Lesson #395: Don't Hurt People

Well, I've never been part of a sorority and I've got a good reason why: who can afford to go to a good college? But, that's water under my bridge. Have you ever woken up at 6AM, strolled out onto the streets and got yourself a steaming hot cup of Joe and a kosher hot dog smothered in relish? That's what The House on Sorority Row is like.

Let me lead you through it... Here we are with these gals and they're privileged and they're well off and they're having a good time. But, college is over. It's all wrapped up. They have one last party to throw. But...

20 years ago...

Something happened with the house mother. Something happened to her baby and someone took her voice. Well, her baby's outcome is the subject of a lot of the film and her voice is replaced (gloriously) by the voice of Someone Else.

Now...back to the movie's present...

This house mother always closes down her house after the school's closing ceremonies. The girls want to keep it open. In fact, they're within their rights to stay. And, they do. And, they get in fights with the old woman. So, she slashes a poor rich girl's water bed and generally gets in their way.

The girls decide to play a little trick on her. So, they kill her and sink her body in the filthy, filthy pool out back. Now, finally, we can party.

But, quicker than you can release one into the frigid night air, the body of the old woman seems to be alternately 1) dead and showing up everywhere or 2) not dead and killing them. Well, there you go. Some of the girls start to get killed, others try to hide the body. The house mother (maybe) has a cane. She may (or may not) be killing some gals, lethally.

People party, there's a large strange doctor, psychedelic freak-outs, jilted want-to-be-lovers and all sorts of stuff. This one piles on the movement and loads on the thrills with, yes, a touch of wisdom to boot.

There's nothing like a whole bunch of your sorority sisters being killed to put you in the proper frame of mind: Don't hurt other people. Really what I'm saying is... Don't shoot them. If you happen to shoot someone, do not follow this up by hiding the body in an old pool. That doesn't help anybody and, half the time, they just come right back to life.

If you're lucky enough to get into one of these colleges, well, good for you, I say! The world and its sun shine and revolve around you forever & always! Just don't get involved in the stuff these girls do. People die here, folks! If you pay attention, you'll see that, a lot of times, people die because someone kills them! Don't be that someone. Thanks.

Better Than Carnage

When a group of ex-friends are gathered together at their old summer camp by strange invitations after they haven't seen each other for 10 years, some oddball things begin happening. They're locked onto the grounds, their abilities to leap a fence are taken from them, a strange figure lurks around and they start getting killed. The element that links them all together is the brother of one of the woman there. He was slightly mentally disabled (which means he looked about 25 when he was supposed to be 15, had a pasty face and talked really slow) and he was picked on. Well, there was an accident at camp and he was killed. Or was he? (It's tough to say really because during large portions of this film I couldn't see a thing.) Regardless, someone is killing them. Is it the brother? (Please reference my last parenthesized sentence.) All of this killing ties in neatly with words spoken and images gleaned in the pre-credit and credit sequence. (Or I think it does because I can't quite see all of it.) All in all, a (fairly) satisfying journey through (if interpreted lightly what could be called) terror.

Well, that was the most excruciating paragraph I've ever written. Trying to pretend that this stinkbug was in any way worth watching has exhausted me. I have no more love to give. What can you say about a movie where the only positive thing I could think of was "Well..it's better than Carnage and more fun than tumbling into a landfill head first with your mouth open." The film's too dark, the story is nothing new and the actors all look suited for more pornographic pursuits that anything else. This is bad. Even the summer camp feels wrong.

Now, I never went to one of those "several week long" summer camps at places with Indian names. My visits were limited to "day camps" that were over supervised and under fun. Softball, boondoggle and playing on the school playground, which, I guess, was OK but boondoggle was the only thing we didn't do during the regular school year and, unless you were a boondoggle junkie, one trip to Boondoggleville was enough. I do remember James Felowski pushing me through a window. Or pushing someone through a window. Why'd he do that? Now, there's a question worth finding an answer to. Nothing in Twisted Nightmare compares. Sadly.

If this is meant to be an entertainment, who is entertained? I was bored and/ or stupefied. But, I guess...in the end...I wanted to go to a Sleepaway Camp because I wanted to get laid. It seems like it would have been so much fun. Ah well...

