "Someone is being chased?" "Yes. Who?" "I don't know." "Aaaahh..." In a nutshell, there it is. The people who are shipwrecked may look like a series of people but in our hearts...they are one. They are Us. Amen.

The plot is as elusive as the visibility in several of these scenes: A rich young lady on Dog Island in 1946 is knocked down, clothes torn off & on the verge of being touched wrong by a drunk party goer. But, the Dogs of Dog Island arrive and tear the jerk up. This makes the woman pregnant, crazy & completely antisocial. Her son is the "Humongous" of the title. Meanwhile, a group of present-day young people are out on a boat having fun. Well, the boat blows up after a series of things happen and they're wrecked. Gradually, something humongous (if you catch my drift) begins killing everyone. The dwindling group of young people struggle to find out what's going on.

Hollywood, you take my breath away.

Now, give it back.

Thank you.

Here's the other interesting thing the movie does: Hollywood knows that people work hard. Hollywood knows that people need sleep. (Am I right? Come on!) But, Hollywood knows how much you love their magical product. I believe "Humongous" employs the latest in technology: It has portions in it where you can fall right asleep, wake up several minutes later and not have missed a thing. Is this incredible or what? I used it 13 times! It's great, especially in the last half hour. Wow! I left the movie rested, entertained & smarter. The only drawback being (I'm sure they're working on this) that sometimes you're not sure what you've seen happen and what you've dreamt and once I slept a little bit into what, I think, was an important scene so...Hooray for the new excitement! And, Haroo for the immanent perfection of it all!

(I highly recommend a good sleep through that last half hour. It feels great.)

(Oh, I have no idea what happened to "Queen Kong". Don't even ask.)

"The Spirit of '76!" Concludes

Our glorious month long festival winds down. These "Past Blasts" sure have been something. It's interesting to see where we've been but, ultimately, pointless. They assure me that Hollywood's back on track and next week we'll get a new one. Thank goodness. We deserve it.

So...

This week's piece playing at the Rialto is La Casa dalle Finestre che Ridono. Boyoboy, does it ever live up to its name!

The film is set somewhere in Europe ("That Old Country") where a man is asked to restore a "Big Painting" in a church. As he restores it, he discovers some terrible things...Like they're not going to pay him! Once again, I'm kidding. Another in a long and seemingly endless series of jokes that I, the reviewer, provide for you, the reader.


The painter of this "Large Drawing" is dead but he sure did a nice job. The decaying picture is of Saint Brrgelthermin slaying various demons. Well, as the restoration proceeds, the restorateur discovers that something is wrong. This something has quite a bit to do with the artist's sisters who are killing young men. Why? Well, it has something to do with their brother. Trust me when I say that things slowly begin to get very out of hand and, before you realize it, the movie's over.

I hope my review has provided you with the story of this film. I'll be honest I may, or may not, have made some of that up. For some reason, the film is in another language that may, or may not, be something like Spanish. The Rialto management assured me that this is exactly how Hollywood released it so now it becomes my job, as a reviewer, to work the middle ground for you. To provide "my translation", as it were, of the lesson.

(As I said, it was a little tricky as I couldn't understand a single word anyone was saying. In fact, I wasn't even sure what the title meant until the other guy in the theater told me. He said it means "The House of the Two Crazy Sisters". With all my heart, I believe this to be true.)

The life of a reviewer is not an easy one. It took a lot of deliberating, studying of text and wiping of sweaty brows (some my own) before I realized something important. People won't tell you about it but here it is (and it changes the face of the past month): What we have here is a film BL (Before Lessons), a film from the time when these things were made purely for entertainment. It must have been some time around '76 when Hollywood finally wised up to what its true capabilities were...the power to teach. Teach the children. (I believe Class Reunion Massacre and Savage Weekend had some message. But, Kiss of the Tarantula is without.) This is why "The Crazy Sister's House" feels so empty. This is why I learn nothing. Because, there is nothing to learn. It's as simple as that. The fact that it's not even in a comprehensible language clinches it.

"The Spirit of '76!" is over. I've seen where we've been. It sure was fun but it doesn't mean a thing. Next week: Queen Kong! Finally!

