Week 2 - "My Bloody Valentine" My First Review

Actually, this should be called my 1st "official" review. Oh, I love Hollywood! I've been writing little reviews here and there for quite some time now. In notebooks, for friends, for my Tinseltown scrapbook. But, this is Cyril's first "official" (I'm getting paid for it) review. I am very anxious.

The editors just wanted me to remind you to pay your last respects to Mr. Jack "J.J." Johnson, movie reviewer of The Turbot Tribune since our inception. But, unlike his bi-weekly terse movie couplets, mine will be a tad more in-depth. That's just how I am!

Let me just give some small background. I've lived in Turbot since I was 14 and movies have always been my greatest love. That's why the Rialto is !so joyous! One movie every week. It's thrilling! And, the job of analyzing each new piece of the cinema's puzzle for you will be mine all mine.

So...Please...

Without further ado...

My Bloody Valentine

This is a journey into a realm that Hollywood deals with so well: Death. This is not just any slasher film, it's the Next Slasher Film. I wish I had been here since the beginning but you can't have everything. Anyway, the setting...well...a mining town in Canada. That's certainly something new and slightly refreshing. Hmmm...this town is called...Valentine's Bluff. And, as the illustrious day of their naming draws near all of the grown-ups who work in the mine (including the three points of a tricky love triangle) are preparing to throw the first Valentine's Day bash in 20 years. They've got a swanky meeting place, some streamers, red & pink heart cut outs, a sign that reads "Happy Valentine's Day" (or words to that effect) and lots and lots of love. Where they don't have love they have this one horny guy named Ralph who wants to "be with" some ladies? I ask you, what's not to love? Even Mabel, the older lady who owns the Laundromat, and the Sheriff, the older guy who runs the police force, are in on it. Only the mayor is rather curmudgeonly. When you think about it, that's something that might make you say "Hey Mayor, why be like that?" Trust me here, the Mayor has a reason.

Folks around those parts seem to tell a story of Harry Warden. A score ago, a bunch of miners got trapped in the mine on the night of the "big" hobnob Valentine's Day Dance. As the town lived it up (and loved it up), three miners struggled under the fallout and rubble. They would have received instant help but their supervisors left early to go dancing. Hey! I like dancing but let's keep an eye on those guys in the underground tunnels! So, the men are trapped in there all night. When the town finally takes some time out from partying to free them, only Harry Warden is left alive. Completely Loony Harry Warden, Mr. 10001-Ways-To-Be-A- Screwball Harry Warden. Oh well...You kind of wish the "not insane" guy had survived but Hollywood is teaching us a lesson. Behave!

Suffice it to say, Harry kills the supervisors and is put in the nut house. Before he went in (although it may have been after), he commanded the town to Never Have a Valentine's Day Dance Again! Until now, they have heeded his command. But, boyoboy, once they start again, Trouble! Hearts start appearing in candy boxes and folks start dying. (Not necessarily in that order.) No one seems to care except the older folks who remember Harry! To the mine workers and their gals, he's just a legend. A legend that is alive and kills and that is completely real! Apparently.

Well, let's float over to the shrinking love triangle. The hypotenuse is lowering on this affair! He and She loved each other, He went to the big city, She started going out with Him, He comes back, !DYNAMIC TENSION! He and Him are always on the verge of pounding one another. (The movie makes it so you want to pinch Her cheeks. You can't help it.) In a small town like this, nothing goes unnoticed (except Harry) and the love triangle is the big to-do! Who will She go with? Why? Will the men fight or will they end up together? (I won't ruin it. Watch it. Please.)

As you might imagine (but you should never presume), the killings escalate. They try to close the party down but it is relocated. To the mine. And, the ratio of live miners and their girlfriends to dead miners and their girlfriends drops alarmingly. Harry Warden's back, folks! You disobeyed his order. There's gonna be trouble.

Ahhh...one good breath...

Well, they've done it again! Those magic moviemakers! They've made something that touches the heart, makes you think and, yes, will throw a little scare your way. You'll learn that I don't mince words. I don't have time.

So, pay attention because I think I've isolated the strongest lesson in today's movie: It involves research. The lead miners kept saying that Harry Warden was just a legend. But, clearly, he's not. All those things they say he did, he did., And, it's pretty obvious, that he (or someone like him) is doing it again. It's not really a legend if it's completely true. A little basic research would help out here. Or at least lends some credence to town worries. It almost seems like they're practicing some sort of willful ignorance. Pretend it's not happening and it's not. But, come on folks, that never works and when you get killed, whose fault is it?

In closing...Wow.

This is the best film I have ever seen from Hollywood. Why? I can't stress this enough: it's the best because it's the next. Each fragment adds on to what we know and brings out things we hadn't previously seen. A flower unfolding. A glorious, cinematic flower. They'll show us the way. I'll help guide you there.

Well, you've heard my opinion. And, what a fine opinion it is! Original, charming and educated. It would have to be or else they wouldn't have hired me.

Valentine's Day has not been the same since Harry Warden. It will never be the same again.