Our setting this week is Lanier College in North Carolina. A rather lovely little place full of trees, buildings and roads. But, strangely enough, too few students and one big killer. Oh well. Live and learn. It’s all part of the wonder of life & magic of smells in Final Exam.
Courtney is a kind, young lady who wants to “get a good grade.” Hey, who can blame her? Everyone else, however, is not interested in "good grades". They are after one thing and one thing only… Oh no wait. I’m actually thinking of another film. Several of these people want to get good grades. Well, let’s go through a roster. Shall we?
Courtney - Nice gal. I believe she’s studying psychology. Ah, Jung! (A tip for all you budding young psychologists: Jung is not pronounced the way you think it is! Look it up!) She favors sweaters and jeans. Why shouldn’t she? It’s final exam week during winter. Isn’t it? She works hard but there seems to be some sort of sexual stereotype role blocking her way.
Lisa - The blonde roommate. She “has a free ride,” one of the other characters says. She certainly has a nice behind. Our Lisa’s a big city gal who likes the bright lights but is punishing herself by going to a small, quiet country college. She’s got a swell booty and she knows it and she knows where to wave it. (She’s passing Chemistry because she’s sleeping with the Professor.) I truly believe that some of the others are pointlessly jealous of her. She doesn’t really seem to have a “free ride.” She clearly is studying piano. There is a drawing of that one famous piano guy above her bed. He seems to be someone she’s trying to emulate as she is seen playing in the conservatory. I guess if you know science or are studying psychology, that’s work. But, if you’re doing something creative that’s a “free ride.”
Radish - The all-around science guy who wants to be on the SWAT team. (Man, he’s gonna have problems. That show got canceled years ago.) He has an all-around nerdiness that, I believe, is stopping him. He has a computer and a love of perusing the news media for atrocities. It’s never stated why he can’t be involved in some way with a SWAT team. He just can’t. So there. He seems to like Courtney and she seems to feel something for him but things go rather poorly. In the end.
It must be a small campus because everyone seems to be familiar with everyone else. Granted, it might be some sort of “Final Exam” camaraderie but the hands of fate that make the campus’ last pair of jocks familiar with everyone else seems a bit much. Oh well. The movies show me something again!
Brian - The well-coiffed fraternity boy with the brown car and the deep, sweet suave. He cheats on his chemistry final and gets a good grade. Brian believes he is God’s gift to all women and he very well might be. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t know what God’s gift to all women looked like so there you are. He picks on Radish, trees the young Gary, makes lots of noise with Wildman, hits on Lisa and is stabbed in the chest with a very long and sharp knife.
Bringing us to Wildman: He’s a little gross and there you have it. He drives around in a big van. He has very large hair and he likes to coerce. Wildman is at Lanier on an athletic scholarship so it’s not very nice for him to beat up on Radish as he’s probably helping pay for the jock’s housing. Not a smart man, he gets by on being rather loud and funny, if the constant laughs he gets from everyone are an indicator of anything. (Of course, it is Final Exam week and nerves tend to be a little high. But, please, think of the children!) Wildman eats shaving cream and doesn’t seem to have a lady friend. Unless, she’s gone for the semester.
Janet - The gal who feels like she would have been a homecoming representative in her high school for several years. (Maybe still is.) She likes boys and likes going out with them and falling in love with them. It all seems very innocent. Gary, her present love, seems to have different intentions but what’re you gonna do? They’re kids. She seems very superficially deep when it comes to love. Well, you gotta pass the time. Her “Pinning” becomes the event that leads to Gary’s getting treed. Then, killed. Then, Janet gets killed going to get Gary.
“Oh no, they treed Gary!” It was bound to happen. Gary is the type of guy who sneaks into the teacher’s offices to steal exam answers while wearing a shirt with “GARY” on the front of it in big, white letters. He is with Janet and they are in love. Although, Janet’s love is superficial and Gary seems to be willing to do whatever he can to get a little “sheet related action.” (Guys, it can be done. It takes time.) Gary’s character seems to be half man-half rat. I’m not sure what that means. But, he’s easily coerced, has ripped abs and he gets ice cubes poured down his pants.
Next.
Actually, those are the main characters in this stark white extravaganza. There are a few others: the Sheriff, Mitch the Caretaker, Coach, the Science Professor, the couple in the beginning and the Killer.
An interesting duck to be sure, this "Killer". (Although, I may be misappropriating my animals here.) He’s a tough guy with very obvious pre-cognitive abilities. He owns a nice green coat and sensible shoes and he has a van in which he stores his killing accoutrement. But, the most interesting thing about our killer is...Why is he killing?
Unfortunately, I don’t want to ruin that little bit of fun for you. You have to have some surprises. The guy next to me (1 row back, three seats over) was a little squeezed off because they don’t come right out and say why he’s killing. But, I think they do and they’re a little subtle about it. You have to pay attention a bit. I won’t tell.
The lesson is pretty self-explanatory.
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