1) Holidays! Man, I love the holidays! (The editors will be posting my tips for "A Safe Xmas" in an upcoming edition.) &
2) Crap in my face!
Have you been to the Rialto? D'you know what I'm talking about? D'you not know what I'm talking about? Have you been to the Rialto? What do you do with your time? Self flagellation is counterproductive for everyone. I guess I'll fill you in.
D'you know what my favorite day of the year is after Xmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Halloween, New Year's, May 12 and Arbor Day? You guessed it! October 8! After that? Yep! Friday the 13th. That is why the Rialto's so important this week. Because it's showing Friday the 13th 3-D! (Although, the opening isn't in 3-D. So, you don't need glasses on there.) Let me spray you with some lowdown.
There's a guy at a camp, who may or may not be named Jason, that has killed a whole slew of people. One of those great legends about a creepy guy killing the kids off in the woods. We even see The Legend Re-Capped. That's the 2-D part. It's something to do with his mother's head surrounded by candles. A young blond lady gives him the runaround. When we go to 3-D, he's still loose and the cops are after him. Good For Him! I think it's a swell place to start a movie. In excelsis res is what we call it. When the action begins, we start cooking along with another batch of kids who like pot and sex. They go to a house near a lake where Jason kills them.
Oh, but first, Jason (easier to call him that) kills a kind of gross couple at a little produce store along the rural route. And, although they're not campers, I think I know why he killed them. Because they kept waving crap in my face. Not real crap but everything that is waveable. Laundry, sticks, sharp things, rabbits & everything. Thank God he killed them!
Hey, what's this 3-D about! Is it those glasses? Is it the crap in my face? I guess so. If so, Bravo and Brava! I've never had a spear fly at me & I've never had an eyeball pop out my way! Cinema lets off a fine smell! This is the freshest of them all!
Uhhh...So, here we go. There are a few cute couples with boobs & butts. There's a fat guy who nobody really seems to like but he has a hockey mask. And, there are three bikers, big bikers, who like to send a little trouble towards our group.
Well, one of the gals had run into this Jason fellow before. And, they will have a big Crap-In-My-Face run-in again before all this is through. Her friends are not so lucky. They're killed (as are those big bikers) and sliced and have bits of themselves thrown at us. Jason decides to start wearing the fat guy's hockey mask. Although, I thought the killer here was supposed to be Jason's brother because the 3-D killer is ten times bigger than the 2-D one but there you have it.
Oh boy! Watch out for the stuff flying at you. None of it hits you for real but it sure comes damn close. I really like the eyeball. An eyeball's a glorious thing. Ahhh, Hollywood. Sure makes you smile. The story of Jason, his mother, that one girl and a few kids & such who get killed. This is one to remember! Why? Because Hollywood throws crap at you! This is pretty wild stuff! I'm glad I'm back! What a jerk I would have been if I'd missed this!
The best part of all of this? I have yet to remove the glasses. Now, thanks to Hollywood, every moment of my day is in 3-D! I never thought life could be so alive! If you're in the neighborhood, stop by the offices. And, if I'm wearing my glasses, throw some crap in my face!
I'm back! It's nice! My space is soothed.
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