Conscienceless Reviewing Continues!

One thing I love (and I know Hollywood does too) is going into the woods for an outing. Take some friends, a radio, take some sweet & glorious booze and just live it up! (NO! Love It Up!) Please! For Me!

Ahhh...the outdoors. If you have a salacious boyfriend or girlfriend, take them. Have sex! That's what the woods are for! Come on! You know what? Even if you don't have a lover, take somebody! My God, sex and the woods are almost synonymous!

You're wondering what all this has to do with The Prey? Wonder no more! The Prey is about some attractive young people who go to the woods and, man!, do they ever make out! (Like you should.) They have fun, they climb down mountains, they swim. I mean, come on! They swim! The fun does not stop! Well, it does. But, it has nothing to do with them.

Time for a cold, hard truth. Hands by your sides, kids. This may come as a shock but...some people don't like the woods. Someone in this movie doesn't like the woods. That's why some of these kids die. Because there is a man out there who hates the woods. No ifs, ands or buts. He likes gals, though! But, you know what we call guys who like to kidnap women and make them have babies in caves? Jerks. That's what this guy is.

So, yes, people do die when they go in the woods. But, let me share the movie's lesson:

Bring a gun.

A small gun of some kind to shoot anyone who may not enjoy the woods completely dead. Why not? Self defense, right? The woods are for everyone. Come on! You can get killed driving a car any day of the week. How do you avoid this? Keep your guard up! Come on! One well placed shot'll do it!

Don't let someone like this stop you from enjoying the beauty and splendor of the woods. It's there for you. It wants to be your friend. Go there. Today.

Come on!

Drathmoor, Reviewer Without a Conscience Presents: "The Prowler"

Killing people is a hell of a time!

I can with a certain honesty say that I have never killed a human being. But, vicariously, I have killed many times. Many times.

[Editors Note: That was the entirety of the original review. Subsequently, the newspaper editors went back and got him to write some more.]

D'you like last or final night bashes? In particular, a last-night-at-college bash! I bet you do! Well, ya know what, go to them! They're great! I insist! Go!

Why not? Go and (this is the important bit) party with ripe & wild abandon! I mean, let's be honest, nothing goes wrong on nights like this. They just don't!

Remember to prepare well! Shower and dress nice. Hey, it's the last bash! And, when you get there, goof off! I recommend fooling around in the basement and swimming. Night swimming by yourself in a pool setting is a joyous time.

These are just a few of the things The Prowler has taught me. Unfortunately, the film has vanished from the Rialto so you won't be able to see it. Where'd it go? I don't know. Kids, probably. Oh well. Live & learn.

Here's a brief plot:

A WWII soldier gets a Dear John letter, returns and kills his ex-fiance and her new beau. 40 years later, the same town is ravaged by a kickbutt Party! A lot of the action takes place in a creepy old house as a cute gal & a hunky cop "prowl" around...Get it? The Prowler is a cute gal & Mr. Hunky...Pretty cool, huh?

Party for me...please? This weekend, maybe.

Thank you.

From The Editors of The Turbot Tribune

To all those expecting a review of Deadly Intruder, we apologize. Sr. Drathmoor did not turn in his column this week.


So, instead!, we are reprinting one of his most beloved reviews: The Last Slumber Party.

Enjoy!

The Last Slumber Party

Playing at the Rialto all this week is a film that you have to see: The Last Slumber Party. This one cuts away all the extras and, hey, if it is The Last Slumber Party, you don't want to miss it. Come with me and we'll learn more about ourselves and others.

Now the plot: A madman staying in a low-security hospital room steals a surgical mask and scalpel and starts to kill with reckless, and yet controlled, abandon. Cutting a swath of dead to the head doctor's home where his daughter is having the wildest slumber party ever. In his wake, he leaves a trail of cut throats.

Shower me, sweet Hollywood! Your love is manna, pure & beautiful! The death, the dreams, the twisty and turny plot...Let's go a little deeper...

Chris, the young but heavily bagged-under-the-eye female, has a dream that actually anticipates some of the killings. Follow me...The film goes along. Then, Chris calls from her bedroom. She talks to Linda, they discuss things, then she hangs up...and falls asleep and dreams the slumber party. Then, somewhere within the party, she has another dream of a surreal nature that clues her in to what's going on. She wakes up, still in the dream, and the film goes until her throat is slit, I think. Then, she wakes up and we enter the real world of this fictional piece of thing. This is so wild!

The killer is interesting. He slits throats so fast that sometimes they don't bleed until he's finished the job. He sure is nuts. (You can tell - the eyes.) There's a strange think I like - this odd moment where he comes towards the viewers with his scalpel out. It happens six times. I almost continually don't know what to make of it. It's rather thrilling when it happens. I'm thrilled now sitting here. I'm kidding, of course. Where was I?

The other characters. The guys. Three guys. All with elaborate hair. And, there you go. Then, there's Science. Who was he? Why was he? He is intriguing. He dresses in hospital scrubs when he's a high school student seen studying anatomy. Why? Well...I just don't know. And, the other two girls. Boy, they're sure at this party! What about that Doctor? Every word he speaks you wanna know what he has to say! What a cast this is!

I wish I had the space to cover every scene but it is such a rich tapestry and we only have a limited amount of space. So much good stuff. I'm going to leave it to you to find what you need, lesson-wise. See The Last Slumber Party. If it was, it was a hell of a time.

Sweet 16

Well, there's a new movie at the Rialto.

It's called Sweet 16.

And, some folks get killed in it.

There's a girl named Melissa (if I'm thinking of the right movie) who is turning sweet, sweet 16. I know what you're thinking, I saw the preview too, she actually might be 16x2. She doesn't look 16. I remember girls at 16. Melissa looks a lot older. More weathered or mature or whatever. She seems very experienced. In no way virginal like they try to insinuate. Or is she?

(I don't think so.)

People in this small town are lazy and hazy. They have a nice time. Until, the boys start to become interested in Melissa. Then, the boys start to die. A maniac of some brand is killing them. Why? Something to do with Melissa's innocence? Maybe, Could it be Melissa? Could be. Strange things are afoot in this town.

The Sheriff knows it. He's seen the dead people. The dead people somebody's been killing. Killing because of Melissa!

Or are they?

Probably. Maybe. There's the thing.

To me, this is the sort of film that really teaches a lesson. But, I'm gonna do something a little tricky this time around...

I'm not gonna tell you what that lesson is...

It's gonna be yours to gauge.

The Rialto's open all week. Go see it.