Sleepaway Chumps

I hope you enjoyed what I did with the title of the movie there.

Well, this is certainly a movie. Maybe not the movie to end all movies but definitely a movie. Let's stand in line, may we? They've got another one for us and it's this one!

The movie starts off with scenes of a summer camp, now closed down. We hear the sounds of kids playing but we see the place in shambles. This is Camp Arawak, closed for forever because something mysterious has killed everyone. Actually, it's only mysterious until the end of the movie, then you find out. But, the end's 85 minutes away and I'm here now.

Anyway, then we see a boat accident with a man and his two kids. One kid is killed and the man is killed in an also way. We then see the girl who survived. She's being raised, with her cousin, in her extremely stylized aunt's very stylized house. Then, the kids go to camp.

This is a camp that, from moment one, is completely fun & gay. The kids frolic around, the counselors frolic as well. The girl, whose dad and brother died, doesn't say a word. The cousin places fresh moves on assorted young ladies. A thin boy puts his movies on the quiet girl. There's a skinny dip with a whole lot of men. There's a counselor who (I forget his name) enjoys wearing the smaller and tighter things in shorts. So, everyone runs around and finds themselves and each other doing stuff people do at camp. And, the next thing I know (and they know) people start being extremely hurt or definitively killed.

The first person down is a burlym'n of dependent means who likes "baldies" (?, Savalas?) and who is the head chef. When he tries to help Angela (the quiet girl) get some food in the storage closet by taking off his pants, someone pours a huge pot of boiling water on him.

One of the boys is a jerk in a canoe with a girl at night and he is drowned. Another guy is stung by bees, a girl is stabbed in the shower, some little kids are axed up, a guy is decapitated, one girl is "curled" and other people die, too.

Oh for fun!

This is all presented in a very entertaining and light-on-its-feet fashion that keeps you coming back for more. At least until the movie ends.

The whole time there are all sorts of characters running about just trying to have fun until they die. There's the hot girl, the mean girl, the nerdy guy, the confused owner of the camp, the nice camp lady, the hateful girl and guy, Schlitz Mackilio and Wallace MacThumb. These people are such a rich, white tapestry that you'd think another film would be unnecessary. But, I see the moment that will carry on..
.
There is a strange feeling amongst the men in this movie. I don't know how to describe it but it sort of fingers around my brain and doesn't leave me much to say. We'll be enlightened. Also, I don't understand the aunt's house. It's not a house. Black walls and, in one scene, the two kids are in a bed and you can see their breath. I don't mean some sort of animatronic movie magic. I mean visible clouds of breath. Are they outside? Why? How? I thought I was the only kid growing up who had no heat in his bedroom and could see his breath in bed throughout the winter. (Don't worry, reader. I had a quilt.) Lastly, all the kids in this movie are kids. I don't know if this is a step forward or one back. (Was the old style where all the kids were in their 20's or 30's saying something important?) I'm a little confused by all this but I don't lie awake at night thinking about it. Very much. Let's hope someone can clear this up soon.

So, what have we got? More than we can handle I would think. Deep breaths. Sleepaway Camp is all that (All That You Know) and beyond. We'll get there in the end. We'll all get there. So, be careful. It's getting rocky and we don't turn back from here.

Could we get a little more accurate on the House in question, please?

I Love movies.

I love people who love movies.

Therefore, I Love You.

Would you let me stay at your place for a while?

This is all kidding around.

But, it wouldn't be if I lived at the House of Death. A place where people die.

Yes, you heard it here first. People die at the House of Death.

And, they all like sex. Although, none of them actually have sex in the House of Death. In fact, after watching the movie twice (fell asleep in the theater), I'm not 100% sure where exactly the House of Death was in the film.

The cast arrives at an old house in a graveyard during a rainstorm. While there, a 34-year-old college student named Diddle goes to use the old outhouse. Whilst in the old outhouse, he is completely slaughtered. Hung like a stuck pig who was going #2 during it all.

Then, his friends find him and some more folks are killed and it all ends in the House of Death.

Well, I suppose it must be the House of Death. It is in a cemetery and people die there. But, it only appears in the last 10-15 minutes of the film.

Then, of course, it could be the house of the buxom blond who doesn't seem to bother with sex but turns out to be buxom in the end...Her Grammy lives in the house with her. No one dies there but...well, who's to say it's not the House of Death?

But, there's the house of the young woman who plays baseball with the young man. But, we never go in there.

But, there is the Bottomley household, home to Agnes & Casey. She's pleasingly plump, he's mentally slow from an accident, I think. The movie is mysterious on that point.

