Week 11 - Retarded Beauty

Cyril P. Drathmoor, here. Welcome.

Well let me just say, after last week’s stripped down glory, I should have expected this.

Put on your seat belts and fresh, clean underpants.

“Pure” film is here.

Is it ever? Playing at The Rialto all this week is something you MUST see: “The Last Slumber Party.” Now, let’s just discuss why you have to see it. 1) This one cuts away all the extras: plot, characters, everything. It’s like riding the “Supertrain.” 2) As always, to learn about yourself and others. 3) If it truly is “The Last Slumber Party,” well, you don’t want to miss that, do ya?

Now, the minimal plot. A madman staying in a hospital room steals a surgical mask and scalpel and starts to kill with reckless, and yet controlled, abandon. Cutting a swath of dead from his bed to the home of the head doctor (not a shrink, a doctor in charge) where his daughter is having the strangest slumber party. He leaves a trail of half-slashed throats in his wake.

Shower me, Sweet Hollywood, shower me. Your love is pure manna, alive and beautiful. This “Last Slumber Party” shower is almost overwhelming. All the death, the dreams, the strange sound, the acting that draws attention to itself as acting, that odd scalpel, the strange continuity that draws attention to itself as continuity, the most odd of all tracking shots, the plot twisting and turning at its ends and 1,000 other things. To discuss this film is too much. That’s why, for the first time ever, this is a 2-part-review with the second part covering aspects of the film that can only be discussed after it’s gone.

So, you have the plot and some sign of the wonderies of this film. Let’s go a little deeper...

Chris, the young but heavily bagged-under-the-eye lead female, has a strange way of speaking that is some times very drawly. I’m interested here in 2 things: 1) She has a dream which anticipates and actually coticipates some of the murders. 2) We don’t see her parents or her house but we see her room and it is angst personified. A dull, bare yellow with a sloping ceiling. When compared to her friend’s bepostered joint, it is nigh on depressing. She seems to keep a friendly demeanor, however. The boys like her (one of them has been “giving it to her”) and partying seems to suit her. I would, actually, like to see another movie with her in it. Maybe a sequel, although “The Last Slumber Party 2” doesn’t make much sense. Or does it? No, it doesn’t.

Let’s talk about the tracking shot. The three girls, Chris, Linda and the third one, are strolling down a walkway after school has been let out for the summer. They walk and discuss the upcoming slumber party-filled summer. As they walk, their conversation is surreal in its stops and starts, including a wonderfying moment when Chris pauses and her friend (the 3rd one) says her line for her. These girls are a little too close. It’s a squirt strange...Let’s not even mention that Chris leaves before the end but suddenly reappears right before the shot is over. And...and...and...the students vanish. As the girls walk, the students walk around and amongst them. By the end of the shot, NO ONE IS THERE BUT THEM! They’ve all vanished. Where have they gone? There’s something eerie about these girls being the last ones on school grounds...I could probably spend three reviews discussing the shot so I’ll move on...

The killer is an interesting chap. He slits throats so fast that sometimes they don’t bleed until he’s finished the job. I’m not sure what his name is or what exactly he’s about...I just know he’s nuts. You can tell - it’s the eyes. There’s a strange thing that I like...the odd moment where he comes towards the viewers with his scalpel out staring at us. It happens about six times. I almost continually don’t know what to make of it. It’s rather thrilling when it happens. I’m thrilled now sitting here although that may or may not have something to do with the movie. I’m kidding, of course. Where was I?

The guys. 3 guys. All with elaborate hair. And, there you go. Hey, let me just talk about the “Strange Film” part of this thing. Everything’ll be pretty clear and then, all of a sudden, the picture will go all fuzzy and rather hazy. The sound is already way off and now everything is even more surreal. It’s an odd world you enter here. House hallways and hospital rooms seem to be the main instigators. This “Strange Film,” it’s very effective in its creeposity. So, I mean...that’s pretty right.

Next week…hold on…I’m not done yet…

Week 10 - I'm Back In The Forest Again

The theme song warns you and, ya know what, when a theme song warns you to keep away from “The Forest”, you do it. And, you do it fast!

I ask the question: Does our intrepid foursome get their thrills out of ignoring a perfectly straightforward theme song or do they not hear the song?!

How about some plot? I’ve got it for you fresh?...All right! Here we go: Two couples, one fighting and one full of bliss, go into the deep forest for a camping excursion. Ladies first, then the men. Legends abound of people entering the woods and disappearing. Our couples go in and they meet the kids...the odd kids hiding from their mother and staying with their father. Dad lives in a cave where he eats strange, strange meat. Night falls. Something begins stalking them. Something in the forest wants to kill them.

There you have it, my friends.

They get stalked and, yes, they get hurt. What are you gonna do about it?

This is slurpy, syrupy and chunky. This forest is filled with flashbacks and strange women in their bathrobes and these kids. The couples are sweet enough but no one wants to see them die. Or do you? Jerk.

Well, I noticed something in “The Forest” that I didn’t notice in others of its ilk. I think it pulled all this wonder and magic off by scaling down the characters to the absolute minimum. By laying bare everything about this sub genre of horror, they have laid me bare.

Here’s what I’ve seen:

The woods are not as strange as “Don’t Go In The Woods,” as sexy as “The Final Terror,” nor as deep as my heart. But, what they are is very, very real, very, very alive. Very very.

“The Forest” is all around everyone in this movie. Including the man who likes to eat people. Now, that guy’s a jerk.

Week 9 - This "Madman" is Nuts!

