A Drathmoorian Statement & Another Letter

Drathmoor has sent us this statement regarding his "Suspension" from the paper. He has requested that it be printed in Blue.

Friends, Romans & Countrymen,

I'm sure you're wondering what's going on. I'm sure you're wondering who is going to tell you about the movies. Well...I sure wished it could be me but...A couple things have really confused me. 1) I was born during an eclipse but, try as I might to convince myself, I have a conscience. 2) It seems that the editors of this paper are without consciences. But, none of them were born during eclipses! It makes me think "Have the movies let me down? Maybe I should look into it?" I did. And, the movies let me down, especially that eclipse one. And, the more I looked at the movie world today, the more I realized that something was wrong. I had been led astray! I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused.

-Drathmoor

To the editors, 

I have enclosed a petition signed by 27 people who want Drathmoor back. Over 25% of Turbot wants it! Do it!

-B.L.L.

Letters To Our Editor

Dear sirs,
Bring back Drathmoor! What kind of a review was that! The Burning, my Aunt Fanny!
-L.B.

To the editors,
A travesty! The best thing about your paper gone! Bring back our Hollywood connection!
-B.L.

Sirs & Madams,
I learned nothing from A Burning! That "reviewer" is grossly inadequate! Where is Drathmoor?
-L.B.L.


From the editors:
Due to overwhelming response, Mr. Marvin Tremins will not be reviewing anything this week. To learn about this week's movie, you will need to do three things: 1) turn to Page 11, 2) get the show times, 3) see the movie yourself. Have a good week.

Our New Reviewer!

To all concerned readers:

Drathmoor's regular movie column has been indefinitely suspended due to disagreements over content. This week we're trying out a new reviewer, Marvin Tremins, local storyteller and movie bon vivant. Enjoy!

The Burning

When I was younger, the kids used to whisper/ rumor of a man. A man who was once the caretaker of this old summer camp up North. A hard drinkin' cruel man who used to carry around a huge, menacing set of garden shears. All the kids were scared of him. Just the way he walked was threatening. Made you want to give him a lot of space. Well, this caretaker fell victim to a prank. Some of the kids wanted to scare the lifeblood out of this old drunk. So, they get this old skull. (Don't ask me where from.) They place a flaming candle in it. Lit up the sockets of those eyes and the old, dead teeth. They also dug up a mess of nightcrawlers & dirt and smeared it all over. Well, that old caretaker was passed out drunk on his smelly old cot so it was no big deal getting it in there. The boys just peered in the window at him and smiled. Then, they started pounding and yelling. It took a while but finally that old caretaker woke up. Rheumy eyes were hazed over so he had to blink. A lot. Then, the glowing object focused itself. The bare skull slithering with worms and so shiny it could have been alive. Except for the fact that it was dead. That old drunk, so soused that he felt like he was floating, got so scared he lashed out at this terrifying apparition. Lashed out and knocked the nightcrawlers off and tanked it over. But, flame moves on its own and a spark hit his old sheets, soaked with grime and booze. They burst into flame so fast that nobody had a chance to move. The first one who did was that old caretaker. Every inch of his body was burning bright. The kids took off. Too much fear. The caretaker burnt and burnt...but he lived. And, he spent 2 years in the hospital. And, the pain was unbearable. When they finally let him out, he was too horribly burnt to be much to good to anyone. You couldn't look at him...He hadn't been a good man but he was a man. A man so horribly burnt that it hurt to speak. But, there was no need to speak. Everything he needed was in his mind. The campers, the kids. They would pay. He may have been homeless, broke & damaged beyond repair but he still had those shears, sharper than any scissors, sleeker than any knife. The campers would pay. All the campers would pay.

His old camp was closed but there was another: Camp Blackfoot. To his rarely delighted but heavily scarred joy, one of the boys who had burnt him was there. Punish the children. It doesn't matter whether or not they deserve it. The caretaker was insane, these considerations weren't even a part of it. They would be destroyed and they would feel all the agony he did. His determination gave him his strength. And, he hadn't touched a drink in two years. His head was never clearer. Of course, he was totally & utterly insane but...

Enjoy The Burning. People get killed. It's pretty gross.

Rialto.

Buy War Bonds.

Continue The Reviews Without!

"Goin' On a Fall Break!" These kids are gonna have a great time in Fall Break at the Rialto this week. I know it! I feel it! College kids who are good looking, fresh and so clean go on a magical safari to a beach house. Soul-searching questions of life, love and sex forever floating around their brains and mouths & touching our hearts.

And, is this beach house ever nice? You bet! I can't conceive of a more entertaining week than one spent with these people. I mean: the good looking guy, his girlfriend, the blonde & her goofy boyfriend, the others who are there, too. I mean, board games! Board games! Look at how much fun they have just driving to the beach house. There's something to be said for all the gusto this film evokes. (Gusto! There's a word!)

So, their dilemmas become ours. Such as: Sex or no? Drinking or no? Using the huge indoor pool or no? Dying or no? (And, when I say dying, I mean...dying for love!) It's nice to really get inside the minds of these characters and just wander. There are good things to be had here.

Hollywood knows that everyone has problems. Some of us have big problems, some a little tinier. Not everyone can work through their problems to the best of their abilities. That's what movies like this do. Intelligent writing, incisive characters & strong, strong acting. These are the things good films are made of. These are the things that this film is made of. And, more.

How much more? Oh, a lot more. There is wonderment here. You have to know where & when to grab it. I'm not sure if Hollywood can solve all your troubles (give 'em a break!) but you should really let them try.

Should you have fun? Yes. Should you have fun somewhere nice? Yes. Should you have sex? Yes. Should you keep a clean house? Yes! Should you have good friends? Yes!! Is your life going to be glorious and hassle-free if you do all this? Yes, yes!! Are all the instruments of joy inside you? Yes, yes, again I say yes!!!

Live! And, live like these people. I'm sure, if you write to the producers c/o Hollywood, they'd give you the address of this beautiful seaside home. (Just ask for "Dad"!) For real! That's right! That's right! It's all yours! Just breathe it in! Thank you.

(Note: The title of this film is Fall Break. Clearly the title it has on-screen, The Mutilator, was hastily inserted by someone trying to make a buck. Don't believe it. Fall Break, 100%)