Folks, folks, quick word before we begin!
In lieu of the fact that Hollywood has sent me a fourth consecutive film about High School life, I am naming this column “Proceeding Through Your High School Years IV.”So, we have to get a little retroactive here: “The Last Slumber Party” is “Proceeding Through Your High School Years I,” “Hell High” is II, “Prom Night” is III. Maybe next week there will be a V. Although, you’ll see that we can’t go much further than this one.
Enjoy, Absorb and Live!
Proceeding Through Your High School Years IV:
“Graduation Day”
Well, in the world of cinema (is there another?), it’s that time of year. Summer just beginning and the kids are...graduating! Many just to the next grade. Some back to the same grade. This event, however, affects certain kids greatly. Many will leave home, start their own lives, meet new people, who knows? You wish them well. You hope that their final moments in high school, the big graduation day and accompanying ceremony, will be a revelation.
That’s what I used to wish for the kids. But, after watching the new feature at the Rialto, “Graduation Day,” I have a new message for them: Have a good time but watch out for that psychopath who wants to kill you!!
Leave it to the folks at the Dream Factory! Once again, and perfectly on schedule, they’ve nailed a very hot topic: the potential for graduates to be slaughtered on or around this special day. Especially if a member of the track team has recently died after winning an important race.
Hollywood can’t say when it’s going to happen but it can tell you how and what to look out for.
Here’s a helpful list:
(I have to be honest...I care about the children. I do. So, this week is less of a review and more of a public service because, let’s be honest, you shouldn’t hurt the children.)
Here’s that list:
1: Stopwatches and black gloves. The killer has them. Keep your eye on anyone you know who regularly goes around wearing black leather gloves and carrying a stopwatch. This might be quite a few people but who cares. This is your life I’m talking about here.
2: If you know someone who lives with their deaf grandmother, be wary. There is every chance that this is the killer.
3: Before pole vaulting, check the mat you’ll be landing on to make sure there are no spikes in it. These can HARM you!
4: The music teacher is a closet queen. He is not the killer.
5: (This one has been mentioned before.) When jogging through wooded, secluded areas, do not wear quadraphonic headphonic devices. You cannot hear the killer until you’re dead. (Does this make any sense?)
6: Keep an eye on anyone emotionally involved with any track stars who may have recently died on the track. They may need to get something off their chest.
7: Ladies from the navy are nice. Not mean.
8: I wish I could tell you that having sex will get you killed. But, it’s actually if you are involved in some way with the track team. If I was the kind of person who said that kind of thing, I’d say “Have as much sex as you want.”
9: Fencing outfits are good killer disguises.
10: Don’t leave the roller skating party to wander in the woods. Please.
11: The moment you see things in a sort of slowed-down motion you are in trouble.
12: In regards to 8, this just occurred to me “I wonder,” I just thought, “if the death of a Track Team member is just meant to be an example?” Maybe at a school, the “mysterious” death of any student is the harbinger, the kick-starter for these events. Maybe this is it...
: Any death in the school should be watched. A sporting group, a model U.N., an Honors Society, German Club or whatever. Watch the group they’re a part of. Apply previous rules to this. It’s not just a track team.
!Forgive that diversion!
14: It might be the coach (or corresponding leader) but it isn’t.
15: Never let anyone toss you a football, when you can’t see them, from the seclusion of bushes.
16: If you should happen to run into and/ or unmask the killer and should happen to kill him, he’s not dead. Kill him again. Third time’s a charm.
17: After the killer is officially and completely dead, anytime you encounter him will be a nightmare.
18: Don’t shave your legs in a locker room sink. You leave yourself open to reams of trouble.
19: Running hysterically screaming through pitch black woods may not be the answer. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’ll get you killed.
20: I don’t really have a 20. Just keep your eyes open.
I want you to live. Hollywood wants you to live.
I hope you can see “Graduation Day” and it can show you how.
If not, may my list be of primary assistance.
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