I don’t know what to say that could give you more of an overview of his character. Crazy! He kills people! And, he’s barefoot all the time! You don’t walk through woods killing people like that. I mean, come on! What about broken glass? Ticks? Rusty old beer cans? Madman Marz isn’t even a nature boy. He had a nice home with a nice wife and child. Granted, he killed and ate a portion of them but the villagers hung him to make sure he wouldn’t do that again. But, he got away and survives, as does his house. Although, I don’t know what happened to all the villagers and their houses. Must have been a long time ago.

All you have to do is yell his name “Madman! Madman Marz!” and he’ll come out of his home and kill you. Well, not you. If you were the one who yelled his name, you’ll survive. Everyone else will die. So, my advice? Yell “Madman Marz” whenever you’re in the woods. You’ll be safe.

Another thing you’ll want to keep in mind...If Madman Marz is out, keep an eye on picturesque spots that are backlit. Up in trees, in rooms, that sort of thing. I guess because he’s rather misshapen he prefers the light behind him. Just a tip.

Oh, one more, if your car won’t start and you throw open the hood and your friend’s head is jammed under it, run very fast. Something big and evil is right nearby.

So, this movie. Nice...Go camping. Have some sex. Play in the woods. Drive a big blue bus. Die.

There’s more than that, obviously. Come now! Who made this film? H---y-o-d? Yes. Thank you. That previous paragraph was called a “gister.” (Defined as “a sentence that gives you the absolute minimum breeze of a film.”) So...

I lost my train of thought for only a moment. But, I am still reviewing “Madman.” Hey, here’s another tip, if somebody yells out the killer’s name bringing him back to a vengeful state, leave. (Like that old guy.) Get in your car and drive away. Once you’re out on the open road doing around 35 or 40, he won’t be able to catch you. (He’s barefoot.)

Boy, this one is loaded with things that can only be helpful. Climb on board! They’ll make it salty for ya! And, they’ll make it cold too. Oh...Mommy! I can see your breath! Man, and what about that hot tub scene! Mommy! I can see your nips!

Let’s think about the movie for a bit...Heyyy! When the guy’s singing in the beginning, you can see everybody being killed! Heyyy! When the guy goes in the hot tub nude, you can see his assterior! If he had turned around, I promise you...bougainvillea.

Hey, what’s with that one lady’s teeth? She’s got so many! And, the other lady shoots her in the face. Ohhh nooo! What a day! Her boyfriend’s dead too. Sigh.

What about...Give me a second.

Hey! Evil wins! The only people left at the end (apart from the kids who escape on the bus) are the little storyteller who is pretty nutty and Old Wallace Crust-A-Lot who runs the camp. Everyone else burns up in Madman Marz’s house fire. Except Marz. Evil never dies, folks! I’m not making this up! Watch the movie!

Hartsook and crammed, this film has it all! Plus, a guy is hanged or hung from the highest bough. And, have yourself a very good time with this film. Why dont’cha?

Oh, hiding in refrigerators is not for everyone.

Week 8 - Can we talk about Hollywood, please?

A film about film? I’ll have one! Wrap it up, I’m takin’ it home! This one’s all about how anyone can have trouble, even those giant human beings who make the movies we love!

Plot (with love, from me to you): A rather pointy bearded film director is casting a new film. It’s big! How big? Big big! The leading lady’s name is Audra! A woman who is commanding in many ways although none of them is really elucidated in the movie but that’s not the point. Hey, let me just interject! Given the chance to be the lead in a movie, I’d stay in an insane asylum. I’d fight it out with a group of young hopefuls trying to take it all away from me. I’d do it, I say! But, the director’s female friend in this movie doesn’t look so keen on doing it. Oh dear.

That’s why someone starts killing everyone.

Be grateful! That’s my tip to you! If a big time director wants to fool with your Area, let him do it! My God, life’s too short to jerk around here! If you want the creamy filling, you have to eat the spongy cake! If you want a juicy melon, you do what you have to do! Please folks! Huh?

So, these young hopefuls assemble at the director’s home (Stryker’s his name) to try to get the part. There’s the good-looking ballerina, the good-looking skater, the good-looking comedy lady, the older lady and the friend of the director. I think there was one more who almost made it to the end but I may have already mentioned her. And, there was the blonde who dies in her home.

The blonde has this weird dream with a rainstorm and country roads. Her car pulls over because there is a child standing there. But, it’s not a child. It’s a doll. It grabs her arms and she’s killed. But, she wakes up. Then, she’s killed. The doll shows up for real later. It’s always too bad when they kill off the psychic character so quickly.

Notice this? I did. The comedienne’s monologue at the beginning is very similar to the one at the end. But, I think the end one is just a little funnier. It’s all in the delivery.

Anyways, the girls hiss at each other, connive for the director’s attention and generally try to do what I would do if I were in that situation. It’s just that killer who causes some trouble. He’s wearing an old lady mask (or is it she?) is one hell of a skater and is able to maneuver very vivaciously through air ducts. The killer, to me, is saying two things: 1) the aforementioned “Be grateful” and 2) sometimes it is easier to kill someone then tell them no. Oh, and 3) these are movies for God’s sake do whatever is necessary to get into them. Hey, I ain’t saying I’d wear an old lady mask and slaughter people for a big movie role but...Oh wait...I am.

Curtains takes the normal “outside” approach to cinema and brings it “inside.” Oh, and what a job! Every performance etches itself strongly on the mind. But, the two very strongest are Stryker and Audra. He is a jerk and she’s practically every woman in the world to so many.

Let’s recap, because I think it’s important. If a major Hollywood guy looks like he might be on the verge of offering you a part in his film, do anything necessary and be grateful. (Of course, the age old maxim “Don’t be a jerk” always stands.) Be selfish! It’s your life! I can’t live it for you! What would I do with my own?

Curtains

Breathe a sigh of relief. This one’s for the whole family.