Uh-Oh, Now They Did It

Do you ever drink heavily? Alcohol, I mean. Well, I know I do. Sometimes a tremendous amount. You know, you work hard. You watch a movie, it marinates in your soul and then you regurgitate your musings onto paper. It wears you down. So, sometimes, drink is necessary. Very nice...

Well, the latest Tinseltown triumph made me drink so much that I got sick on my loafers. I did...All over Bloody Birthday.

What interesting peregrinations this film covers me with, huh?

Here's a plot:

Solar eclipse. 3 children are born during it. All are born without a conscience. So, they kill indiscriminately as puberty looms. This adventure occurs on and around their 10th birthdays.

Set in a small town that knows them and loves them. One young boy and his older sister find out the truth but no one believes them.

No one believes them!

Oh, if only someone had. A whole bunch of people are killed including the sheriff, his daughter, a teacher, some young people in love and others.

These insane kids look pretty creepy to me. It's something in the eyes. But...

Nothing could prepare me for what I discovered.

I watched the movie as I normally do.

I proceeded to examine my notes and any historical or sociological info pertinent. Well, the older sister is a student of astrology. (She discovers the lack of conscience through this.) So, I made a brief astrological gander and discovered something...

I was BORN during a solar eclipse!

HOLY SOCKS!

Then, the memories began to back into me...Around the age of 9, I killed a colony of beetles I found living under some rocks. Just outright slaughtered them! Ohmigod! Then, when I was 17, I peed in the sink in the teacher's lounge at school. Then, at 22, I wore two kinds of plaid to a dinner party. Holy Jeez! Was this all true? Am I without conscience?

Either that or the movie is wrong.

Oh no.

Hollywood has never let me down before. Think of all the times: Didn't they tell me to make bees my friend with "The Swarm"? Didn't they recommend leaving summer camp off your list of FUN THINGS after "Friday the 13th"? Didn't they warn about having friends over the house at night in "Slumber Party Massacre"? Didn't they warn against going  in someone else's house with "Don't Go In The House"? They had similar things to say with "Don't Answer The Phone", "Don't Look In The Basement" and "Don't Open The Door". Didn't they restrict me to the safety of my kitchen until further notice? So many things! All because of Hollywood. What an impact!

But, could they be wrong here?

Could they?

Of course not.

I am, indeed, a man without a conscience. Really, I've always believed this. Now, I know it's true. It's very liberating the moment one realizes what they really are.

I can rest assured knowing from whence I came.

So, folks, from here on in...I will be known as Drathmoor, Reviewer Without a Conscience. And, if you don't like it, you know where you can jam it!

Yes!

"Who brought a little be-all end-all to this party?"

This week's trepidatious journey of wonders over at our Rialto is the great & mighty "Humongous". He's huge. He loves to stand shrouded in silhouette. He's eaten all the dogs on Dog Island. (Is it sill Dog Island then?) The group of folks who become shipwrecked looks pretty tempting come lunchtime. So, in the spirit of good fun, he chases them all around the island.

Or, I believe he chases them all around the island. The sounds & random shapes I see in the darkness sure seem to imply that. It's an interesting metaphor: "in the dark" the kids probably have great trouble seeing him; "in the dark" is where we seem to be regarding some of his motives and his ways; "in the dark" is where 50% of this movie takes place. Never have I seen Hollywood take an idea and so generously lace it into the texture of a work. Every dark frame echoes every dark moment in the action. Their fumbling & flailing mirrors our attempts to see the aforementioned action. "Someone is being chased?" "Yes. Who?" "I don't know." "Aaaahh..." In a nutshell, there it is. The people who are shipwrecked may look like a series of people but in our hearts...they are one. They are Us. Amen.

The plot is as elusive as the visibility in several of these scenes: A rich young lady on Dog Island in 1946 is knocked down, clothes torn off & on the verge of being touched wrong by a drunk party goer. But, the Dogs of Dog Island arrive and tear the jerk up. This makes the woman pregnant, crazy & completely antisocial. Her son is the "Humongous" of the title. Meanwhile, a group of present-day young people are out on a boat having fun. Well, the boat blows up after a series of things happen and they're wrecked. Gradually, something humongous (if you catch my drift) begins killing everyone. The dwindling group of young people struggle to find out what's going on.

Hollywood, you take my breath away.

Now, give it back.

Thank you.

Here's the other interesting thing the movie does: Hollywood knows that people work hard. Hollywood knows that people need sleep. (Am I right? Come on!) But, Hollywood knows how much you love their magical product. I believe "Humongous" employs the latest in technology: It has portions in it where you can fall right asleep, wake up several minutes later and not have missed a thing. Is this incredible or what? I used it 13 times! It's great, especially in the last half hour. Wow! I left the movie rested, entertained & smarter. The only drawback being (I'm sure they're working on this) that sometimes you're not sure what you've seen happen and what you've dreamt and once I slept a little bit into what, I think, was an important scene so...Hooray for the new excitement! And, Haroo for the immanent perfection of it all!

(I highly recommend a good sleep through that last half hour. It feels great.)

