Happy Thanksgiving From Your Favorite Editors!

[No column this week. Just this blurb and reprint]

From The Editors

Drathmoor is on "Vacation" this week. So, we've put together...

Our Favorite Drathmoor-isms!


"Hollywood is so great it makes me feel good!"

"There's nothing like killing people when they're not dead!"

"A monster, sure, but a fantastic monster with fantastic slacks!"

"Hey! It's like the man said: It's not so scary being a fairy!"

"Melvin went in first but his arms came out last, if you know what I mean."

"Why can't things work in the victim's favor for once?"

"It'll be a soft night on my rump before that happens!"

"Velveteen is too vague a word to describe my pants after this film."

"Well, well four guys named Thermin and their mama, Cozy Wanda!"

"Too much, too soon, I fudged 'em!"


Of course, this is just a smatter. When Drathmoor returns from his "Vacation", we'll get a lot more. You can count on that!

This week at the Rialto: Splatter University . A young woman begins teaching at a prestigious Catholic school. Contemporaneously, a mysterious figure begins killing the students. Is it her? Or is it the crazy old priest in the wheelchair? Come to the Rialto this week and find out in this state-of-the-art, high impact thriller.

My Holiday Season Has Begun

The Holidays are here! And, I have shined my shoes and spread the grease on my spats! My favorite time of the year is here! And, contrary to my popular opinion, Hollywood have obliged.

Pre-Review: This is not the sequel to anything. Before my holiday commences, I'm glad we are now back to the world of proper film.

Actual Review: Oh, I know this week it's Home Sweet Home, a festive slash-em-up that takes place all over Thanksgiving. I know it's about a big, muscular guy with an overactive laugh slasherizing people! But, running over little old ladies crossing the street is just not something you want to do. For Real.

Have you ever seen festivities like this? No, you haven't.

They have turkey, wine, cranberry sauce, greens, mashed potatoes and a mime. Everything, just everything. Very festive. Until everyone starts to die. At this point, everything goes really bad, pretty swiftly. What can you do?

I enjoy turkey. I enjoy quality time with myself and others to make clear what I'm thankful for. I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone killing me. Although, getting rid of the mime wouldn't be so bad. Ya know, maybe it should be a general rule: Don't hurt people on major holidays, except Halloween & Arbor Day. I mean, you think that would just be something you'd know from birth. Apparently not.

Hey, the kind of loud & unpleasant grossm'n who's married to the lady whose house we're at... Take all that in & I'll start over again. I want to say that the world in this film is a wonderful place. How do I know? Because the man who owns the house is clearly a pudgerific, hairy nooner yet he has such a lovely well-chested wife. God bless! When a movie can teach you something like that, it's not all bad. (I think my Holiday Love might be increasing my Movie Love.)

Unless I'm leaping about here, the lesson of these holiday killers is to make us not want to kill people at the holidays. I certainly don't want to. I would bet you cash that everyone I saw this with hasn't gone out and killed anyone during the holidays. Home Sweet Home is a very facetious reading, let me speak it.

The thing about the killer is that he is big, he is mean and he'll tear you up. He is nuts. Ya know, insane killers rarely escape from places on August 9th or April 27th. It's always around a holiday or a big event. I think they really need to beef things up, security wise, in every asylum around the country during this time of year. A Public Service message from Hollywood that's been given early enough so you can keep an eye out all month. How 'bout that one?

They know how to make 'em... And that is great!

Home Sweet Home! I... Sure... Happy Thanksgiving...

[The review ends there.]

Oh no...

What the hell happened here?

Ya know, I thought, well, this one looks like a movie, at least. (After that "certain movie" of last week, I was very wary.) Cheap, sure. But, hey, Revenge! There's something to shoot for. Conjures up interesting images. Here we go.

Boy, this opening scene sure looks familiar. Say, that doctor who's examining the body that fell from the fire escape looks familiar. His voice reminds me of... Then, the reporter comes up & talks about the sheriff's dead daughter, how she killed her boyfriend, ritualistic killings at the college sorority... Uh-oh. And then, the gold medallion comes out. Oh no! This movie is the sequel to Blood Cult! What the hell happened?

So, I took some breaths & tried to swim in & enjoy it. It looks better than Blood Cult. John Carradine is in it for about 8 minutes. I think some guy related to John Wayne is in it... or someone. There are other human people in it. Quite a few from Blood Cult. They still stink, though. (Was this made immediately after Blood Cult? Why?)