I guess you should see Twisted Nightmare. It's the only film in town.

Note: The editors have "told" me that I must "pick up the pace" for my next couple of reviews. They didn't mind my musings when they were on the films or Film. "Apparently", they don't like where my reviews are going. "Not very nice, bad for business", all that. So, for the "next couple of reviews", I'm going to try to review the films and "be good". "We'll...see you there."

In Time For Halloween...

A haunted house movie? We don't get many of those by here. Let's enjoy it while we have it. I went to Maurice, manager of the Rialto, and thanked him for the change of pace. He just laughed and laughed. I used to think he was a joyous man but since I came back I'm not so sure. Joviality is pungent.

Carnage is the film this week. It's about a couple moving into their dream house. But, it's haunted and everybody dies.

But, that's only part of the story.

No. Actually, that's all of the story.

It's only part of what happens.

This strange, strange place. I thought they were living in a house of the damned and they were already dead. They move so languid, so lifeless. They coast through the movie without getting a single emotion to register in me. How did they do this? How did they put me into such a strange, strange mind frame? It filled up my head and jammed itself in there. I didn't know. I just didn't know.

Then, I realized what it was. The force that was doing this to me... Terrible, terrible acting. These people were absolutely no good at what they were doing. You wouldn't allow someone to fix your plumbing who wasn't a plumber. Why would you allow people in your film who clearly can't act? I mean, Good Gravy, two words from these people and you want to die. What kind of a way is this to run a movie?! Not a good one is my response.

And, the look of the film. Well, I don't want to anger anybody but I think it's just poorly made. Looks like crap, sounds like crap, hey, how about this... it is crap! I could be too harsh but I doubt it. Maybe this is why I don't watch haunted house movies more often.

And, those killings! The spirit who pulls out the intestines...  please tell me it's deliberately using a string or wire to yank them out. If I wasn't supposed to see that wire, why was it so obvious? Every facet of the film is like this. What the hell happened to Hollywood? I mean, are they really truly making junk like this?

I'd love to elaborate on something in this movie but all they do is talk and talk and talk and talk and... Jesus Saves! Stop talking! (Another thing: Carnage in what fashion? This is unlike any carnage that I've ever seen. It's extremely dull. Surely carnage must involve something interesting happening at some point. Why not write to me with what you think carnage is and if it involves this movie in any fashion.)

So, in conclusion, forget it.

I Know A Mean Man

Boy, there's a real mean guy in this week's movie Blood Rage.

When these twins were young, they saw a couple fooling around. So, one of them killed the guy with an ax and blamed his brother. Now, 10-ish years later, the brother who didn't hurt anyone escapes from the Goofy Hut and he's going home.


Mom lives in some kid of forest community of houses. It's Thanksgiving time but no one's doing real well. Mom loves drinking, the actual psychotic brother starts killing and everything really sucks around here. Women with big hair are no match for the killer brother and his knives.

Cyril, what about that brother? Ha! What a piece of work! Shifty, conniving, cunning, suave, popular, utterly psychotic. I mean, that sounds like that might be half the people I know but it's the brother. Every step of the way, he manipulates his slower brother into various spots that aren't good for anyone but him (the nutty one).

This is normal brother behavior, as far as I know. Your sibling is there solely to help with clean up of your mess (including blame placing). Your sibling is a bit of a dolt who doesn't deserve to carry on if he gets in your way. That's why you have a brother. Just for this purpose. I wish you could still ask my brother. He'd tell ya it's true.

Maybe I was right. These movies do teach a lot. Therapy in other people's pictures.

I'm sorry. I've forgotten a more exact plot: Twin brothers. Drive-in. Mom. One brother kills screwing around couple. Blames the other. That brother put away. 10 years later, Thanksgiving. Good brother escapes. Bad brother starts killing. People are really hurt. Mom gets really drunk. They finally have a big family meeting. That's it.

Death feasts on this film quite literally. And, all the big hair in the world won't stop a psychotic man with access to the cutlery drawer. Some intelligence is what we need here, people. The real mean guy is pretty obvious. Keep an eye out. We don't need to call in Sherlock Holmes for assistance. I know I have a brain under my scalp. You?

Until next week, enjoy Blood Rage at the Rialto. I know I watched it.