Or it could be the briefly visited home of the Coach.

In fact, that's probably it.

OK. Well, that's the House of Death.

Thanks for reading this week. I'll be back next week with more words for you to read.

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The following was a lesson for everyone:

The coach's house was not the House of Death.

The movie states, and I believe this is true, that any house could be the House of Death. So, be careful. Don't die. Thanks for reading.

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What? You want more? Kids, go see the movie, Will you, please?

Suzy & Lanky Madge & a Lake Called Tenkiller

Hey, here's something to get you through your day: You don't have to be smart to have a nice life! Hollywood knows this. They've told me and I'm telling you. Don't worry! I've seen Terror At Tenkiller.

There's a whole bunch of people in this movie. Some are rich, some poor, some attractive, some not, some nice, some not. But, they all lead pretty happy lives. Even the killer doesn't do so bad for himself. Our leading lady, for example, is a perfect illustration.

She's sweet, she's blond. She is, at some points in the film, thin and, at others, chunky. Her performance is a notch above bubble-headed. She has an abusive boyfriend that she likes to stay with and, overall, she's as mediocre a character as I've ever seen. But, disregarding the man troubles and the killer, she's having a fine time. No grief. She goes to the gym, she parties with her friend, she has a nice time! The guys like her. She's pretty and sweet but in every other way wholly unremarkable.

I think Hollywood is saying this: Don't knock Pretty & Dumb. They go a long way. Certainly further than ugly and smart ever got you. Keep that in mind. It sure helped me.

That's that.

Here's the movie...

Tenkiller is a lake. The terror at it occurs when this guy starts killing people there.

Suzy (the blond (although that may not be her name)) has had a big argument with her snobby, possessive boyfriend who may (or may not) be named Chevy. Her best friend, Lanky Madge, says Suzy should forget him and go to the lake with her for the summer. Suzy takes some convincing but, eventually, it's off to Tenkiller! For the summer!

The girls start working at a local diner, which is lucky for them since it looks like all the other jobs here involve being a crusty old guy working on the lake. Suzy meets a very nice man named Dave. They go out and it's really sweet. But, Dave gets angry sometimes and kills people!

Mixed into this, her ex- is trying to find her. Plus, there is talk of a female Indian spirit that lives in the lake and drags evil men to their doom. Her legend shrouds the lake in an all-pervading cloud of mystery and despair. Her spirit is hungry and waiting...patiently. But, enough about that.

After a while, Dave kills Suzy's friend. Soon after that, everything converges when Dave goes after Suzy and Chevy reappears. But, Chevy gets killed fairly quickly and Suzy and Dave tussle on the water in the middle of the lake. Dave is dragged under the water and Suzy makes it to shore, battered, bruised but safe and dumb. After she stumbles away, however, Dave leaps out of the water and freezes in mid-air. How? Maybe he was the Indian Spirit all along... But, that seems unlikely.

People Helping People Die

At firs I thought "What a gay time this is!" with all the scares & the death & the learning something about ourselves going on. But now, I just don't know. I know killers can cut your throat but those editors! My gosh, they hire me, they fire me, I'm considering a job with Elise in Accounts Payable at the Prepared Beef Plant, they re-hire me. I've almost no love left to give.

The Without A Conscience phase (farrago?) really threw me through the ringer. I have one, I don't, I do, I don't. Well, the final word on it is yes...yes, I do but I don't always use it. This all means...not much, I imagine. I'm trying not to lead anyone astray but instead attempting to present you with exactly what you need from a review. I will not, repeat, will not cover you in hollow lies. I sure hope.

It's odd. I've been looking back on previous reviews. Taking long looks at what I've written. Trying to use the knowledge I've gained to help me through. I've picked up a thing or two but a lot of it is pretty hazy. I don't know. Getting fired ruptured my glorious continuity. All I have here are pieces. That's all that remains. Strangely enough, and I'm not meaning for this to be bonerific, this week's movie is called Pieces.

My boy, it is a bloody film. Heads go flying around, arms flop off, a girl's lower half is taken, which leaves her halfless in the locker room shower, a set of nabolis is clawed off, multiple stabbings and complete dismemberment. I turned away a couple times. This is too much. I guess they're trying to get the kids in.

During WWI, at the home of a space age family with a push button phone, a little boy is putting together a puzzle of a naked lady. His Mom finds it and goes into a well-deserved tizzy because, apparently, the boy's father had a similar disposition. Well, the boy chops his mom's head off & acts like someone else did it.

Lesson #1: Boys who use an ax to decapitate their mothers are crazy.