(Oh, I have no idea what happened to "Queen Kong". Don't even ask.)

"The Spirit of '76!" Concludes

Our glorious month long festival winds down. These "Past Blasts" sure have been something. It's interesting to see where we've been but, ultimately, pointless. They assure me that Hollywood's back on track and next week we'll get a new one. Thank goodness. We deserve it.

So...

This week's piece playing at the Rialto is La Casa dalle Finestre che Ridono. Boyoboy, does it ever live up to its name!

The film is set somewhere in Europe ("That Old Country") where a man is asked to restore a "Big Painting" in a church. As he restores it, he discovers some terrible things...Like they're not going to pay him! Once again, I'm kidding. Another in a long and seemingly endless series of jokes that I, the reviewer, provide for you, the reader.


The painter of this "Large Drawing" is dead but he sure did a nice job. The decaying picture is of Saint Brrgelthermin slaying various demons. Well, as the restoration proceeds, the restorateur discovers that something is wrong. This something has quite a bit to do with the artist's sisters who are killing young men. Why? Well, it has something to do with their brother. Trust me when I say that things slowly begin to get very out of hand and, before you realize it, the movie's over.

I hope my review has provided you with the story of this film. I'll be honest I may, or may not, have made some of that up. For some reason, the film is in another language that may, or may not, be something like Spanish. The Rialto management assured me that this is exactly how Hollywood released it so now it becomes my job, as a reviewer, to work the middle ground for you. To provide "my translation", as it were, of the lesson.

(As I said, it was a little tricky as I couldn't understand a single word anyone was saying. In fact, I wasn't even sure what the title meant until the other guy in the theater told me. He said it means "The House of the Two Crazy Sisters". With all my heart, I believe this to be true.)

The life of a reviewer is not an easy one. It took a lot of deliberating, studying of text and wiping of sweaty brows (some my own) before I realized something important. People won't tell you about it but here it is (and it changes the face of the past month): What we have here is a film BL (Before Lessons), a film from the time when these things were made purely for entertainment. It must have been some time around '76 when Hollywood finally wised up to what its true capabilities were...the power to teach. Teach the children. (I believe Class Reunion Massacre and Savage Weekend had some message. But, Kiss of the Tarantula is without.) This is why "The Crazy Sister's House" feels so empty. This is why I learn nothing. Because, there is nothing to learn. It's as simple as that. The fact that it's not even in a comprehensible language clinches it.

"The Spirit of '76!" is over. I've seen where we've been. It sure was fun but it doesn't mean a thing. Next week: Queen Kong! Finally!

"The Redeemer" visits your class reunion

"The Spirit of '76!" goes on! And, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it. I thought, if They (you know who I'm talking about) are making no more films, that's fine. Then, I would gladly go back and enjoy these "Old Time Classics". But, there was so much left to say. Every week there was something new. These old films seemed like time-wasters to me. Why was this happening? Luckily, I ran into Edgar, Snack Boy at the Rialto, who filled me in and set me straight. He told me that "Tinsel Town had run into some setbacks and had sent these films to fill a gap. The new ones would start up again in a couple weeks." Something about a "Celluloid Shortage". I told him that "I had no idea what he was talking about." He nodded, pointing out that sometimes the artistic side of the industry didn't always understand the financial hassles and concerns encountered on the business side. I divined this to mean that Hollywood was having trouble (?!). How could this be? Such a glorious & important coalition of artist in trouble? What was wrong with this picture? In my heart of hearts, I prayed that all good Americans would do now what they had done a thousand times before throughout our glorious history...rally behind the artists! Now more than ever, our best & brightest need your help. Hollywood is aching. Will you be the soothing balm?

The best way to help them? Get out there and support them by watching, and loving (No, cherishing), their old films. Let's do it!

I'll start with this: The Redeemer does the killing in this movie. This may not make him a very nice guy but, a very substantial but, he's just doing his job. You can't fault a fellow for that. And, this guy sure does his job well. With great panache and slabs of verve (Verve Slabs). It's a pleasure watching him go.

His killing cover is a high school reunion. The graduated class assemble (or at least 6 of them) at their old school: a strange, rectangular edifice that looks like it burst out of the ground in the center of an unkempt clearing. Boy, no wonder these kids are screwed up! They went to the most depressing high school in the U.S. Now, all boarded and barred-up, it's even more so. My Lord, in the middle of nowhere! Is this a fun place for the kids?

Apparently not, because it's been closed down.

Before the reunion: The crippled caretaker is shot dead by a "Stranger" who demands entrance. The "Stranger" takes over his identity. Making a plaster cast of Mr. Caretaker's face and doling out the invitations to the guests. The "Stranger" (ya know what, I'm just gonna give up and call him The Redeemer) The Redeemer sets up an elaborate meal and puts on some music and the six flow in.

A glutton, a flirt, a bitch, a lesbian, a preener and a hoarder. These are the folks and their types. I was going to talk more about them but, frankly, I don't remember much more about them. They are thrilled to see each other again and surprised that the deserted, ramshackle & crumbling building no longer houses their football trophies. They enjoy a yummy meal as elevator music plays, all punctuated by wet synth slaps.

