Week 13 - Hell Hi!

Boy, I spend more time in and around high school now then I did when I was in high school.

“Hell High” is a variation on my personal favorite “The Last Slumber Party.” In “Slumber Party,” partying teens are killed by a random guy. (Although, actually, at the end of the film, none of them have been killed. But, you figure that’s next.) In “Hell High,” a group of rowdies from the school cause no end of troubles for a rather skittish science teacher whose breasts grow when she’s in the shower. They insult her, dawdle around in her class, go to her home and eventually assault and rape her. Kids! What they will get up to!

Now, I can say that, occasionally, in school I was known to terrorize. But, lightly. A jape here, a vulgar hand gesture there. Never, ever, did I get it revved up to the speed of these kids. Man, from the first second: causing grief. ‘Til the last moment of their lives: grief. I’m not sure what exactly is required to acquire a chip on your shoulder that’s this large but...Man, I thought I went through some rough ones. Nothing compares.

This one guy (I’d like to say his name is Frederick B. Burgthingermin but I just made that up.): He wears a school shirt but clearly he does not love his alma matter. Let’s be honest, he really hates it. Throughout, he is assisted in his shenanigans by the fat guy and the attractive girl who likes to show her breasts, which seem a lot like the science teacher’s. They’re joined by the jock who’s sick of being a jock. They welcome in their night of fatal troublemaking with the drive-your-convertible-onto-the-football-field-during-the-game- winning-touchdown-&-have-the-ex-jock-grab-it-and-go trick.

Boy, what a suspenseful scene that is when the ex-jock has to sneak around in the diner parking lot!

So, this quartet goes out to the woods. Aaahhh...woods. They actually go to the place where the pre-credit scene takes place. A little girl is playing with her dolly by a small shack-like shack out in the tall rural weeds. A couple start “getting that on” in the shack. Then, the woman won’t “give out the business,” the guy takes it out on the innocent dolly and the little girl gets a little Cheesed. As the couple zoom away on their cycle, the little girl prepares a prank. (This is a theme.) She flings a large handful of muck at their heads. The cycle skids and they go flying off right onto large metal rods jutting out of the ground. Our first casualties.

But, that little girl grew up and became...Well, I don’t want to ruin it all...Anyway, the quartet goes there. Fools around. The jacket wearing guy is hateful. The gal is slutty. The fat guy is loud. And, the ex-jock just marvels at how hateful, slutty and loud everyone is and how he could ever have lived any other way.

The guy, Jimmy Anger (Fred), decides to pick on the aforementioned science teacher beginning with the assault, followed by the rape and concluding with the teacher leaping out a window. Dead.

Or is she?

While the ex-jock goes to plant evidence on a hateful jock (who, let’s be honest, is hateful but not as destructive as this bunch), the other three wait at the teacher’s home. Maybe not the best plan but, come on, these are bad kids here! While waiting, they talk and talk and worry and the one guy is really cool and time goes and goes...

But, the teacher is still alive. And, she is incredibly, incredibly ticked off. Well, let’s not beat around the bush (I do, occasionally, bush beat.), she starts to kill these three. The fat guy is killed, the gal is killed and, as the ex-jock returns, the hip guy is killing the teacher for real as the teacher kills him. Blood everywhere. Everybody’s dead.

The ex-jock is in school later on. The cops arrive and take away...the jock! Not the ex-jock, the jock jock. The practicing jock. Wow-zow! Our guy is thrilled! Up and down! But, the ex-jock has visions and images of the teacher coming back and he screams a lot.

The movie ends.

Well, I don’t know what the hell happened here. I just kept yapping and never really got to the lesson. Now, I gotta go. The lesson’s pretty obvious, though. Isn’t it?