Cut to the present:

A college in Boston, a small suburb of Madrid, Spain (it is a small world), is terrorized by (although, no one but the faculty learn about) a killer. A killer who is only taking pieces of the bodies. He is making a life-size female puzzle from real dead parts using his old blood stained puzzle as a reference!

Lesson #2: It's the boy from the beginning. All grown up.

The police begin to investigate. There are a bunch of shady characters including the principal, the biology professor, the chainsaw wielding gardener and the principal. But, they can't find our slasher. More women lose their parts in some very messy scenes. An undercover cop/ tennis pro is put in the school. She's a nice lady.

Lesson #3: When the cop is asked if they have any leads and he says "We're just out buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size." This means: No, we do not have any leads.

The search goes on and there is some strange behavior. An odd karate instructor, a motorcycle that sounds exactly like a chainsaw, a fat kid who appears in many places at once, an aerobics class that goes on and on, a student who becomes an honorary cop and a scene where the suspense pivots around how fast the killer can prepare a cup of instant coffee.

Lesson #4: Apparently, you can get a great day job working on the police force if you need to make some extra cash. Especially if you're a tennis pro. (Are you really a pro at something if you need to take a second job to supplement your income?) (What about product endorsements?)

So, everyone comes together in the magic and people die but not everyone and I gotta go.

I Am Back!

From the editors:

Well, the people spoke & we heard! This week, we are proud to welcome back Our Movie Reviewer & Yours!

Cyril is Back!

Fatal Games

Hello all!
I am back!
Ready to go!
Your thrilling petition meant a lot to me so here I am! With this week's magic:
Fatal Games
Ow!Are they ever? Let me tell you!

This one is a humdinger of a bojangler, I don't mind telling you. Talk about death, talk about nude, talk about pure sugary excitement. Well, I guess you're talking about this then.

Let me draw a scene:

A private school for gymnasts, swimmers and other athletes on their way to the Olympics. Training hard or hardly training? The first of the two. Theses kids work hard! Oh boy! Bending, stretching, flipping, running, throwing things. This isn't easy, let me tell ya!

Well, there is a rather lethal fly in this ointment, one that kills. With a javelin. A well-thrown javelin, that is. Does it ever sting?! Ouchers!

The students at Something-Or-Other Academy start vanishing. Luckily, no one seems to worry too much about the missing kids or there'd be all kinds of trouble.

Who is the killer?

Well, it's someone you wouldn't suspect because they act as suspicious as everyone else. I'll give you a hint: It's not our All-American In Love couple. Or is it? (It isn't.) Things get a little strange as the end draws near. Of course, in looking back, I see that we never really got at the beginning. So...

What are these steroids about? They make you really strong, they can get you a little sick. Well, I can handle the "getting a little sick" part for a super tough me! Well, well...with a few choice injections of this stuff I could be a "
Super Critic"! We'll see, we'll see.

Anyway, the actual movie...

There are a lot of naked people in this movie. Not a judgement, more of an observation. I suppose there are a lot of naked people at an Olympic Training Academy to begin with. So, the movie is just taking a very realistic line. I can't fault it. Of course,a lot of these films are filled with nudity anyways so maybe it's just being One Of Those movies.

Hmmm...

This one feels a bit like Graduation Day but, in True Hollywood Fashion, it improves upon it. The characters aren't quite the cyphers they once were. All of them are developed and followed a bit more than before. (Including that lead couple whose names I should have jotted down.) Things aren't as fragmented. Pieces fit together better. Although, the ending is slightly confusing. But, that's probably just me.

Now, is this movie good? Of course it is. Will it teach you something about life? Of course it will. Wat? Well, let's start with: any coach or adult who was kicked out of the Olympics because she had too many male hormones should be watched. Especially if that person keeps old newspaper clippings of her failure around (or tacked up). Second, don't run nude. It's embarrassing for everyone. Third, remember that the doctors are always right except when they screw up. Fourth, I don't know The Answer. But, I've ruled out killing people as one of them

Well, there you go. Doesn't it feel good? I bet it does. Ahhh, things that feel good are nice. Well, this wraps up what i wanted to originally subtitle "My Most Insubstantial Review Ever" but I won't. Maybe I should watch it again.

(The following was written after a second viewing.)

Fatal Games: A Second Squeezing

The plot is still the same. There has been no substantial change. But, I noticed something this second time around...something very interesting...something very, very crucial to an understanding of what's occurring...Something very,. very important in regards to

Are you still reading? All right, well...I didn't pick up a thing from that 2nd viewing. Why" Is this a bad movie? I shudder to think. I will have to leave time to help me here. Time knows. I'm gonna take a nap.