Of course, I didn't mention any of the actual beginning. The child who rises out of the water and the bus that promptly comes to get him. The fact that the child has an extra thumb is a constant strangeness. The choir practice with the oddly bepanted boys enjoying a dirty joke. The mass for 14 people led by the Preacher preaching redemption LOUD! The shadow that falls on the sleeping priest in the belfry in his bed. And, the priest's new thumb. The Priest seems to become the Redeemer. Several people say that this film doesn't make a lot of sense...Liars. The Redeemer (Or "The Redemmer", as I keep spelling his name) rises out of the depths as a child to claim six souls. It goes into the body of the Priest (probably because he has a driver's license), arranges the reunion, kills and, with job completed, goes back into the depths. Thank you. Good night. The magic is that, after a first viewing, it seems like it might not make sense. I think it does.

The movie moves much swifter than most of the moderns. 20 minutes for set-up, 50 minutes of movie and 10 minutes of wrap-up. Very swift and to the point. They knew what they were doing here. It's neat as neat can be.

Going down another track, everyone here has sex. So, that's different from normal stuff. On homosexuality, I believe we're undecided. (This is a demon of some sort doing the killing so I'm fairly sure we're not supposed to support all of his decisions.) Some movies punish and some don't. To punish and kill for "Sins" is certainly the newest of touches. Or the oldest. It practically screams out that there's no running from it...Everyone dies. All six are killed. Burning, shooting (2), spear in the head, drowning and decap. It doesn't matter that two of the ladies are sweet...the Redeemer says they sinned. There you go. If Ronald McDonald were the killer, there'd be different criteria, I'm sure. The movie would have ended with Ronald decapitating the Burger King.

What a strange movie!

Very Old Testament horror. I'm glad we've gone beyond this because it doesn't really strike me right. The story just doesn't seem fair to me...what with the evil angel and the class reunion cheat. How'd he pay for their meal? You know and I know, Evil can win. But, what d'you do when the killer might be one of God's emissaries? Or is it a Fallen Angel?...Drat, I confused myself there. I need to take notes. The movie itself is interesting and creepy and I enjoyed it. It was just confusing enough that I was always interested. Then, when I figured it all out, what was going on, I though...Oh. Well then...

We have progressed considerably.

"Spirit of '76" Presents Savage Weekend

"The Spirit of '76!" continues! The journey through our cinematic past goes on with Savage Weekend!

(Queen Kong postponed again. They told me they lost the beginning of the movie. I can wait.)

Savage Weekend!

Oh boy. The title is absolutely correct. (Although, I believe the movie actually takes place over a 3-day holiday weekend. They fail to mention that.) Quite a few people get killed during this time. Fishhooks, circular saws, axes etc.

Let me just chubb you to the wall here with a touch of plot: A group of grown-ups go to a house in the woods. Someone is out to hurt them. More than once. ("Hurt me twice, not so nice," my mother used to say.) And, basically, that's the plot. But, as with all the best, that's only the surface. Let's lean in and smell the rest of this piece. Say, what's that odor? There's something a little deeper here, a little musky.

Here's my journey; here's our journey...

There's a gaym'n in this movie. He beats the crap out of a bar full of rednecks. He likes this one guy who likes this lady. Well, I'm not sure he (the non-gay guy) likes the lady so much as he likes her large boobies and squeezy behind. I don't watch dirty movies for review because that's a whole other world of world. I watch what Hollywood gives me and this week they've given me a heft dose of "Mama Sweet & Lovely". Usually, my noodle is under control. A lot of naked people pass by these eyes. Hell, there are times when I've been naked. But, normally, the nudity is all wound in the loom, as it were. Well, Savage Weekend and the "Nice Lady" have got me thinking Special Thoughts. The sort of thoughts that'll make a baby pop out.

Let me elaborate...The "Nice Lady" is in the film a lot and she's naked or in a state of "Erotic Undress" quite a bit. And, I enjoyed her nudeness. Her nudeness became quite a draw for me. I looked forward to her nudeness in the same way I'd look forward to the next murder or one of Aunt Clarine's trademark Ultra-Sloppy-Sticky Buns. So, what to do?

Two things:

First, keep in mind that this film was made "back then". The message is not new. The lesson of this film has been used already. But then, if Hollywood is on sort of strange hiatus and re-releasing this now (I'll try to get some skinny for next week), there must be something in it. I think. I don't know. Maybe it would be best to leave the lesson in the past.

Second, I confused myself with the first one. We'll just leave it there.

I'm not a "Sexual" man. Not that I don't enjoy it or that constant nudeness isn't something interesting to me. It's just never been a component before. So, in there, I believe, sits the true lesson: This re-release is nothing more than a lark. Enjoy the death; enjoy the killing; enjoy the nudity and sexos. But, while you enjoy, remember that it doesn't mean a thing.

Savage Weekend is no longer a viable chapter in the human condition. It is simply a spree. Why not squeeze it and see? All this week at the Rialto. Next week: Queen Kong!