I suffered through the 100-odd minutes of this with deep, deep pains in my stomach. It answered all the questions I had about the first one. But, it answered them all almost exactly as I thought it would. I'm looking at last week's review and trying to answer quite a few of the questions. Revamping the first paragraph's questions: Yes, yes, no. The point of the boyfriend is just to be killed because that way his brother can show up and do whatever it is he does. A waitress, who is clearly part of the cult, put the drug in the Sheriff's drink. The Sheriff took a long time calculating everything because that's what was needed to fill up the running time. It happens in this one, too. The brother and the lady on the farm spend an inordinate amount of time wading through plot waters that seem unnecessary after the first film. Why? Because we have to sustain the running time! Isn't the best way to do that with redundant investigation? The campus isn't closed because the dean is part of the conspiracy. The coeds stay on the campus apparently because they have no brains. Although, in this one, most of the killing happens off campus grounds. Those were all the questions I saw that needed answering.

Here are a few more: What exactly is going on with the dog-faced sister in the final scene? Who is on the motorcycle? Is every member of the town in the cult except the lady on the farm? Can you have a viable secret cult in a small town where the entire population are members of it except for an old woman who could give a crap? Hell, if no one ever saw this movie, would it still be made? If we all went out of our way to not watch this movie, would it become unmade? Would the scenes come apart, the words make no sense, the music separate into notes and the pictures fade until the film was blank again? I don't know. But, it sure as hell is worth a try. I don't know why we're all sitting around. Simple and basic ignoring tactics might get this film off our hands.

Let's try it. 1... 2... 3... ignore...

Someone Tell Me What I'm looking at here...

So, here we are.

There's "someone" killing coeds at an Oklahoma University. They are removing parts of the body in a rather sloppy fashion. The sheriff discovers, with the help of his interesting-looking daughter, that this all may relate to the Cult of Caninus. Small amulets with dog's heads engraved on them are tipping our heroes off. A farm couple complain of noises and lights on their land. Could it be the cultists? Could some of the town's most prominent citizens be involved? Could the sheriff's daughter be next?

The answers are probably, I think so and no. (To me, it was pretty obvious that this was being done by a cult made up of prominent citizens (doctor, dean, etc.) but we only see the cult in a hallucination the sheriff has. So, it may just be a rogue killer.)

Well, now that I've answered those questions and given you the rundown, you don't need to see the movie. Trust me. 85 minutes could be better spent elsewhere. I can tell you the ending if you write to me c/o the Paper. Please, I beseech you.

Let's just start here: I wanted to love Blood Cult. Popcorn, chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a hefty Diet Cola. Ready to love... and then the movie started... It looks like something my Uncle J.P. would've shot with the family video camera. I don't even think this is supposed to be showing at the Rialto. This looks like a home video with credits and gore! Looks bad, sounds bad. Thank God I brought my hat with me so I had something to throw up in.

OK. Some of these films look bad, really bad. But, it is really a film when my Gramma (or even Gennifer's LaLa Manana) could have shot it and she's 93-years-old?! (Her visionary days are long behind her.) Come on! I think this is a rip off! I'm sorry. I should try and stay somewhat cool. But, come on.

New paragraph. Boy, that daughter sure is odd looking, isn't she? And, her boyfriend is really... what's his point? He does nothing but take up space. Why introduce him at all except to kill him? (Well, I suppose that's as valid a reason as any but it spreads my cheese.) Oh, that sheriff is bad enough but these two clowns! Oy!

It's strange. I just watched the movie and most of it has already left my mind. Killing on a farm, the sheriff, the couple, the dean, the doctor, the hallucination. Who puts the drug in the sheriff's drink? (I can see it's a waitress. Who is she? Part of the Caninus cult? Or... do I care?) The Sheriff takes an incredibly long period of time going over the exact same series of facts. Why? And, why in the name of Jesus, don't they get the coeds (that means the "women", right?) off the campus? Oh Lord. Why, if you were a coed, would you stay on the campus? Unless, of course, this all has something to do with the Cult of Caninus. Then... all bets are off...

Sigh.

I don't know, folks. I don't see it. I don't see the point. I just see 85 minutes of my life gone. POOF! vanished... I can't believe they show movies like this. I can't believe they pay me to watch movies like this. Oh my... OK.

Deep breath. here we are now.

Movies! What are they up to now? Can I get a round of applause for movies?