It’s time again for another visit to (ding-ding-ding-ding-dong) the hallowed halls of the Cinema. Time for Mr. Drathmoor to climb in his highly polished old car and take his weekly 30-mile jaunt yonder to the glorious Rialto to see what’s playing.Join me, won’t you? I know I will.
When I was a wee sprout, my grandmother took me to my 1st movie: “Hollywood Meatcleaver Massacre.” At that time, I was already 100% enamored and engorged with the bright glitz and sundries of Tinsel Town. Evan Lee’s feature tipped me over the edge into idolatry. Ahhh, Gramma still laughs with me when we think about that movie (in my mind, because she’s been dead for a while now). They sure did it. All those films. Did it good and right and sparked me into what I am today: one of the up-and-comers in the world of film criticism.
Ahh, to reminisce. To think the thoughts of olden times. (Maybe that’s an idea for a whole ‘nother column.)
So...
This time I parked my load in a spot (5th row from the front, dead center) with sound all around me and high hopes for a 1,000 snacks.
The movie began...
The Funhouse
Hmmm, yes, yes, hmmm, this is certainly a movie, yes, oh!, mmm, hmmm, yes, yes, now that’s something, yes, yes, oh no, ha ha, turnabout!, now, I understand, there there, ha he!, hmmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hooo, there they are, can I, one more goober, now, yes, yes, no, hmm, a central calculation...
This was just the first 7 minutes! What a ride! What a journey! I don’t know what to tell you, folks! I am thrilled!
I believe everyone here knows how I feel about these slasher films. I’ve made my opinion clear on more than one occasion: I love them! Oh, they are grand! Like Gothic cathedrals with buttresses exposed, I adore them...A constant journey full of wonder and oddballery.
Our heroine Betsy (as far as I know) is going on a double date with a couple she knows and a local “bad boy!” They mould the bad boy in such a way that, hey, I found him exciting. I thought “Wedding bells are on the way for those two! I know it!” But, alas, fate has other plans.
Follow us to the small town carnival where dough and delights wait for you. Where the ground is brown grass and dirt and there are cigarette butts everywhere. Sharp looking men and women try to get you to play games that don’t seem to work right at the best of times. Everything is about ten years too old if you have a long look at it. All the signs are a little used. The gears look strained. Even the food seems used.
It’s fun!
Well, after some shenanigans involving drugs and taking peeks into tents and watching magicians, they go into the Funhouse. Now, now, the really extraordinary portion of the film begins. The guy who seats the kids in the shaky carts has a Frankenstein monster mask on. But, the mask, which sure is ugly, hides an ugliness that is uglier if you can believe that!
So, the kids go in “The Funhouse” and they do that thing where they leap out of the car and hide behind Lizzie Borden. They’re going to spend the night there just like in all those stories. You know, those stories. Gloriously creepy stories about people who leaped out of Funhouse cars, hid behind things and stayed the night. These kids do that. Hiding inside. For the night.
Frankenstein’s Monster sees two empty carts that used to have four people in them and just shrugs. Hey, there’s a batch like that in every town.
The interior is a glorious place that seems to be the size of a train station. The film is done in such a way that the kids (&, by extension, we, the viewers) can never gauge the size of everything.
Well, the kids gradually get involved in some sort of advanced shenanigans. The monster kills a gypsy that he doesn’t have great “relations” with. The non-bad boy, David G. Obvious, steals some cash from the carny folk. Well, that’s theft. As soon as the carny folk discover the intruders and what they’ve done, the kids are in trouble.
Thus begins the chase: It turns out our Monster is a rather mutated gentleman and he starts to kill the kids. (I say “kids” but the bad boy looks around 30.) From all this, I’ll tell you something important I learned:
It hurts to get killed. But, you can keep yourself from being violently killed by remembering several key points: 1) Be good. 2) Don’t spy on people having sex. 3) Ya know, I don’t know if having sex’ll get you killed but watching someone who is mentally unstable having sex, then watching them kill their partner and then having that person find out that you’re watching all this will probably get you killed. 4) If you’re in the Funhouse with a man who wants to kill you, leave. Go far away. (Although maybe they couldn’t. I forget.) 5) Stealing money just isn’t so great at the best of times. Grabbing a little loose cash when no one’s looking isn’t helping anyone. Especially if the people that the cash belongs to are nuts who kill people. 6) Look for the answer in your heart. It’s been there all the time.
Sorry. I’ll get back to my review. I rambled a little but...Here are a few of my favorite things:
The guy with the mask and the face problems, the fat lady, the kids (the glorious and charming kids with their sex and their pot), the scares, the little kid (the glorious and charming little kid with his shoes and his pants), the Funhouse itself...
Let me be the first to say that I found the Funhouse very, very fun and what d’you know about that! It’s everything I ever wanted out of a Funhouse except, sadly, no ducks! Can you believe it? Well, I guess things are real different in Hollywood. I mean, no ducks! The hell? Ha! (There isn’t a person to write to but maybe I can forward my confusion to the studio.)
There are times when I find nudity of any sort distasteful. (I have no mirrors in my trailer.) Well, my friends, this film does have some in it. But, I don’t know, the girl looks so young and innocent. I just enjoyed her as much as I could and then I remembered that I do not want to go to Hell! At least not today!
However, I can point out someone who is going to Hell: the guy who runs around killing people, Mr. Ugly Face. Without a doubt, he sure can kill and he does it well but I don’t know...Let me just say this: A jerk will always get his comeuppance. And, sometimes it involves having your midriff crushed to a fine pulp.
My, my, I do go on. Let me just conclude with: This movie is good. “A cut above” would not be an inappropriate term to use in describing it.
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