"The Redeemer" visits your class reunion

"The Spirit of '76!" goes on! And, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it. I thought, if They (you know who I'm talking about) are making no more films, that's fine. Then, I would gladly go back and enjoy these "Old Time Classics". But, there was so much left to say. Every week there was something new. These old films seemed like time-wasters to me. Why was this happening? Luckily, I ran into Edgar, Snack Boy at the Rialto, who filled me in and set me straight. He told me that "Tinsel Town had run into some setbacks and had sent these films to fill a gap. The new ones would start up again in a couple weeks." Something about a "Celluloid Shortage". I told him that "I had no idea what he was talking about." He nodded, pointing out that sometimes the artistic side of the industry didn't always understand the financial hassles and concerns encountered on the business side. I divined this to mean that Hollywood was having trouble (?!). How could this be? Such a glorious & important coalition of artist in trouble? What was wrong with this picture? In my heart of hearts, I prayed that all good Americans would do now what they had done a thousand times before throughout our glorious history...rally behind the artists! Now more than ever, our best & brightest need your help. Hollywood is aching. Will you be the soothing balm?

The best way to help them? Get out there and support them by watching, and loving (No, cherishing), their old films. Let's do it!

I'll start with this: The Redeemer does the killing in this movie. This may not make him a very nice guy but, a very substantial but, he's just doing his job. You can't fault a fellow for that. And, this guy sure does his job well. With great panache and slabs of verve (Verve Slabs). It's a pleasure watching him go.

His killing cover is a high school reunion. The graduated class assemble (or at least 6 of them) at their old school: a strange, rectangular edifice that looks like it burst out of the ground in the center of an unkempt clearing. Boy, no wonder these kids are screwed up! They went to the most depressing high school in the U.S. Now, all boarded and barred-up, it's even more so. My Lord, in the middle of nowhere! Is this a fun place for the kids?

Apparently not, because it's been closed down.

Before the reunion: The crippled caretaker is shot dead by a "Stranger" who demands entrance. The "Stranger" takes over his identity. Making a plaster cast of Mr. Caretaker's face and doling out the invitations to the guests. The "Stranger" (ya know what, I'm just gonna give up and call him The Redeemer) The Redeemer sets up an elaborate meal and puts on some music and the six flow in.

A glutton, a flirt, a bitch, a lesbian, a preener and a hoarder. These are the folks and their types. I was going to talk more about them but, frankly, I don't remember much more about them. They are thrilled to see each other again and surprised that the deserted, ramshackle & crumbling building no longer houses their football trophies. They enjoy a yummy meal as elevator music plays, all punctuated by wet synth slaps.

Of course, I didn't mention any of the actual beginning. The child who rises out of the water and the bus that promptly comes to get him. The fact that the child has an extra thumb is a constant strangeness. The choir practice with the oddly bepanted boys enjoying a dirty joke. The mass for 14 people led by the Preacher preaching redemption LOUD! The shadow that falls on the sleeping priest in the belfry in his bed. And, the priest's new thumb. The Priest seems to become the Redeemer. Several people say that this film doesn't make a lot of sense...Liars. The Redeemer (Or "The Redemmer", as I keep spelling his name) rises out of the depths as a child to claim six souls. It goes into the body of the Priest (probably because he has a driver's license), arranges the reunion, kills and, with job completed, goes back into the depths. Thank you. Good night. The magic is that, after a first viewing, it seems like it might not make sense. I think it does.

The movie moves much swifter than most of the moderns. 20 minutes for set-up, 50 minutes of movie and 10 minutes of wrap-up. Very swift and to the point. They knew what they were doing here. It's neat as neat can be.

Going down another track, everyone here has sex. So, that's different from normal stuff. On homosexuality, I believe we're undecided. (This is a demon of some sort doing the killing so I'm fairly sure we're not supposed to support all of his decisions.) Some movies punish and some don't. To punish and kill for "Sins" is certainly the newest of touches. Or the oldest. It practically screams out that there's no running from it...Everyone dies. All six are killed. Burning, shooting (2), spear in the head, drowning and decap. It doesn't matter that two of the ladies are sweet...the Redeemer says they sinned. There you go. If Ronald McDonald were the killer, there'd be different criteria, I'm sure. The movie would have ended with Ronald decapitating the Burger King.

What a strange movie!

Very Old Testament horror. I'm glad we've gone beyond this because it doesn't really strike me right. The story just doesn't seem fair to me...what with the evil angel and the class reunion cheat. How'd he pay for their meal? You know and I know, Evil can win. But, what d'you do when the killer might be one of God's emissaries? Or is it a Fallen Angel?...Drat, I confused myself there. I need to take notes. The movie itself is interesting and creepy and I enjoyed it. It was just confusing enough that I was always interested. Then, when I figured it all out, what was going on, I though...Oh. Well then...

We have progressed considerably.